Losing Dad

My Dad passed in February following having cancer, developing sepsis and slowly deteriorating over 2 month’s, during that time he often didnt know who I was, was seeing things that weren’t there and was very confused. He was so thin by the end and nothing like the Dad I knew. Its the most painful thing I’ve been through. Now i just feel lost, nothing matters much anymore, everything seems petty in comparison. I dont want to see people or talk to anyone. I work from home and that is difficult. I feel numb and just get by each day. I have no energy or motivation to change, Ive held anyone who might be there at arms length. Nothing will bring my Dad back and thats all I want, and thats not going to happen. My world has changed and so have I. It doesnt make any difference to know he would not want this for me. Sorry to be so negative. Thanks for reading.

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I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad, @LAURA12. It sounds like it was so traumatic for you.

You might want to chat to @xender and @Jopeace who have posted recently about losing their dads, too. You are not alone.

If you’re interested in counselling, we offer free sessions at Sue Ryder. You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.

Keep reaching out,
Seaneen

Hi Laura, I’ve recently been through a similar experience myself. My Dad was diagnosed with cancer in 2020 then developed liver and kidney failure in July 2023 which led to him becoming a shell of his former self, sleeping all the time and losing alot of weight. He passed away in December 2023 due to sepsis. I have also struggled with the same feelings as you - wanting to be on my own and having no energy or motivation. Its a hard thing to break out of but little by little you will get back to feeling ok again. The things that i have found helpful is chatting to people on here - people that understand what you are going through, having counselling and cognitive behavioural therapy to learn coping mechanisms, doing things I enjoy and if they involve exercise too that helps to lift your mood and reading self help books - i would recommend “you are not alone by Cariad Lloyd”.
It will get easier. Sending you love and hugs.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

My dad died 10 days ago, he found out he had cancer and 3 weeks later he is gone. I don’t know how to function. My mum passed when I was 9 and I’m only 32 now, I don’t know anyone else going through this.

I hope you find your way through - it’s overwhelming. But I’m trying to focus on living, because that’s what he wanted. The grief will always be there but I can only hope to grow around it. Hope you can find a way to do the same xx

Stay strong. My dad died of cancer last year. So kinda understand. Sucks though. Chin up :slightly_smiling_face:

Thank you to those who replied. There are so many people on here grieving I feel bad being another looking for support when I myself have nothing to give, an empty tank. I look like me, some people think i am still me, those I pretend to still be me to, I can do that for very short spells. As soon as they are gone im back to the shell of my previous self. I know that probably sounds a bit dramatic, but its how I feel, empty and dont care about anything. I try to sleep but its very patchy, I eat when hunger insists, I wash when I have to, I work to the minimum, I contact nobody and dont care if they contact me, in fact just leave me be. I cant even begin to try and do anything that could possibly help me, I dont have the energy. Everything is too much, pointless, meaningless, and empty without my Dad. I just cant comprehend hes really gone, hes always been here and I can’t cope not seeing and hearing him anymore. 5 months on and I’m still broken. I feel dead inside a breathing body. Like my basic brain is carrying on keeping me alive, doing the basics, but my higher brain is just shut down totally. So I suppose I just exist like this until the other parts of me shut down, pretty pointless really. Then I see people who have it so much worse, whether that be from war, famine, disfigurement, disability etc and I feel ashamed of myself.

Hello Yellow3. Thank you so much for your reply and apologies for the delay in replying. It sounds like a very similar experience with your Dad and I know how hard that must of been. I felt so helpless and dealing with all the services was just a nightmare, mainly because they couldnt provide the support he needed. I thought when someone was terminal you would get exceptional service but it was shocking. Its bad enough watching the person you adore slowly die without a battle with every agency to get some help. I feel like I could write a book about the inadequacies of the care system. I still feel very angry about it and don’t know what to do with that. I did report things but it just gets brushed away. I hope you are doing ok, its not so long ago for you either. I am going to be getting some counselling soon so hope that will help to get out everything Im feeling. Thanks again :pray: :blush:

Hi Laura

I’m so sorry for the loss of your Dad and the traumatic events leading up to it. And you are not being negative at all you are sharing with us on here your truth. Sadly a truth too many of us on here know all too well. We can’t tell you how to think or how to feel but we can tell you we hear you
Have you tried the Counselling SR offer? It might help you talk about your feelings. I did and for me it was amazingly helpful. Also maybe if you have the energy try and find some coping mechanisms to help you through. And of course you have changed, as you say your world has changed! I find it amazing that people, even those very close to us are amazed when this happens and I think it happens a lot. Thats why we all need to find ways to cope with this new “normal” cause it’s here to stay but as this forum will testify too people DO manage to negotiate this nightmare journey and actually come out of it stronger. So there is hope for us all I think but I appreciate for you right now it doesn’t seem like that. I lost my Mum 40 weeks ago after a long illness of Alzheimer’s and then Lung Cancer and as heartbreaking as it was to see her deteriorating well it seemed like daily, I wouldn’t have missed it for a minute. I missed my father’s illness and his death due to living abroad and felt lucky that I wasn’t going to miss my Mums.
I still feel like you do a lot of the time but I’m making progress some days, some days still a crumpled mess. But it’s all part of this crappy on going journey we are on.
Go easy on yourself and try and get some help if you can.
Luv and hugs to you. Xx

Hello @LAURA12 yes I agree, it is a constant battle to try and get your loved one the care they need and deserve and even then it is still substandard, it is very sad. An advance care plan was never discussed with Me and my Dad, but ultimately, I knew he was dying, and I think he did too. All his friends who visited him also could tell that he was dying, but still they sent him to a rehabilitation home for up to 6 weeks, and on week 4 of being there, he passed away. I’ve been on the waiting list for more intensive NHS talking therapy ( I had some therapy earlier this year but she referred me for more intensive therapy) and have finally had my first assessment appointment and they have said that I have got complicated grief. I thought what I was experiencing was normal grief that everyone goes through (instrusive, traumatic thoughts, anxiety, trouble sleeping, nightmares and difficulty with day to day living). Hopefully now that they have identified that I will get some therapy that actually helps. I wonder if you might be experiencing the same thing too. I hope you get some counselling soon.

Hi

As far as I’m aware complicated grief is one that lasts longer than a year or like mine is getting worse. My Mum has been dead 40 weeks and all those feelings you outlined as what you, and I think are normal are getting more intense rather than going away.
A friend of mine (63) who lost her husband and her mum in the last week of November has got herself a boyfriend!!!
She met him… at a New Years Eve party. They are off to Florida in February….she’s paying for it as he is skint. Worrying, but I guess we all grieve differently!
Take care y’all xx