I am new to this group as to be honest I am wondering if how I feel is normal!
I lost my Dad on Father’s Day in June 22 and my Mum on her birthday Jan 23. I still feel so lost ! I have a loving husband and three grown up children and work full time. But as soon as I wake my parents are on my mind. I feel guilty if I don’t take flowers to the grave ( they are laid to rest next to my brother my mum and I always went each week to take flowers ) I feel like I am letting them down by not keeping my brothers grave looking nice. But it just depresses me going at the moment.
I have lost interest in doing even the mundane jobs of housework. I obviously do it but I seem to have lost the will to do things.
I keep thinking of past times with my parents thinking I should have been better towards them.
I can’t seem to move on. If moving on is a thing. I Just miss them and they take up
So much of my thoughts. I am on antidepressants to help as was crying constantly. I don’t like to say to my family how I feel as I feel I should be my normal self by now but I am not.
Does anyone else feel like this 17 months on from losing a parent or both. It’s exhausting.
I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about your parents. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.
Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.
Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
Take care,
Hi Beaty, I am so sorry for your losses. I too am parentless after losing my Mum in April 2022 and my Dad 9 weeks later in July 2022. I have a husband and two amazing grown up children, a great family and good friends. I still feel so alone often and think of my Mum and Dad a lot of the time. I find it so hard to put into words the pain and sadness I feel at knowing I’ll never see or speak to them again. I am going through a wave of grief just now that literally takes my breath away sometimes. It’s like the realisation hits you again of the enormity of your loss. I haven’t came on this forum for a while, but felt a crushing moment of sadness and felt I wanted to share my feelings. Grief is the most excruciating hidden emotion that so many of us experience and one that nobody can fully comprehend until they have experienced themselves. Sending you love and support
I’m so sorry for losses. That’s hard. But my goodness your post has just described my life!! It’s 10 months today since my Mum died and I feel I am getting worse. I have lost 4stones in weight and can’t sleep. This is day 3 of no sleep. I plan every night that I will get back to normal tomorrow but this is now the new normal. I spent 7 hours yesterday at the hospital with the Mental Health Crisis because I had an absolute massive meltdown at my GP when after waiting 7 weeks for an appointment when I asked for help and even she said I have never seen you like this. She said I will double up your antidepressants. I lost it I said is that all you can offer and she said yes unfortunately. She then called the crisis team. Then told me to wait in the waiting room until the ambulance arrived. What chance do people have? There needs to be better training for GPs especially in that surgery as I found out that they don’t have any Medical Health worker of any kind there. Lack of education in Bereavement which let’s face it will probably affect most of the population and more clinicians need to be trained. I think this is why this forum is a lifeline for a LOT of people because we more or less, well most of anyway all know what others are going through. We are all part of this crappy club that none of us wants to join but we are ALL lifetime members. I have a poem it’s by a woman called Donna Ashworth. It’s called
THE LIVING.
The living wish the dead PEACE and the dead wish the living that too
The living wish the dead NO PAIN and the dead wish the living that too
The living wish the dead GREAT JOY and the dead wish the living that too
The living wish the dead ALIVE again and the dead wish the living that too.
I’m going to try and keep my focus on becoming alive again for my Mum as much as myself. She would hate to see me like this. I bet your parents would too and your brother. Let’s try to do it for them. I know it can be done because of all the other losses I’m from a big family 2 Grans, 2 Grandads and a Stepgrandad 18 Aunties and uncles and 37 cousins and now all the seniors have gone, my Mum outlived all her siblings my Dad died 17 years ago and we lost a Nephew aged 6 his Brother Aged 25 Brother in law aged 27 another brother in law aged 41 one cousin aged 11 another 2 cousins in their early thirties another cousin aged 24 a sister in law aged 40 and 2 cousins (sisters) aged in their early 50,s and finally 2 cousins brother and sister aged 17 and 19 in a car crash that we have gone through. It’s not been easy especially for their parents/siblings but I’ve seen some of them come through this and get out the other side. Sadly some of them took their own lives.
Take care, go easy on yourself.
Luv and hugs to all on here xx
Hi, so sorry for your loss. I felt like this for a long time after loosing my Dad. I think it’s because he died so suddenly and unexpectedly. I was in shock.
Someone told me once not to let my grief consume me, because it can, and it can stop you from living.
I read somewhere not to feel guilty because ultimately, it’s not my fault.
I too am on antidepressants because i have now lost my beloved mum.
