Losing both parents

Lost my mum 6 years ago at the age of 76 and my dad last week at the age of 86 . Feel so guilty my dad went into a coma while I was not there in hospital . Didn’t get a chance to say goodbye .

I’m so sorry for your losses, I didn’t get to say goodbye to my dad either as he died very suddenly a month ago from a bleed on the brain, he was alone and I wish I had been there to hold his hand as he passed so he wouldn’t have been alone. He wouldn’t want me to regret things though and he had the death he would have wanted, instant and no hospitals. I just struggle with wrapping my head around the fact that he’s actually gone, he was 73 and I wasn’t ready to lose him, I guess non of us ever are. I just wanted to send you a hug and say you are not alone, hugs xxxx

Thx for the encouragement . My dad was nearly 87 so it’s hard even now to accept it , last Monday he went for a CT scan at 7.30 am and thru discovered the same , bleeding on the brain from 2 places , not sure if this was dementia related or not but I never got to hold his hand and say I love you , he never responded to anything after that and by 7.40 pm the same night I lost him . I thought I was alone but after hearing your loss , I feel I can at least relate to someone . Take care .x

I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad 5 years ago, I was stuck on the motorway, in a traffic jam, trying to get to the hospital, when I got a txt to say he had gone. I lost my mother 14 months ago, she died suddenly in the night, alone and I wanted to hold her hand and be there, I told her I would. The guilt is awful, it seems to get worse although people have said it will ease. I don’t know if it does or if we just get used to living with it. I know my parents wouldn’t like me to feel so bad, I’m sure yours would be the same. The grieving process is a hard road.

Hi fionajane77,

I just came across your post and was wondering how things were. I lost my mum aged 74 to a sudden bleed on the brain in june. She wasnt even ill and it wssnt something that was even on my radar. I cant believe she has gone especially this way.

I’m sorry to hear about your loss. It really is a surreal world but please don’t feel guilty. We all want to say goodbye but sometimes it isn’t possible and need to place comfort that you would have been there if you could xx big hugs xx

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Hi vicky,

Sorry you have lost both parents. I lost my dad to a sudden heart attack and my mum to a sudden stroke
Life is pretty rubbish. How are you bearing up? X

Hi All

Just wondered how you are all doing? I’m missing my parents very much today. Xx

I just wanted to share something. I was very fortunate in that I held my dad’s hand when he died and then a year later I held my mum as she died but I have other regrets and things that go round and round in my mind. I just wanted to say that I think everyone has thoughts about what they could do differently and guilt after the death of a loved one.

You all clearly care so I am sure your parents would know that. It is what you did for them during their life and the love you had for them that matters. Plus how we live on to make them proud somehow.

It really is tough losing parents. However they go.

Sending lots and lots of love.

Ann xxx

Hi ann,

Nice to hear from you.
I miss my mum so much it takes my breath away. She was such a huge part of my life. I lost her 21 weeks ago today and I still cant believe it happened.
I didn’t get to home either of their hands when they passed. My dad died instantly of a heart attack. I was only a few minutes away but he was already gone by the time i arrived. My mum who had a brain hemorrhage in June was in a coma when I arrived at the hospital and I chose not to sit by her side. I wanted to remember her walking happily into hospital that day for what we thought would be a minor operation.
She never came through the operation
The pain I go through every day is immeasurable. But I know I’m not the only one x

Hi C1971,

You must be going through shock and disbelief, let alone everything else. Xx I had time to get used to the idea my parents were ill so I can’t imagine the shock you felt. I witnessed so much pain and suffering though and those graphic images do not leave me. I guess there is no perfect way to die.

It completely turns your world upside down doesn’t it. I am a bit further on to the grief journey than you as I lost my dad in May 17 then my mum May 18. I’m at a stage where I am trying to parent myself, look after myself now and take care of myself. It is a personal journey but for me, talking about my emotions, crying a lot, yoga, early nights, nature and reading about grief have helped. I’ve also decided to reduce drinking as I can see how easily it would be to turn to drink.

This site has helped and the counselling is a real life line too. I used to be private about emotions but I’ve become a bit Latin American about the who thing and let them all out now whenever I feel like it!

Something else that helps is thinking what would my mum and dad tell me to do. I always know so in some way, they are always with me.

Love doesn’t die. Just the physical body. Nobody can take my love for my parents away from me.

I’m rambling now. I hope you have an ok day. One day at a time is the best advice my mum ever gave me.

Take care
Ann xx

Thanks for your response Ann. My dad died 21 years ago so although it’s still sad for me to think about, the grief has gone. However my mum was just 4 and a half months ago and I am still grief stricken.
I’ve had 5 sessions of counselling but it hasnt really helped.
The time of year isn’t helping either.
Ive just got to get on with it.
In the early days walking really helped me. I also avoided alcohol although I’m back drinking fairly frequently now.
It absolutely changes your life losing both parents. To be that cliched adult orphan is just the worst pain and I get paranoid about my health. I was fine when mum was around and considered dads heart attack to be a one off in our family.
To see my lovely fit and healthy looking 74 year old mum die of a massive stroke and to learn through the post mortem that he she previously suffered a historic heart attack have shocked me so much.
Lovely to chat to someone in the same boat
Cheryl x

Hi Ann, I wasn’t with my mum when she died and I hate that. You r right that it was what we did for them when they were alive. I’m trying to embrace being positive but it is so hard. I just miss my mum and dad so much. I hope you are ok.

Hi everyone

How are you doing?

I feel slapped in the face by Christmas at the moment. My parents were my Christmas and I miss them both so much.

I feel selfish wallowing as I have a son and should be throwing myself into Christmas for him but it all just feels like such a pressure at the moment.

Hope you are all doing better than me today!
Feeling sorry for myself Ann xx

Hi ann,

I’m also feeling sorry for myself. First xmas without parents coming up and I’m just amazed that I’m even here in this position. 6 months ago my mum and I were living a happy, normal life.
Little did we know that mum was in the last couple of weeks of her life.
Not sure how I’m to get through this next few weeks.
Cheryl x

Hi Cheryl,
You will get through. We all will, but we need to be kind to ourselves. We are all here for each other so that is a good start. Xx
For me Christmas was all about my parents. It is now an ordeal to get through. Hopefully over time it will change and new traditions start.
What are you planning to do to get through? Last year was my first and the day itself was less difficult than I expected. Just took it hour by hour. It is the expectation and pressure I am struggling with this year.
Here if you need me.
Ann xxx

Thanks ann.
It isn’t the actual day that is bothering me. I have a 12 year old daughter and she is excited about presents, board games, sweets etc.
It will be hard without mum but I’m sure we will have an ok day. It’s the build up, the adverts, the high street and the decorations. Xmas was about my mum and daughter and I cant believe she isnt here to see it this year.
Thanks for your support ann x

Hi. Just wanted to say I hope you have all had some peace this Christmas.
Such a hard time of year for so many. Xx

Take care
Ann xx