Losing boyfriend of 5 years

Hi. I am in deep sorrow as I still can’t process nor accept the death of my dear boyfriend. We’ve been very committed with each other for 5 and a half years… not a minute went by where I did not think of him.
Then, last friday I found out he passed away from covid. I found out 2 days late as he was the only one I communicated with. I had tried to ask for his relatives contacts when we were still able to communicate on his critical days, just in case, but he never wanted to give it to me (we had been keeping our relationship secret because of social circumstances). He told me to calm down and he promised to reach out to me as soon as he felt better. It really tore my heart that he had broken that promise, just two days after making it. It broke my heart even more that I had to find out from his friend… 2 days late.
In those 2 days, I couldnt contact him at all… I thought he was in ICU or something, and I didnt dare to try to reach out to his family because I was afraid it would upset him and make his illness worse. This builds a massive guilt within me…

He was still very young, he would turn 25 exactly next month. I never really thought I would lose him this way… as I was pretty convinced that the disease would rarely cause death to younger people. It’s so painful… I really love him deeply and I am sure he felt the same way to me… we were very compatible with each other and I can’t imagine being with someone else… He too, always told me the same. Our dreams and hopes about the future are crushed…

Now, every where I look, every thing I do, reminds me of him. It’s getting more painful because I can’t tell him about my days anymore… I would told him every single detail about my day and he would listen joyfully. I never found someone, not even my parents, who was so excited to listen to me. Waking up in the morning, I always get shocked over and over again, wishing that his passing is just a joke or a dream…

Reading some experiences of everyone’s grief here is kind of calming… and somehow reminds me that I am not alone in this sorrow. So sorry for the long post and thanks everyone for sharing your stories.

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@teresa7316 hi Teresa I am so very sorry for your loss its so heartbreaking and devastating losing our soulmates I hope you have support around you keep on posting here you will find support i know I have you are not alone many of us here are on this horrendous journey everyone here understands and we all try to help eachother as best as we can stay safe take care sending hugs

Hi Casey, thank you for your kind words. It is indeed devastating… my parents keep telling me that I have a long path ahead, cheer up, he’ll want me to be happy, etc… but I just can’t. He was my whole world :cry:
I hope you will cope with your loss as well, glad to have some companion here who understand :slight_smile:

I get it. My partner died only on Wednesday but was in Argentina visiting his son. He has been ill for sometime but I always believed he would come home to me.
I am lost and do not know what to do with myself. He was the only human I needed and it’s as though my soul has been ripped from me. X

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I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my partner of 12 years last year. He’s older than your boyfriend but he was 34.I understand your feelings of pain and sudden shock. Just be so kind to yourself. Take everything second by second, I found taking each minute as it came was the only way I could make it through some days. I’m a bit younger (30) so If you ever want to reach out to me to just have someone else who gets it as support I’m always here. I know grief can be so overwhelming and how unfair life can be. Thinking of you <3

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Hi Joker, I really feel sorry for you and understand how painful it really is :cry:. I hope we get consolations when remembering all the beautiful memories with our beloved partner.

Hi Tash… thank you for your kind words. I am trying to get through life a day at a time… sometimes wondering what my life’s purpose really is. Working at my job sometimes distracts me from the sadness and helps me discover my identity again in spite of sudden attacks of loneliness.

12 years was really long and losing him must hurt like hell… My heart goes out to you. I hope you got to create wonderful memories during your time together and also for the rest of your life as you stay loving him :slight_smile: take care

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