My Dad passed in February following having cancer, developing sepsis and slowly deteriorating over 2 month’s, during that time he often didnt know who I was, was seeing things that weren’t there and was very confused. He was so thin by the end and nothing like the Dad I knew. Its the most painful thing I’ve been through. Now i just feel lost, nothing matters much anymore, everything seems petty in comparison. I dont want to see people or talk to anyone. I work from home and that is difficult. I feel numb and just get by each day. I have no energy or motivation to change, Ive held anyone who might be there at arms length. Nothing will bring my Dad back and thats all I want, and thats not going to happen. My world has changed and so have I. It doesnt make any difference to know he would not want this for me. Sorry to be so negative. Thanks for reading.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad, @LAURA12. It sounds like it was so traumatic for you.
You might want to chat to @xender and @Jopeace who have posted recently about losing their dads, too. You are not alone.
If you’re interested in counselling, we offer free sessions at Sue Ryder. You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.
Keep reaching out,
Seaneen
Hi Laura, I’ve recently been through a similar experience myself. My Dad was diagnosed with cancer in 2020 then developed liver and kidney failure in July 2023 which led to him becoming a shell of his former self, sleeping all the time and losing alot of weight. He passed away in December 2023 due to sepsis. I have also struggled with the same feelings as you - wanting to be on my own and having no energy or motivation. Its a hard thing to break out of but little by little you will get back to feeling ok again. The things that i have found helpful is chatting to people on here - people that understand what you are going through, having counselling and cognitive behavioural therapy to learn coping mechanisms, doing things I enjoy and if they involve exercise too that helps to lift your mood and reading self help books - i would recommend “you are not alone by Cariad Lloyd”.
It will get easier. Sending you love and hugs.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
My dad died 10 days ago, he found out he had cancer and 3 weeks later he is gone. I don’t know how to function. My mum passed when I was 9 and I’m only 32 now, I don’t know anyone else going through this.
I hope you find your way through - it’s overwhelming. But I’m trying to focus on living, because that’s what he wanted. The grief will always be there but I can only hope to grow around it. Hope you can find a way to do the same xx
Stay strong. My dad died of cancer last year. So kinda understand. Sucks though. Chin up 
Thank you to those who replied. There are so many people on here grieving I feel bad being another looking for support when I myself have nothing to give, an empty tank. I look like me, some people think i am still me, those I pretend to still be me to, I can do that for very short spells. As soon as they are gone im back to the shell of my previous self. I know that probably sounds a bit dramatic, but its how I feel, empty and dont care about anything. I try to sleep but its very patchy, I eat when hunger insists, I wash when I have to, I work to the minimum, I contact nobody and dont care if they contact me, in fact just leave me be. I cant even begin to try and do anything that could possibly help me, I dont have the energy. Everything is too much, pointless, meaningless, and empty without my Dad. I just cant comprehend hes really gone, hes always been here and I can’t cope not seeing and hearing him anymore. 5 months on and I’m still broken. I feel dead inside a breathing body. Like my basic brain is carrying on keeping me alive, doing the basics, but my higher brain is just shut down totally. So I suppose I just exist like this until the other parts of me shut down, pretty pointless really. Then I see people who have it so much worse, whether that be from war, famine, disfigurement, disability etc and I feel ashamed of myself.
Hello Yellow3. Thank you so much for your reply and apologies for the delay in replying. It sounds like a very similar experience with your Dad and I know how hard that must of been. I felt so helpless and dealing with all the services was just a nightmare, mainly because they couldnt provide the support he needed. I thought when someone was terminal you would get exceptional service but it was shocking. Its bad enough watching the person you adore slowly die without a battle with every agency to get some help. I feel like I could write a book about the inadequacies of the care system. I still feel very angry about it and don’t know what to do with that. I did report things but it just gets brushed away. I hope you are doing ok, its not so long ago for you either. I am going to be getting some counselling soon so hope that will help to get out everything Im feeling. Thanks again 
Hi Laura
I’m so sorry for the loss of your Dad and the traumatic events leading up to it. And you are not being negative at all you are sharing with us on here your truth. Sadly a truth too many of us on here know all too well. We can’t tell you how to think or how to feel but we can tell you we hear you
Have you tried the Counselling SR offer? It might help you talk about your feelings. I did and for me it was amazingly helpful. Also maybe if you have the energy try and find some coping mechanisms to help you through. And of course you have changed, as you say your world has changed! I find it amazing that people, even those very close to us are amazed when this happens and I think it happens a lot. Thats why we all need to find ways to cope with this new “normal” cause it’s here to stay but as this forum will testify too people DO manage to negotiate this nightmare journey and actually come out of it stronger. So there is hope for us all I think but I appreciate for you right now it doesn’t seem like that. I lost my Mum 40 weeks ago after a long illness of Alzheimer’s and then Lung Cancer and as heartbreaking as it was to see her deteriorating well it seemed like daily, I wouldn’t have missed it for a minute. I missed my father’s illness and his death due to living abroad and felt lucky that I wasn’t going to miss my Mums.
