Just under 5 years ago when I was 19 years old my dad was killed in a motorbike accident, it was so unexpected and tragic and completely tore my whole world apart. It was like the bubble of “bad things happen to other people and not me” had burst and I have been nothing but an anxious and depressed mess since. My mum was training to be a Clinical Psycholigist and so I was always able to ring her whenever I felt alone, scared or in pain and she would always know the right thing to say and was always able to make me laugh and stop me from spiralling into feeling much worse. I had just started to feel like I was beginning to heal and adjust to the new normal that my life had become after loosing my dad who was my absolute hero when I lost my mum too. That was a little under 2 years ago and I still feel completely out of control and I am hurting like it was yesterday. My mum was my rock, the person I went to about anything and her strength as a 44 year old widow (47 when she died) kept me feeling like I could be strong too. Now shes gone all I ever seem to feel is pain and anger. I hate the world for taking them both away from me and I cant seem to stop reliving the week she spent in hospital on life support over and over in my head. It was quick with my dad as he died on impact but I watched my mum die. How am I ever supposed to be any resemblance of okay after that, especially when my mum was my safe space and the person who helped me through the grief I was already feeling? All I can think about is everything theyre going to miss. My dad will never walk me down the aisle and they will never meet my future children or be there for any of the other milestones in my life. My dad never got to see me be anything but a moody teenager and my mum never got to see me overcome the grief she so deperately wanted to take away from her little girl. They were both the kindest and most amazing people and they didnt deserve to die so young or to miss so much of mine and my younger (by 2 years) sisters life. So how do I stop being so angry all of the time? All I ever seem to do is lash out at the people who are still here, my partner of 7 years who has stuck with me through it all gets the worst of it and I feel like such a horrible person because all I ever seem to do is take my pain out on him and he doesnt deserve it, but I feel too alone and too in love with him to end the relationship even though I know he would be better off without me which puts me into a constant state of self loathing.
Hi zobo
I’m so sorry for your losses and can understand some of what you are going through. I lost my mum suddenly 28 weeks ago today. She was my world and suffered a sudden brain haemorrhage 15 minutes after a routine operation in hospital. She was 74 and I’m 48 but she was so young minded and funny and my world has crashed. When my parents were 53 and I was 27 my dad had a massive heart attack and died in bed. The shock was unbelievable but with the support of my mum we got through and created a new life.
Now she has gone, like you, I am angry with the world. I am grumpy with my partner and have no interest in anything. I work full time and run the house but am not interested in going out or going on holidays. I never socialise anymore and I know my partner whilst sympathetic,as he loved my mum and misses her terribly, really wants a return to normality.
I cant see myself ever being happy again.
I dont know what to suggest, I just wanted you to know you arent alone. There are many people on this forum who have lost both parents and will soon come along with ideas on how they cope.
Have you tried counselling? I had 6 sessions but it didnt help me. I think it may have been too soon but as you are a bit further along in your journey it may be an option?
Cheryl x
I lost both of my parents too. My Dad twenty years ago and my Mum coming up for 12 weeks ago. I feel cast adrift. It’s a new reality for me, which will take a very long time to cope with and live with.
I don’t think I’ve any advice, as its new to me too. You are not alone.
Thank you for your replies, its hard not to feel alone when I’m so young, none of my friends understand what I’m going through and avoid talking about it and a lot of people avoid me now. Being on orphan at 24 (my age now) isnt a normal thing to go through, everyone knows they will loose their parents at some point as its a normal life progression, however horrible I always thought when it did Id have resources available to be able to cope. Id have my own life established and have my own little family to fall back on. I dont even feel like an adult yet and theyre gone. Im just a lost child who has no clue how to be a grown up and I have barely anyone around me other than my boyfriend for support or distraction. My dad had a huge family and none of them have even spoken to me since my mums funeral and my mums two brothers are great but both of them have their own lives and dont really make sure im okay very often. My relationship with my sister is still rebuilding because the grief we both felt led to so many arguments and tensions that I had to leave her in my mums house (living with her partner) despite me and my boyfriend originally moving in to support her financially and emotionally after my mum died. I just feel so lost with no family roots and no friends. This isnt the life I pictured for myself at all and I dont know how im supposed to be okay enough to build the life and the family ive always wanted. Im not a good girlfriend at the moment at all so I know I would make a terrible mother right now, despite the fact I desperately want a family again. Its not fair that ive had to do everything in the wrong order. Im just treading water to stay alive right now but I desperately want all of the milestones everyone around me is achieving like getting married and having kids but Im a broken wreck and its like my life has been stolen from me
Hi zobo,
Although I’m twice your age and do have a 12 year old child I feel the same as you. I’ve lost my roots and my history.
