Losing both parents

Losing a parent
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Hiya, I’m 27 and I have lost both my mum and dad to cancer. My dad passed away from lung cancer and it was a long process and it took its toll on all of us. I was the only one there when he died as I slept next to him every night I was holding his hand when he left and it was heart breaking. 8 months later my mum died of malignant melanoma and she ended up in ICU where I had to decided to take her of the respirator, again she left whilst I was holding her hand. I threw myself back onto work as I’m a primary school teacher and it helped as a distraction but it’s now been over year since my dad and just over 4 months since my mum passed away and I feel like my world is crashing down around me. I thought I had passed through the stages of grief but I’ve realised I most definitely haven’t. Any help and advice would be amazing. Thank you

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Hello @Loocas,

I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about your mum and dad. Losing both parents so close together is devastating. I hope you find the community to be a support to you - you are not alone.

I’m sure someone will be along to share their thoughts, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.

I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,
Seaneen

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@Loocas I’m so sorry for your losses. I too lost both of my parents, lost my mum 30th April then 3 weeks later, lost my dad.
Like you, I also went straight back to work and all I did was distract, distract, distract. If I wasn’t working, I’d be at the spurts centre, playing badminton or swimming. This went on for a while until one day, it all came crashing down & I felt suicidal. I fell into a very very dark place.
I called Bupa for urgent counselling (through my workplace) and I just let everything out to that poor lady on the other end. She did say that the longer we distract, the harder it’ll hit us later.
I found a lot of comfort talking to everyone on here. There’s no judgement or cliché phrases. Everyone on here are going through the same thing so in helping support each other helps everyone.
I find that expressing everything on here also helps…I mean, there’s no word limit so, express away. I post when I’m having bad days, I post when I’m angry at the world…it really helps to off-load.
I have started to set some time aside just to ‘feel’ everything and cry my eyes out (usually when I’m in the shower, my safe space)
Please keep sharing. Sending you a big hug xx

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Oh my gosh thank you so much for replying, I am so sorry to hear about your parents but in some way it is comforting to know that someone has got through it and has found ways to cope. Thank you for taking the time to share your story. Today was one of the worst days I’ve had I just sat staring at a photo of them both for about 3 hours hoping it would somehow come alive. I am not an artist at all but I felt the urge to draw how I was feeling and it really helped.

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Hi @Loocas that’s awful you lost both parents close together, and at your age too. I’m 32 and recently lost my mum to lung cancer. It was awful. I was also holding her as she died. But I’m also so glad I was there, however traumatic it was, so she wasn’t alone, and hopefully heard my voice and words. Mum was both mum and dad to me as she raised me alone, so I also have no parents/family left I’m close to. It makes you feel very alone. I have a husband and close friends I talk to. Do you have anyone like that you can talk to? I also get what you mean about work. I’ve recently gone back, and because I put on a brave face, I think they think I’m OK, when inside I’m really struggling and so depressed. I think it helps just to talk to like-minded people, like on here. I don’t know many other people my age in my situation, apart from on here x

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@Loocas I think we’re always going to experience those extremely painful/sad moments/days/weeks. For me, the everyday little things that all of a sudden trigger the realisation that I no longer have parents cuts my heart so deep. I came across my parents home address on my Amazon account and broke down realising that house is now empty and once new people buy it, it’ll be like my parents never existed. That really hurts.

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it is hard not to take these losses personally. cancer is so rampant now. leaving lots of people without family members. I lost mine but I am older. not old but not young. only child. it is hard being without loving parents. the hard part is facing a world that doesn’t love you like they did. no choice. think of what they want for you and do that. they leave us no blueprint but think of their ideal life for you and pursue it. it is the lost part that is hardest here. grieve and try to imagine the best life for yourself.

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That’s me now I’m working nights 6 on 2 off and sleeping as much as possible all for the distraction and to be whole honest it’s not helping me much either! So I think I may have to consider some of your points here too! Thank you for sharing xx

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Firstly I am so so sorry for your losses. I too have lost both my parents and it is a pain like no other. I lost my mum in April of last year and my Dad 9 weeks later. I’ll be completely honest I don’t know how I’m still standing. Along with my husband and our two sons my mum and dad were my life.
I miss them both every single day. If it weren’t for my own family and my brother I don’t know where I’d be. Lean on everyone you can for support as you really need it. Talk when you need to. Cry when you need to. Get counselling if you need to. But keep going as that’s what your Mum and Dad would want most. Sending you all my love x