Losing Dad Mum and little brother ☹️

Well I never thought I’d be typing my feelings out on my phone !
I lost my Dad 3.5 yrs ago, he was 89 and it was his time + !
Mum seemed to cope well as she’d dealt with his growing dementia for a good 5 years so I guess for us all it was a relief that his and our suffering was at an end.
Mum at 85 was deteriorating ( chair and house bound) so I had a feeling that this year would be her last, at the end of January my younger brother (53) had a massive heart attack and was dead before he hit the floor ( I should explain my blood family all live (d) in East Sussex/Kent and I’m up here in Newcastle) This came as a total shock as you can imagine, In my mind I had expected mum to pass, and that David and I would take care of everything together and share our grief at the loss of mum.
Well not the case, so after he died Off I went down to Rye to break the news to Mum :frowning:
Needless to say the news was not well recieved.after a week I came home, at the end of February We returned for my brothers funeral. I didn’t tell Mum , On our return from the funeral mum wasn’t herself , though she didn’t know why we were there It appeared she’d had a stroke that afternoon. She was clearly un well And was put to bed.
We returned to Newcastle a few days later,
En route the doctor called to say things were bad. I returned ASAP .It appeared that mum was leaving us and so I started to prepare etc, after a week she rallied and I returned to Newcastle . Two weeks later we went into lockdown.
Mum (And Dad) has been cared for by a wonderful team of Carers . Mum seemed to be stable though bed bound we had a couple of face time calls. Jane, the Director of the care company had become a friend and trusted member of our family over the years, called me to say that she was going to stay at mums as she(mum) was Poorly,
I awoke the following morning at 4am and couldn’t get back to sleep, Jane rang me at 7 in floods of tears to tell me that mum had Just passed away.
I didn’t (because of lockdown) get to hold mums hand as she passed, which I promised her I would, she went alone to her funeral.
I feel so angry , so fucking useless that I let her down after all she did for me.
Ther doesn’t seem an end to this, and then of course my little brother who in my mind was supposed to be here for my partner and son when it was my time .
I just can’t make sense of it all ???
Thanks for reading xx

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Dear Richard
I am so sorry …sometimes words are just not enough. Please know that you will be in my thoughts at this time. There are,sadly, many posts on here now from those who have lost loved ones to the virus so keep reading and posting…take care x

Dear Richard,
I can’t even begin to imagine what losing both your brother and your Mum feels like. However, I do understand and share your anger and pain for not being there with your mum. My dad passed away in June, In Rome (Italy) and there were no flights I could take to go see him, nor the hospital would let me.
Not being there for them…I keep going back to it, and it hurts, and the guilt is overwhelming, even when the situation was dictated by Covid and not my choices.
I hope you have support where you are, I’m new on the forum as well, but there is lot of support here and understanding like no others can.
Let us know how you are.

Thankyou, for your kind words, sharing helps to lessen the burden of guilt, for us both I hope. Circumstances prevented us from doing what we thought was right, I’m sure that your Dad and my Mum understood that we would have been with them if we could.
My Mum always said ‘you can’t change what’s happened , you’ve just got to get on with it ‘.

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So very sorry - i lost my Dad 16 years ago then my big sister (51) 4 years ago to cancer and then my mum in June - and we got kicked out the hospital so I couldn’t hold her hand because of restrictions. I totally understand your feelings but I’m sure our lovely mums wouldn’t want us to torture ourselves. I can hear my mum saying don’t worry. I feel bloody angry too. Take care - I’ll bet your mum felt your love even though you weren’t holding her hand XX

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Thankyou for your reply and kind words,
I is a comfort to k ow I’m not alone and the way I feel is not ‘wrong’.
Time will heal.xxR

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Dear Richard,
My heart goes out to you at this time you have certainly had it much harder than most, even on here. To lose so many people so close together is so very hard. And the COVID and distance has just made it that much harder for you. Sadly it is quite common for elderly family to die quite quickly after the sudden death of a child or a partner. (Look at Debbie Reynolds and Carrie Fisher as a famous example). Of course that doesn’t help you any. The fact is you are essentially grieving for three people at once, your brother because you were close and want him with you and now you feel so lost and alone. And on top of this you are putting a terrible burden of guilt on yourself for not being able to be there for your mum because of the COVID. Sadly this feeling of guilt is very natural, I myself have felt it and having read the post of many people on here, lots of us feel guilty, simply because we feel so helpless and wanted to be the one that was there for our relation. Even if we are there at one point we can feel guilty about something else. The thing is that even though you weren’t there in person you were there in spirit. You also knew that your mother was not alone when she died she was being cared for by a lovely and trustworthy person who it is obvious - from your post - cared deeply for your mother. Know that some people do not get that. I don’t even know if my mum did, I have had so many stories but I found out recently that no-one was there despite my family who lived with her being there and my aunt flouting covid rules and driving up from England (we live in Scotland) all of them told me they were there at the end. But my cousins wife just told me that my nephew let it slip that they weren’t really sure when she died so I don’t know where they all were. I would gladly have been by my mums side in her last moments but I wasn’t allowed either.
So you see you have nothing to feel guilty about your mum knows that you loved her and wanted to be there and be comforted that she did have someone, someone you trusted who truely cared and that makes a huge difference. Also sadly you don’t have your brother to be there for you when the time comes but you do have a son and hopefully you will be there to watch him grow into a wonderful young man and he will be the one who will be there for both you and your partner. I don’t know if your brother had a family but if he did they will be looking to you to someday help them and support them by sharing your memories of your brother and helping him stay alive in their eyes. You can do this you are stronger than you know. This has been a terrible and especially difficult blow but you can get through this but do so slowly and do get some counselling to help you through. Cruz or Sue Ryder can help with this I myself am on a waiting list. Let yourself grieve. Feeling helpless, guilty and angry as well as many other emotions is perfectly natural. It will come in waves of course and sometimes when you least expect it. Times when you wish you could phone your brother just to talk and share your day.
Take care of yourself.

I can’t thank you enough for your support and kind words. My heart goes out to you also,I hope you too can take comfort yourself from the words you wrote to me .
Thanks R x

Dear Richard
I am glad a little of it helped a little. I myself have found much comfort from the support of so many people on here. Even so at times things still haunt me but as I said to someone else on here. When that happens you have to take a lesson ( i think it was from pavlov or jung, I forget school was long ago.) from psychology and push aside the memory or thing that is haunting you and force yourself to remember a good memory about your mum and brother and times you shared and over time and eventually your brain will do that work for you replacing the bad memory or thing that hurts you with the good (yeah it was pavlov, it was from his experiments with dogs) . It does work though. Its basically something you sometimes have to do to survive when things are so very raw. Over time as things are less raw you can look at these thoughts again and I am sure you will see them very differently. Take care and do keep posting and getting involved in this site. It does help. Exercise also helps with the negative emotional energy that you are experiencing such as guilt helplessness and anger. It doesn’t matter which type of exercise you do you will find one that helps you. I and quite a few others prefer walking outside as we find nature consoling. However I have heard that boxing or running can help. Some prefer yoga pilates more meditative exercise. Perhaps this might help you.
Another thing you can do which again is a popular thing on here is to make memory boxes or memory books, or the more modern equivalent to do this online. Keep memories alive of your dad, mum and brother to pass onto your son. Changing something negative into a positive and marking the anniversaries of the people who are gone into a special way of remembering makes milestones easier to bear. You will find the way that is right for you.
Take care