But I agree that at 24 you dont deserve to have lost both parents. Life is very unfair.
Have you pursued counselling at all?
Unfortunately this probably is a case of time allowing the pain to lessen. Sue ryder offer counselling online. The link is on the website if it might be worth giving a go?
Cheryl x
Im studying Psychology at the moment and in my final year of Uni. I have thought about councelling a lot but I just dont think it will be helpful because I already know so much about the brain and psychology that I cant help but feel like id find it patronising for a 40 ish year old adult who likely still has both of their parents to sit and listen to me or try to guide me on how to cope with it all. Plus im embarrased by my grief and I dont like being vulnerable in front of people other than my boyfriend because every time I have let any of my friends see my grief they have rejected me. My best friend at the time told me id become a burden after my dad died so I havent spoken to her since and another ex friend recently told me I make everything about me and am self absorbed all of the time (it was the day before my mums birthday when she said it and I wasnt particularly present or able to give her advice about a problem she was having). Now im just terrified to let anyone in because I dont want anyone to see how bitter and angry I am or to see me fall apart. No one really seems to care about what i am going through anyway so I dont feel like a person who is paid to listen to me is going to make me feel supported or cared about, if anything quite the opposite.
Well we all care on this forum because we are all struggling with grief, so please come on here as much as you like. None of us will say you have made it about you.
Your friends were very insensitive and I guess just simply dont understand. I remember only speaking to friends who had lost a parent when my dad died and there were only a few of those as I was 27.
I understand the reluctance to do counselling as I didnt enjoy my 6 sessions, although it was another person who was willing to listen.
Thank you, I suppose that is what I am here for really, just some kind words from people who truly understand and seem to care. I care so much about others and never really seem to get it back so it is so hard to feel like there is any genuine connection in my life other than with my partner and that can be so hard because my grief leads to so many arguments between us that it can feel like our relationship is holding on by a thread sometimes and I just feel like i am a burden to him too. Theres this hole in my world where the unconditional love of my parents used to be and everyone else just seems to let me down or avoid me like I have some sort or grief plague. No one wants to hear about it and I just feel like a downer and an inconvenience. Councelling isnt something Im ruling out completely because I know the only way to know if it will work is for me is to try it, but at the moment I just dont feel ready to let anyone in and I feel really violated if they do see my grief in the very few occasions I cant maintain my pretend strong exterior.
Zobo, I remember reading somewhere that one can loose friends whilst grieving.
It is unfair and sad you lost both parents so early. Please don’t rule out counselling. I intend to have counselling when it all feels less raw.
You will slowly build your own foundation. Even as a mature woman in her early 50’s I’m aware of trying to build stability to deal with the future.
Thank you, I have lost so many friends its hard to keep count. I was surrounded by people when I was 19 and now I have 2 friends, but one of those has just got into a new relationship and is working nights at the moment so I barely see or speak to her, and the other is about to have a baby (due date tomorrow) so has so much going on in her life that she doesnt have as much time for me either (understandably of course). Additional to that I have a lot of Uni work to do and catch up on so a lot of the time I have to socially isolate myself just to be able to continue with my degree and make up for the bad days when I cant do anything.
Hi Zobo.
Welcome. This forum opens up its arms for me when I need it and I am sure it will for you too. We all understand at least some of what you are going through. Xx
I lost my dad in 2017 then my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer a few weeks later. I lost her in 2018, a year after my dad. I’m an only child and I was very close to them both so it has been a hard journey.
I may be older than you (early 40’s) but I don’t think age is the important thing for friendship or understanding grief. Having a connection with someone who gets you is the important thing and I have good friends a decade younger than me and others decades older. I too have lost friends through my grief journey as I suddenly realised that they don’t really care about others. I only want people who are kind and thoughtful around me now and the selfish ones can go so it sorts out the good friends from the bad and makes me want to be a better friend to people too.
I’ve had counselling and it helped me so please don’t rule it out. I wanted to have somewhere where I could completely let my guard down and feel sorry for myself and it helped me see things more clearly.
If you don’t know what to do or where to turn, imagine what your mum and dad would tell you to do. You will know what they would say in any situation I bet. It helps me to do that.
Sending love
Annxxx