Hi Laura,
I resonate deeply with your words. My Dad passed away just before Christmas. He was a highly intelligent, practical person. He was diagnosed with terminal illness and 4 months later he was practically bed ridden. 2-3 months later he was in a care home. The physical deterioration was horrid and shocking but the mental deterioration was much worse for me to witness…he went from wise-cracking jokes and being able to fix anything to barely saying a word and unable to lift a mobile phone. I haven’t cried much either and I also think I could write a book on the inadequacies of the care system (Social care in particular). I am sorry for what you have had to go through…but I am sure your Dad would be exceedingly proud of everything you did for him and the way you strive to continue forward each day
Hi again Laura 12
There are some services where you can call them when you are feeling down and just need to talk. There might be some information on this site🤷♀️ I know we are all different and handle this journey differently, but for me it’s defo good to talk Look after yourself.
Xx
Hi @Eponine. It is incredibly painful watching the person you love lose who they are. I’m not sure exactly what caused it with my Dad, probably a mixture of things, but in Dec 2023 a few days before Christmas he was taken into hospital and I was informed he had sepsis and a high liklehood he would not make it through the night. The antibiotics kept him alive but he was never the same after and gradually worsened over the next 2 months until he passed mid Feb. Looking back I wish they had let him go because those last 2 months were truely awful for him. I would sit by his bed and hold his hand and he would talk about things that never happened and all sorts of strange stuff, and then say something to me and I’d realise he didnt know I was his daughter. It was like there was a deeper sense of knowing me, but not fully understanding. It was probably a mixture of the cancer taking over, the sepsis and the strong drugs but it was heartbreaking. My Dad was there physically but he was already lost to me and he couldn’t understand things I’d say to him, or be able to have any meaningful conversation. The last week or so he wasnt really able to talk, and was slowly slipping away. It is not right people have to suffer like this, its absolutely horrendous, and it could so easily be much gentler for everyone. I feel angry about it, I want to scream at people about it. How dare they let my Dad suffer like it. We should all have a right to choose our end. The last time my Dad rang my mobile was Dec 19, he had his mobile phone next to him up until a week before he passed, but he didnt call, wasnt able to. I still have his numbers on my phone and just can’t face deleting them. All these feelings and so much more are inside and I feel like society wants you to be an iceberg, keep everything under the surface and continue on, do your job, be the spouse, sibling, friend etc etc and not show the gut wrenching painful mess you actually are inside. So I shut down, robot mode initiated and no one give me any grief or they will likely get a very unexpected response. About a week before the election a very prominent conservative MP was out canvassing the neighbourhood with cronies and camera crew, knocking on doors and probably best for me and lucky for him he didnt knock on my door, but someone two doors away. I think the iceberg may have cracked and JRM would have had an unpleasant experience, and I may have ended up on the news, so best for all. Sorry for rambling on, and I hope you are ok, or as best you can be. 
xxx
Hi Laura,
No, I understand. It’s important to ramble or rant a bit about these things. I confess it’s why I joined this forum…I don’t mind talking with my friends or husband at all, but I don’t want to burden them with my anger, frustration and sorrow. Plus I quite like the anonymity on here if that makes sense. It is sometimes easier to share hidden behind a mask.