I am truly so sorry for your loss. I found your post because I’m 23 and I lost my Dad at the start of February, he had just turned 61 in January. He died of cancer, so it was not sudden, but I did lose my step-father unexpectantly in a house fire when I was 14, so I can empathise with the pain of a sudden and traumatic loss of a loved one, similar to what you may be experiencing now.
My Dad didn’t have any close family other than my Granny (his Mum), my sister and I. Him and my Granny had such a close bond, it has been so heart-breaking to watch her lose her first child, her boy. My parents have been divorced for a long time, my sister and Mum are very close whereas I was always closer with my Dad. He truly was a best friend to me. He was so quiet, gentle and loving and I felt we just understood each other without ever having to say a word.
I’m also currently in a phase where I just can’t stop crying. Even though for the first 8 weeks I felt pretty stable, in the past few days I’ve just been so overwhelmed by sadness. I’ll hear his laugh in my mind or think of calling him to check on him and I just get hit by another wave of this crushing grief.
It can be so easy to wonder what the point of it all is, question why it’s so unbearably unfair that others get to keep their parent well into their old age but we had to lose ours so soon. I am so angry and sad that my Dad won’t ever walk me down the aisle at my wedding, won’t ever see me achieve the goals he encouraged me to pursue, won’t get to be a grandad to any children I may have.
I know right know it may feel so hard to keep your head above water and see past the pain.
(There is something that comes to mind that I think I learned from watching Fleabag, (if you haven’t seen it) a BBC show about a girl who struggles with grief after losing her Mum and then, later, her best friend. I would absolutely recommend watching it if/when you feel up to it).
When I feel the deep deep sadness, I remember that this grief I’m experiencing is in fact love. It is the huge, unconditional, incomparable love that you felt for that person, There is so much of it! And when they were here you were able to give it to them. Now that they are gone, it has nowhere to go and it swells up inside you and feels really heavy and sad. Think just how much love you must have inside of you for it to turn into such deep sadness…SO MUCH LOVE. And that is something I am so thankful for, to have been given so much love, I am so lucky. And that love will never go away.
One day when the pain starts to ease (and I promise you it will), you can keep passing on that love, to your Dad, Granny, siblings, friends, anyone, everyone. That love is such an incredible legacy for your Mum to have left behind.
Having read the comments, I can also totally agree with what @Sarah12 said. While feeling lost, it can help to think of what your Mum would want. Don’t feel any pressure to fulfil specific criteria, but maybe just think of what your Mum would really say or do in certain situations, I’m sure you and your siblings can help each other with that. My sister and I have often began crying while thinking of Dad, then one of us will mention something funny or silly Dad would have said and we will just erupt into laughter. Laughter, even in the darkest of times, can be so healing, never stop laughing.
Sending you the biggest hug, you are not alone, you are loved, you will one day look back at this time and be so proud of yourself for making it through.