Hi Georgia,
Our stories sound incredibly similar, for that I am deeply sorry. I wouldn’t wish this sudden loss on anyone. I was 27 (now 28) in January when my Mum passed away, she suddenly had a brain aneurysm after her hour morning dog walk before she left for work. She was fit and healthy, 55 years old. It shattered our world. The only thing that I find a tiny little bit of peace in is that she didn’t know it was going to happen, she was so loved and she knew that deep down.
I won’t pretend that I’m good, I still cry almost every day and it can hit me in the most bizarre moments. I can be washing up and my mind just wanders to her. Or it can be triggered by something that reminds me of her, it can be when I’m happy or I’ve really enjoyed something because I wish she could enjoy it with me too. It can be when my depression/anxiety (something I have suffered with for a number of years before losing her) gets the better of me and the world feels very heavy. It is so unpredictable but once I’ve calmed myself down I rationally believe that it’s just love, all of it is love. I know that I am so lucky to have had my Mum and to have had such an amazing relationship with her. The last month, every morning before I wake up I see her face in my dreams. Grief is such a wild ride, I wish I’d have talked to her more about her experience when she lost her Dad. I feel that she could have imparted some serious wisdom.
Realistically everything reminds me of her because she’s my Mum and we were extremely close. What I will say is that in the early days everything will be a blur, I don’t really remember much of what happened in the first couple of months. The shock is brutal and painful, due to COVID we didn’t cremate Mum for a few months so that was really hard and whilst I was absolutely dreading the day (it was equally beautiful and horrific), the dread of having that looming over was gone.
It’s hard because with the loss of your Mum, like me, you are also going to have to grieve a version of yourself that you will never be again. Some seek comfort in resuming exactly the same life they had before but for me, it will never feel the same. I’ve moved in with my partner, renting a house in a new area and I’ve changed jobs. For me, the changes are vital and losing Mum has made me want to live my life in a way that makes me as content as possible. It really puts into perspective that you don’t know how long you are going to be here, you’ve got to live the life you want to lead. One of the worst imaginable things has happened to us, if we can get through this, we can get through anything. You’ve also got to remember that your Mum is still with you, every single day - she is a part of you always.
I haven’t been on this site for a few months now. I got a notification about your message on this thread and had to respond to you because it’s like seeing a message from myself. I’d say for the first three months I was on this site pretty regularly, whilst it made me cry for hours for my loss and the loss that others are experiencing, it really helps to know that you aren’t alone. Whilst it’s the club that no one ever asked to be a part of, the grief club is a pretty important place as these people will understand your pain.
I’m not sure if you are on Instagram but below I’ve posted are a couple of pages that I follow that resonate with me. If not, maybe someone else reading this post might benefit from them.
https://www.instagram.com/thegriefcase/
https://www.instagram.com/thegriefspace_/
https://www.instagram.com/goodgrief_uk/
I love podcasts but I am too emotional to listen to podcasts on grief yet but The GriefCast and The Grief Gang Podcast are supposed to be really good also.
https://www.instagram.com/thegriefcast/
https://www.instagram.com/thegriefgangpodcast/
Sorry for rambling, I always end up crying whilst writing on this group! Feel free to message me on here privately if you’d like.
Zoe