Losing Ashley at 19 yrs old, 8 years on, still like day 1

Losing a child
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We lost our beautiful son too diabetic ketoacidosis. He went to bed and didn’t wake up, he was living away from home and it is the most horrendous phone call to get, it plays over and over. The guilt I live with is unbearable, I’m only here because I’m needed by others, I live in pain, this poem sums this up.

TIME

I thought that time was healing
All the hurt you left behind
That empty spaces could be filled
My arms, my heart, my mind
And though my body looks the same
As it did when you were here
The emptiness is growing
Even bigger with each year

I thought that time was healing
All the agonising pain
That as the tears were fading
Soon I wouldn’t feel the same
And though I can be smiling
And you think that I’ll survive
The pain is in my blood now
I have nowhere else to hide

I thought that time was healing
All the loss a mother feels
That now you live within my heart
I had you near me still
But I need so much to touch you
To see you smile again
And those memories I’m told are mine
Can never feel the same

I thought that time was healing
All the while the mask was worn
That underneath a new me
Was waiting to be born
But now I find I am the mask
It helps to keep me safe
And though my heart is breaking
You won’t see it in my face

I thought that time was healing
All those tears my eyes have seen
That aching arms that miss you
Could be satisfied with dreams
But here I am, in pain again
And healing stands alone
And mother weeps, the world can see
For a son who can’t come home
by Sue White

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Dear @Ashleysmum, thank you for sharing your poem. The saying ‘Time heals’ is a fallacy; we don’t get over grief, we live with it and it becomes a part of us. I posted the following a while ago and it’s something I think you’ll relate to:

How do you confront grief?
from Mortality Moments at Quora.com
by Courtney Susoeff-Rice

  • June 26,2021*

How do you confront grief?
Allow me to explain, in metaphor-

This is how I see it, and feel it…

You let it happen.

At first, it will overcome you. It will drown you beneath it’s currents. It will drag you down into its depths.

But how long you stay beneath the surface is entirely up to you.

If you face it, and accept it, it will slowly wash you back to shore.

You can’t fight it, or swim against it… You’ll just wear out and lose yourself, exhausted from the effort.

You’ve got to remember to breathe, just breathe. Sometimes, that’s all that you can do. And sometimes, that’s ok.

You’ll grow familiar with the motion of the tides. You’ll feel every ebb and flow. You’ll no longer be drowning, but it’ll take some time, you’ll have to come to terms with knowing that this big, vast, powerful ocean you’re in will always be there, has always been there.

At some point, instinctively, you’ll start floating…

Then swimming.

After a while, you’ll forget what it was like to walk in the sand.

But there will come a point in time that your feet touch land.

You’ll walk out of the water and ease back into life.

The ocean will never leave you… After drowning for so long, and then growing used to the way it felt to just be able to keep your head above the waves, you’ll never forget that it’s become a part of you.

And, from time to time, you may find yourself waking up surrounded by its deep and blue embrace. Triggered by a memory- a song- A moment…

But you’ll remember how to get back to shore, this time. Even if it takes a little while. So you’ll let it push you back into the shallows, remembering to breathe and not struggle, and you’ll pick yourself up and carry on.

It may happen less and less, but at some point, you’ll always find yourself back in the sea, because pieces of you that are still there will call you back.

You let it happen, you face it, you accept it, and you learn to live with it. It never goes away, it simply becomes a part of us. Once you’ve felt it, there will always be that knowledge, and there is only what was before, and what is now. You grow. You push forward. But you know that the ocean is in you, all along. So you breathe, to keep from drowning from the inside out

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Hi Kate, this is beautifully written and sooo true, thank you for sharing that with me, it makes so much sense. Kate, you seem to be such a godsend here, so kind, empathetic, a kind word when needed, I hope you are also ok Kate, you have your own story yet you help so many others. Thank you and bless you xx

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Beautiful poem thank you so much

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Dear Ashley’s Mum, how horrendous for you to get that news. I am type 2 diabetic and there’s a lot I don’t actually know about the disease.

I didn’t know about ketoacidosis. It runs in my family.
Getting the news of your child passing has to be the most horrendous for us parents. In my case my late daughter’s children had to be told. I got the job of telling the oldest who was only 21. Ones life is never the same. My grandson felt enormous guilt as he hadn’t spoken to his mum for years as he was angry with her because she was an addict. When he was told his instant reaction was the utmost of guilt. He said he wished he could turn the clock back and go and see and talk to her. So he is left with that. Even although we were aware she could go at any time it’s the last thing you expect to hear. It was sepsis that took her in the end with a heart attack.
Your beautiful innocent son passed through no fault of his own. I will say a prayer :pray: that you will get comfort from whoever it is that sends it to give you a feeling of peace . I do believe they are around us and leaving subtle hints and signs.
I was at a chines carry out shop near where I live. I thought of my daughter walking up to pay for my meal and collect it. They gave me 30 pence change, a 20p and a 10p. I was there about 10 minutes waiting for my food and at my feet there was that exact amount of money on the ground. I said to the chap at the door here’s someone’s change and he said it’s yours. I checked my pocket and I had my change. I picked the change up and told them to put it in their charity box.
There was nobody else there. I felt it was my daughter letting me know she was there. She loved a curry.! I hope you will feel better and have the feeling your son is around you. I know it’s not enough but it is some sort of soothing for us perhaps from our children. Healing thoughts to you. From Mag.xx

