I just joined this site as I’m lying in bed on the first night of losing my partner. I can’t sleep and came across the site after a random Google search. I was just wondering if there is anyone out there who has lost a partner who had addiction issues? It seems like there is nothing to support people like us who not only experience the usual symptoms of grief but all the emotions that come with supporting an addict, sometimes over many years. My partner was an alcohol addict, a professional man whose life unravelled as the addiction took hold. He was found dead in a public place and the local paper published this before police had the chance to tell me, so I found out from their article. I cannot see how i am meant to carry on, the guilt is overwhelming. Police have said I would benefit from trauma counselling but I know this is a bit early for most counselling services as I am very newly bereaved. Thank you to anyone who responds, I really appreciate it.
I can see that you’re new to the community, so I wanted to say that I am so sorry for the loss of your partner that brings you here. You say you are feeling an overwhelming guilt, it is early in your journey take the emotions step by step.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that may help right now.
Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
it might be odd for me to say this, but the addiction has nothing to do with your loss. circumstantially, but right now you have lost a dear soul and that should be your focus. his addiction is immaterial. it was why he died. your grief and loss are what matters now. no time is too early for counseling. I went straight away and it helped a lot. I still have counseling. worry more for you and your loss.
@berit many thanks for reading and raking the time to reply, I really appreciate it. Whereas there was so much more to my partner than his addiction, it was the reason he died. Supporting someone through years of addiction and seeing them at their best and their worst, feeling all the frustration, shame, embarrassment at their actions, constant fear they’ll die, the glimmer of hope when they achieve brief periods of sobriety then having it dashed as they relapse, anger at the lies and denial, juggling work and caring responsibilities, all the time absolutely loving that person regardless and have them love you - then the final end when their body can’t take any more. No bereavement is ever simple, but when you lose a partner with substance abuse issues there is so much more to unpick, so many layers, and every feeling you have somehow suppressed so that you can continue to support the person is just flooding at you in waves. People who have lost loved ones to addiction are a unique group, coping with bereavement and often complex trauma after watching their loved one spiral into chaos as addiction grips and takes hold. That is the reason I asked my question because I have not found any resource that supports people like us. I wish you well.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I agree addiction is a whole set of its own. I hate it.
I lost my fiancé through addiction and alcohol in February. He was a functional alcoholic and didn’t drink around me but we didn’t live together. Obviously we would after the wedding and I wonder if he would have been able to stay dry.
I thought he’d stopped drinking but he was found at the bottom of the stairs and at the inquest they ruled death due to severe alcohol intoxication.
There are a couple more threads on here
I found this really helpful.
I’m having counselling now 10 months on and I’d say I’m glad I didn’t try sooner. There is so much to process and I felt sad for so many months but I’m really angry right now at him and at God!
Take care of yourself. You’ll still be in shock. Thoughts are with you. X
Thank u so much for your reply and I’m so sorry for your loss. You’ll have so many "What if"s and unanswered questions; I know I do. I definitely feel angry (I told him so when I id’d him!) and I also feel very lost; the sadness is just overwhelming. A song by Level 42 came on the radio yesterday and I just cried for ages, knowing I’ll never hear him sing it again.
What I can almost promise you though is that when your fiancé was drinking so heavily to the point he died through severe intoxication, it is really unlikely he would have been able to stop when you were living together. You would have likely ended up like me, juggling all sorts, living with constant fear and anxiety and I can guarantee you that functioning addicts only function so long before their lives unravel. My partner was a functioning alcohol addict for years, a highly professional man with an absolute fanaticism about his appearance, the life and soul of every party. I couldnt spot the signs at all, he hid them so well. Then as the disease progressed his life absolutely fell apart at such a rate it was scary. This is of no comfort to you, but at least your fiancé spared you the pain of watching this struggle and fast downward spiral.
Thank you for sharing your journey with me. It really means a lot knowing there are people out there in similar situations, feeling similar emotions to mine and having gone through similar scenarios. I’ll definitely check out the thread. As for counselling, I’m still in two minds. I think people are worried in case I do something to myself and that counselling is going to prevent that. I just think I’m still in shock and that people have to be ready for counselling for it to be effective. I’ll just go with whatever professionals think is best.
Take care of yourself and you can always PM me anytime if you’d like to.
My husband of 25 years died a year ago, he was an alcoholic and he had only been able to face that on the last 3 to 4 months of his life, like you mentioned his body was just too damaged by the alcohol, however i was with him when he died and it was peaceful which i am so grateful about. The grief is complicated by his addiction and i feel so much guilt. I just take it a day at a time. My very best wishes to you, and hope you are doing ok.
Hello, I lost my ex partner to alcohol dependency on 9th June. I’m a mess, I can’t think about anything else. He had done 3 months in rehab last year and then he relapsed immediately. We broke up in the 3rd week of January and he died less than 5 months later. I sometimes tell myself that I killed him. His drinking escalated when we broke up though it was beginning to spiral already. We were still in regular contact and I could have gone to see him but I didn’t. If I’d seen him I’d have gotten him medical care. He was a few weeks away from being admitted to an nhs detox centre when he died. I feel I killed him first by ending the relationship and second by not physically seeing him. I’m going to start bereavement counselling tomorrow. For anyone in Scotland the charity Scottish Families Affected by Drugs and Alcohol offer this for free. You can also just call them to talk. I get 6 sessions and more or less if needed xx here’s the link https://www.sfad.org.uk/support-services/bereavement
Hi Suzanne11
Welcome to the group no one chose to be in but we are here to support each other.