I am going to try everything i can to make sure i go through all the stages of grief (I believe there are 7)
Then i’m determined to try and live each day because “Life is for the living, death is for the dead, let life be like music, and death a note unsaid”- Langston Hughes
Hiya
I like that quote.
Here is a poem I like.
THE LIVING
The living wish the dead PEACE and the dead wish the living that too
The living wish the dead no PAIN and the dead wish the living that too
The living wish the dead great JOY and the dead wish the living that too
The living wish the dead ALIVE again and the dead wish the living that too.
Donna Ashworth
Xx
Yes! I do. I’m so so sorry for your loss, it’s so hard. Reading your post, you could easily have been describing my life. I lost my lovely dad in October 2022 and my wonderful mam in December 2022. I still feel lost. But its nice to feel that I’m not alone
I have days that are better than others, but i still have terrible days, where all I can do is cry or fly off the handle for the the tiniest thing! I am a nightmare to live with. I feel like every aspect of my life is suffering but there’s nothing I can do about it.
I did break down in front of my GP last month as I hadnt slept since the day my father died, and had reached my melting point. I just couldn’t function any more.
I’m on a waiting list for counselling (2 years!) and have started anti-depressants. They’ve helped a bit with the sleeping, but not much else
I understand how you feel about the grave too - i’ve been on autopilot sorting the headstone etc, and initially felt better when it went up. Now, a month later i’m struggling to visit, but the guilt I feel when I havent been is unbearable. I feel under pressure, but I’m the only one piling on the pressure.
My siblings are quite distant too, so I feel quite alone, even though I have a wonderful husband and sons. They have been my rock. As well as a small group of friends. They’ve been my safe space.
I tend to stick to events etc with my close group, and even now I just don’t want to be in the company of people who I havent seen since my loss.
It’s exhausting- the grief keeps coming when you least expect it, when I go shopping, or see a packet of biscuits my dad loved - just silly everyday things.
Don’t feel under pressure to get over it. Take your time, one foot after the other, and you will get the odd days that are better than others! It’s so hard, and feels like yesterday.
Sorry I have no advice for you, but just know you’re not alone
I lost my Mum in 2019 and my Dad in December 2023. I didnt return to work until the end of March, after my Dad passed and have now been off work for the past 4 weeks again due to basically feeling like ive gone back to how I felt not long after Dad had passed away. Going for nights with little sleep, feeling super anxious and on edge, crying a lot and stuggling with self care. Im still not feeling great, im sleeping too much now, not wanting to get out of bed in the mornings and face another day, feeling anxious and crying a lot. I had an assessment this week for high intensity CBT and the lady was shocked at how many different therapy’s i have tried and yet i was still relasping. The issue is when i feel my mental health deteriorating and i see my GP its a case of do a referral for talking therapy and waiting months and months for an appointment and in the meantime lets increase your meds. Also, when you do finally get to the top of the waiting list they can only offer a maximum of 8 sessions, so just when im starting to turn a corner the therapy is over, and im on my own. I know it is the same for everyone. Its so hard as when you go to your GP to ask for help you need it then, and waiting doesnt help and then its only a few sessions and its over.
I understand alot of the things that you lot are feeling. Its so tough not having any parents left. I feel like i need someone to be a parent to me, i feel so lost and scared. When im sad i try and imagine im having a conversation with my mum or my dad, telling them how im feeling and what there response would be. It will get easier for us all, it just takes time .
Oh gosh so sorry for your pain .
I have now lost both parents.
I just dont know if i will ever get over this.
I cant concentrate or focus, have no motivation, feel tired easily, feel sorry for myself.
How on earth does anyone move on without the unconditional love and support a parent brings.
I will miss my mum terribly.
You won’t ever get over it, but you WILL learn to live with it. Even though your parents are gone, they are still with you in your memories, and you can talk to them, whether that is in your head, out loud, or by writing them a letter.
Sending hugs.
I feel for you. My Mum died at the beginning of January this year, after years of dementia. My amazing Dad cared for her at home until the end. He was just starting to live with me and my young family when he was diagnosed with advanced liver cancer and died just 19 days later. On 9th July this year. I am heartbroken and just don’t know how to be without him. We were best friends
I’m so sorry for your loss. I hear your pain. It really is a tough journey we are on. Have you tried MIND for count? Here in Suffolk you can have up to 20 sessions with a qualified counsellor. It does cost though. £33 per session or £22 concessions. Also have you tried Sue Ryder counselling ? 6 free sessions. Mine was brilliant and I couldn’t recommend it highly enough. Hope the CBT helps give you some coping strategies that help you get through this.
Take care
Xx
