Losing a parent

I lost my lovely kind dad on Valentine’s Day
He had a massive heart attack, at home mum was trying to resuscitate him while waiting for ambulance, it has torn my world apart, he was such a strong, kind dad who would do anything for anyone, Mum is so terribly sad and although myself and my siblings are constantly with her she feels no reason to carryon without dad,
They have been together for 55 years she is totally broken, and wants her wonderful husband back, it’s so hard to see her in so much pain and as the older daughter I feel I need to be strong for my mum and siblings, whilst dealing with my grief. I have been home briefly but all I think of is Mum and Dad, and want to be back with mum, I feel numb like I’m in a bubble, my husband does not understand and I’m very distant from him, just don’t want him around me.
We have as a family been supporting each other and I know we have a big mountain to climb. I’m so tired and scared and keep thinking how we ever going to get through this it’s so painful,
Dad is everywhere,here and it gives me comfort in the beautiful things neibours and friends day about him, the rock of the family but to me he was my hero,
My very special lovely Kind funny Dad.

Dear Looby,

I wished I could give you a big hug and share the sadness we both feel about our dads. Your loss is so recent. My dear dad was buried on Valentines day two years ago but I remember well how I felt. He and my mum had been together for more than 60 years and my mum was only 16 when she first met him. She has a lot of health problems and my dad was her everything. Like your mum, she was so sad. The night after my dad died, we even had to call an ambulance for her because we thought she had a stroke, but it was just a severe reaction to the pain of losing him. LIke you, I am the oldest daughter. I have a background in nursing and felt I had to be the strong one. The week before the funeral I too felt like I was in a bubble.Time seemed to stand still for us but the world around us went on as normal and that was very strange. Like you, I found it very hard to divide my time and attention between my mum and my own family (husband, and one teenage son). This was even more so because I am Dutch but live in England. I had gone to Holland to help mum and dad look ater each other when he was discharged from hospital after making a good recovery from a silent heart attack, But instead of getting better, within a few days he got weaker and weaker. His heart just gave up. We were able to nurse him at home, with my siblings taking turns to stay.with us to wake at night. His death was very peaceful and I hope that your dad did not suffer before he died. It does not make the loss any easier, nor the fact that they lived to a good old age. My dad was a lovely man, like yours, and after having had him in our lives for so many years makes the grief even more deep. He taught me so much, and so many things remind me of him. Life will never be the same, and it is taken me a long time to go back to living every day life without feeling sad. Looking bad, my sisters and I were so busy looking after mum and dealing with her deep depression that we had no time to grief for dad. I hope that you can give yourself the time that you need to mourn and the strength and wisdom to help your mum. I’m sure your husband would love to help you to, I do recognise the tendency to push him away. I used to get annoyed because I was looking for emotional support, but my hubby is not very good at that and I had to accept that and am thankful for the fact that he is so supportive in many practical ways. I do make an effort to tell him how I feel because I think it is important, but for me it helps most to talk with my sisters. We phone each week and because we have been through it together we understand each other’s feelings better than our husbands could. I hope that you too have a sister who you can share your feelings with.
Lots of love, feel free to message me any time you feel you would like to express how you feel, because I know how that can help.

I am so sorry to hear of your loss! I too lost my dad in January but also my mum 5 days later! I totally understand where you are coming from regarding he is everywhere- as my parents are too! I guess the difference is I had time to grieve as they were both diagnosed with cancers so was not a shock, unlike your father!
I too feel distanced from my husband who tries to understand but has no clue and manages to say all the wrong things
Take one day at a time
Small steps

Hi ladies, I feel I needed to add to your messages because I also lost my dad, unexpectedly, on 24 August 2017. My parents had been married for 56yrs and were both young at heart. My dad was a young 71yrs when he had to go in to Leeds GI, to have a triple heart bypass. He made it through the operation and then, 2 days later, suffered a massive stroke and stopped breathing 4 days after his operation. We stayed close by and were by his side within minutes. Mum and I were with him most of the time but mum had to leave when my dad was in end stages , as she thought he was breathing again. I stayed and held his hand, right until the end. It was surreal and during this time I put my hand in to his hand and took a photo. It would be the last time he would hold my hand, I treasure that photo.

I miss him every day and had his photos all around me, at first. It was comforting but realised, only the other day, that seeing his photo all the time made me sad. I have moved some of the photos to different places, a place where I can see it if I want to see it. Grief is individual to each person and nobody can tell you when it stops. I don’t believe it ever goes away but we deal with it differently. To grieve shows our love for that person.
My life has changed so much. I am an only child and it was the first time I had to arrange a funeral and deal with all the paperwork that goes with it. My mum was not able to deal with it, so I had to step up. We are both in a better place now and it helps us when we talk about him.

My dad was a musician/entertainer and music connects mum and I to my dad. We hear music and have great memories. I would swap memories to have him back but we all know that will be at happen. Death is so final and so hard to accept.
I am writing on here because I want to give you a bit of hope during this sad time. You will go through many stages of grief and I hope you can all support each other. I wish I had siblings but I don’t. My hubby and bereavement counselling has helped me. My hubby shared the same birthday as my dad and it was a struggle initially.

Sending gentle hugs your way, don’t try to be strong for everyone, you matter, too.