I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s so so sad and harder because it’s a life ended too soon.
THIS ISN’T YOUR FAULT AND YOU ARE IN NO WAY TO BLAME (or responsible for it)
I lost my partner 17 months ago due to acute alcohol intoxication. It was completely unexpected because I thought he was dry.
I still think ‘ if only’ sometimes but at the end of the day each of us are responsible for our own choices.
You did the right thing in leaving, preserving yourself and I’m sure he knew you loved him.
X
Hi, so sorry for your loss. My partner died of addiction recently too and it’s very hard. I feel addiction just adds another layer of tragedy. I don’t know if you feel this but I felt I lost my partner many times over and over to addiction because often he wasn’t the person I know him to be. I also lost him every night he was awol and everytime he chose drugs over me or was hospitalised. I’d lie awake terrified he was gone already, and yet when it happened for real I was just so shocked and devastated.
It was a shock for me. He died the day before our wedding!
I hadn’t lived with the drinking as I only saw him at weekends and he was a binge drinker.
We only got back together as he’d been dry for 18 months. I knew the risk of relapse but I think he believed he could stay dry!!
It’s an illness at the end of the day.
I hate that I still am selective who I tell the cause of death to as there is still such a stigma and judgement -attached to death from alcohol and drugs.
I’ve found it makes grieving so hard and complicated. I feel like I’m not being truthful as I think people will judge me for being with him.
Does that make sense?
I’m sorry for the long delay. I understand that you feel wary of telling people, as many people seem to judge alcoholics and addicts . I’ve told friends and family my partner was an alcoholic while we were together and since regretted it because I thought they might have been more supportive than they were. I needed support but the judgement and questions only added to the strain. I feel like if someone has an alcohol problem they’re looked down on or written off in some people’s minds. This only adds to the shame. I think it’s fair enough only to tell people you trust, you don’t need to tell people what happened if you don’t feel comfortable. I do think it’s sad that there is so much judgment, it just makes being with them and then grieving harder. I think it’s important that you can talk about what happened with someone you trust though, so you have a safe space to do that. Take care x
Hi I’m sorry for the long delay in responding. I’m sorry that you recently lost your partner, that’s very sad. I didn’t live with my partner, it’s something we might have done if he’d been able to get sober. However, I did sometimes not see him for like 2 weeks at a time. I told him that I didn’t want him to come to my house when he’d been drinking, so this boundary meant sometimes just not seeing him at all. It was hard and I worried about him a lot. I we did message and speak on the phone so we were in contact during those times, but I found it a bit lonely. He had many a&e visits, seizures and accidents, it was scary. I also feared his death all the time, I even saw his funeral in my minds eye at times. That being said, I still had hope, I hoped he’d find recovery. In a way it was unexpected too, a complete shock as you say. I think the circumstances does complicate things a bit. It feels unfinished, we still had many things to resolve that we never did, that was one reasons I ended the relationship because I felt we couldn’t sort out our issues or talk openly, I was frustrated. So now I find myself going over some of these issues trying to resolve them in my mind. It’s just so horrible, addiction is horrendous, it’s all consuming for the addicted person and the people closest to them. And at the end of the day, you’re left with all the sadness and pain of not ever seeing them again, it’s just so sad, there isn’t enough help out there for people.
No worries on the long delay.
As you say, there are no answers so I think it’s no point trying to work it out or second guess.
He wouldn’t engage with services and kept it hidden but I wish with all my heart he had got help. He went to the GP about six months before he died but didn’t follow up on the referral!!!
I wish you all the best xx
Oh that’s a shame, knowing he didn’t follow up, I think it’s just so difficult. But that was his choice I guess, I hope that doesn’t sound too harsh. My ex partner was just weeks away from being admitted to an NHS detox centre, he was on the waiting list. I wanted to help more but I also wanted to respect his choices. It’s sad some people just don’t get enough chances, it’s so dangerous. I feel there isn’t enough information out there about just how dangerous alcohol can be. I had no idea really of the problems it can cause until I met my partner. I had no idea how hard it is to get sober for an alcoholic. I guess the not knowing he had relapsed would have been so hard but people can be very good at hiding what they don’t want you to know. I wish you all the best too xx
I too didn’t realise until I met my partner the extent of the issues.
No your comment wasn’t harsh I agree with you. It’s so frustrating knowing they could have got help, but hey Ho!
It has to be their choice and we are all responsible for the choices we make.
I guess we chose to still be in a relationship with them even knowing there were issues. I did try to walk away and I managed for about 18 months but then he said he’d been dry and he was in better health, and I missed him.
It’s important to remember the person he was not the addiction.
xx