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Hi mag, thank you so much for your beautiful kind words, they are very appreciated, you have a beautiful heart :purple_heart:. I’m so sorry to hear that story, your poor grandson, I know how that guilt feels, god bless him. You know yourself it’s the worst call a mother can ever get, and the task what comes after, in my case, telling hubby, then getting my sons siblings out of school and his nan round to break the news together, my husband had to hide behind the school wall to wipe his face before going in to get the kids, at the time they were 9 and 6, and absolutely adored their big brother, his other brother was 2 years younger than ash, he was 17 but mentally disabled, I will never forget that exact moment of saying the words and each individual reaction, ripped my heart out.
Ashley was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at the age of 13, he struggled to keep his levels good and calculating his insulin, so when I took over that part and gave him his injections he said it felt like a weight lifted of his shoulders as he had adhd as well. Sadly his school were treating him terribly, no support whatsoever, even had the diabetic nurse and his phychiatrist visit the school because they would refuse to give him his dinner disc if he didn’t do a test, well you can imagine, high blood levels, adhd, hormones made him very irritable to being spoken to like that so he’d walk off, in the end at 16 he started smoking cannabis for his nerve pain, he’d been excluded from school, he was always combative due to high levels and lack of support at school, he was made to do his injections in the corridor as they had no medical room! He hated it. When he left to be with a girl he’d known since childhood her mum promised to help him manage, he was so vulnerable, I’d been best friends with her for years, then she’d moved far away, we stayed in touch. The relationship with the girl didn’t last and he lived with her mum, her mum would tell him to do the injections himself as he was old enough, he felt ashamed and withdrew and his levels rose and he didn’t wake up, the guilt I feel is all engulfing to this day, the strong resentment to this woman, I can’t begin to describe, she was lying to me because he was a money source, his pip and esa was going in their bank, oh the story would horrify you, anyway, that all said, I’d like to let you know I feel what you and yours are going through, how it never stops and offer you prayers back, thank you so much for talking to me xx

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Yesterday was an awful day. I thought it would help had Laura put her grandma who adored her . Seeing her name on the stone absolutely destroyed me it’s coming home to me more & more that’s she’s gone & I’ll never see her again or hear voice. The dreams have now become nightmares. Have me not been able to rescue her . I try so hard infront of my other children that am coping. But the lack of sleep is killing me . Two weeks ago we had to put to sleep her beautiful cat .afraid to close my eyes of what I might dream

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Oh dear May I say I am so sorry about your grandma and the cats :cat2: was the cat ill. I have a black and white cat called Mia. She is not well just now and it’s breaking my heart and using up a lot of energy. Stress wears me out. I am feeling similar about things coming home. I realise more so now that I won’t hear from my daughter. I am desperate for a medium centre to open up. It’s just another bit of hope for a message. Can’t even go to church to talk. This Covid has been horrid to say the least. All best wishes to you. From Meg.

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I am so sorry if I’ve confused anyone with my messed up message. This is how my mind is . It was Laura’s grandma my mother. I’d had Laura’s ashes put with her.& Laura’s poor cat was 19 yrs old had liver failure. Was still pottering round. Think he was hanging on just to give me comfort. Miss everyone so much. Hope I’ve cleared things up a bit . My heart goes out to everyone. This will be my seventh awful Xmas. I am the youngest of 12 so you can imagine we’ve lost either brother sister nephew & niece. I’ve had a blessed life with all these lovely people but this is the sad part :two_hearts:

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This is a sad part for me. Lost my daughter Easter last year. This year just recently my brothers wife died aged 66. She’s left 2 sons and 3 grandchildren.
My brother her husband took a cerebral stroke this year and went into a home with cerebral dementia. My brother took his first stroke one day before he retired from work. He has now had a few more. Their 2 sons may have to sell the family home to pay for my brothers keep in the home. All of this in the same year both are gone as we knew them. The oldest boy has taken his mother’s passing badly. He was being sick and I don’t know what else but he ended up in hospital. The younger boy seems to be holding things together. I can’t believe how it all seems to have happened at once. On the day of her funeral a white butterfly flew beside me on my balcony beside a plant and then disappeared. I like to think it was a sign from my sister in law that she now knew the truth. Fall out in the family and I seem to be the black sheep and was getting blamed wrong so I believe it was her saying she knew it was OK. My daughter believed in things like that but my brother would just thing I was mad.(lol).
It has given me some piece of mind. I’m 69 now and remember when we were all friends. My 2 remaining sons don’t talk to me either. I know it sounds like it’s me, but sometimes I think I need to talk my life out with a psychiatrist.
But the positive thing is I seemed to have turned a corner and I’m now keen to get my house in order.
My cat had been sick for a week and the stress and worry from that wasn’t helping. But glad to say I am feeling slightly more energetic.
I’m sorry I have gone on here and I do sometimes forget and mislay things, but I think we can be excused considering.
Much love and healing for everyone :yellow_heart: :heart: on here. Its almost 2.am so il go for now.xxx

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Everyone, my heart goes out to you and I feel the confusion and muddled mindedness and pain, the pain, 8th Xmas without him, 4th without my brother, it hurts, if you need help, you should seek it, I’m only just doing it now but I know I need to. This place is a godsend. God bless you both, you all, much love :heart:

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