Losing an estranged child suddenly.

On October 11th I received the phone call I had been dreading for ten years.
My daughter was 33 and had been in an abusive marriage for 11 years.

My daughter had a brain haemorrhage and was on life support but brain dead.

I raised her and her brother as a single parent with little to no support.
We hadn’t spoken for ten years due to her situation and her choice.
She had two children, the youngest I had never met and the eldest I hadn’t seen for ten years. He’ll soon be 11.

I have been devastated by this. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. I have no recent memories to comfort me. I can’t even remember the sound of her voice.

I had always lived in the hope of a reconciliation and had reached out many times over the years but she would never respond.

I’ve searched and searched for some appropriate support but can’t seem to find anything specific to my situation.

I don’t know how to begin to heal from this.

I’ve lost interest in anything that used to hold pleasure and it takes every bit of little strength I have left just to do the basics.

The grandchildren don’t know me and are so damaged and traumatised.

I don’t know where to turn.

Mimi, having just read your post my heart is bleeding for you. How traumatic and I can truly understand how you are feeling. Devastated doesn’t cover it. There are different organisations but to cover what you have been through would require three or four being put together. I think perhaps you should look at counselling, either by Sue Ryder or Cruse, both offer a free service and just being able to talk about what has gone on in the past as well more recent events may help you understand how to heal. I am hoping that by writing your post will have helped but you need more help to come to terms with the situation. Be kind to yourself and try not to blame yourself for anything. You need lots of love and re-assurance. Take care and please look after yourself, you are very vulnerable at present. S xx

Susie123 thank you for reaching out. It’s so very difficult to find words to explain how I feel. I spent the first three weeks in shock, numb, dealing with different authorities and professionals. It’s such a complex and complicated situation.

My son is in pieces too, they were so close until my daughter cut him off too 9 years ago. There last interaction wasn’t a pleasant one for either of them and my heart breaks for him as much as my own grief.

My mum is in bits as I’m my mother’s only biological child my children her only grandchildren.

I don’t feel able to lean on any of them for support when they are struggling themselves.

We live in a small village and everyone knows everyone. Everywhere I go people offer condolences and it’s like reliving it over and over again. I appreciate their concern but I have been avoiding going out so I don’t have to speak about it face to face. I don’t know how to respond or what to say to anyone.

It’s felt like living in a soap opera and I can’t change the chanel.
I spend hours just sitting doing nothing, I can’t concentrate on anything except my thoughts.

I’m self employed working in solitude from home but have not been able to work. I’m an artist but don’t have the heart to paint right now. The money isn’t important enough to motivate me.

Everything is in limbo while we wait for the professionals to do what they need to do and I know it’s going to get worse before it gets better.

We’re still grieving for my Dad who passed in February from cancer. As a family, we are completely and utterly broken.