I still feel like you do a lot of the time but I’m making progress some days, some days still a crumpled mess. But it’s all part of this crappy on going journey we are on.
Go easy on yourself and try and get some help if you can.
Luv and hugs to you. Xx
Hello @LAURA12 yes I agree, it is a constant battle to try and get your loved one the care they need and deserve and even then it is still substandard, it is very sad. An advance care plan was never discussed with Me and my Dad, but ultimately, I knew he was dying, and I think he did too. All his friends who visited him also could tell that he was dying, but still they sent him to a rehabilitation home for up to 6 weeks, and on week 4 of being there, he passed away. I’ve been on the waiting list for more intensive NHS talking therapy ( I had some therapy earlier this year but she referred me for more intensive therapy) and have finally had my first assessment appointment and they have said that I have got complicated grief. I thought what I was experiencing was normal grief that everyone goes through (instrusive, traumatic thoughts, anxiety, trouble sleeping, nightmares and difficulty with day to day living). Hopefully now that they have identified that I will get some therapy that actually helps. I wonder if you might be experiencing the same thing too. I hope you get some counselling soon.
Hi
As far as I’m aware complicated grief is one that lasts longer than a year or like mine is getting worse. My Mum has been dead 40 weeks and all those feelings you outlined as what you, and I think are normal are getting more intense rather than going away.
A friend of mine (63) who lost her husband and her mum in the last week of November has got herself a boyfriend!!!
She met him… at a New Years Eve party. They are off to Florida in February….she’s paying for it as he is skint. Worrying, but I guess we all grieve differently!
Take care y’all xx
Yes alot of the things i have looked at says complicated grief is when it continues a year or more after the person has passed, but some things says when it continues 6 months after. Recently its been 5 years since my mum passed, 6 months since my Dad passed, Fathers day, my Dads birthday and my lifelong neighbour passed away last month too. I just feel like ive gone back to what I felt like when my Dad first passed away.
Hopefully your friend isnt being taken advantage of, and yes we all grieve differently.
Take care xx
Hi
Perhaps what you are going through is more like unresolved grief. Obviously your Dads death triggered all the emotions around your Mums death angain and then his death, the anniversary of his birthday, FathersDay and the neighbours death has caused them all to come to the surface again? Understandable if you haven’t resolved your grief for your Mum fully , It happened with me. I thought I had resolved my issues , but when my mum died, 17 years later it reactivated stuff all over again
Hope you get some help with this.
Sadly, I do think my friend is being taken advantage of. The new boyfriend is already showing subtle, right now, ways of controlling her. She is oblivious.
You take care xx
Wow. I could have wrote this about my dad. Such a sad ending for my dad. I too watched him seeing things that weren’t there, losing weight, just not who my dad was. And pushing people away - I have no interest in anyone anymore. I too know my dad would hate to see me like this, but I can’t be myself and I don’t know how to be myself. It will be a year for me next month and that’s such a hard thing to write. A year without him. I feel everyone expects me to be over it so I stay away from everyone. I wish I had the answers for you. But I don’t. But I do understand what you are experiencing. I thought I was the only one who felt like this.
Hi Laura
I am so sorry for what you (and all of us) are going through. I lost my Dad on 30tj June. I know it’s early days but I can’t get the images out of my head. I feel like I’ve constantly got a sob or a scream stuck in my throat but I can’t cry. I just feel broken but numb. My sister is constantly crying but I just can’t. Maybe it’s because I think that if I do, I’ll never stop. I did big ugly howling and sobbing when he was taken away by the undertaker but since then nothing.
I feel so angry about the way he died. It was his wish 18 months ago to have no more tests, hospitals or scans but he almost certainly had cancer. He went from a podgy man with big cheeks and a round belly to skin and bone and a sunken face. He wanted to die at home and was under North London Hospice. In my head, I had a picture of them being there in his final days to support me and more importantly give him the pain relief when he needed it but no. We had to wait for district nurses. At one point , he was weakly crying for help and we had to wait two hours for a morphine injection.
This makes me so angry. No one told me that him being at home would cause him to suffer more. He didn’t deserve that slow, painful death.
I now have to care for my Mum with Alzheimer’s so it doesn’t stop. The stress, worry and pain continues and I have no space to grieve.
Thanks to anyone for reading x
Hi
I’m so sorry for your loss of your Dad and the bad experiences you had during his final journey. I know he got his wish for no more tests and you managed to keep him at home which, no doubt was a great comfort to him. But I also hear your frustration and anger and regret that the care you thought would be provided for him was sadly lacking. That unfortunately is an all too familiar story. I fought for literally months for care for my Mum as I lived 500 miles away so she desperately needed it. I was almost demented by the end. It shouldn’t have to be like this. And then you have to have a funeral for them and are expected by society, to “snap back” into being normal. Well that’s just wrong by me!
And now you have another battle ahead trying to get what’s best for your Mum when you haven’t been able to even grieve for your Dad. So hard and bloody tiring for you. I would advise Sue Ryder counselling as it is professional and supportive and may help you. Are there any other support groups in your area as I find being amongst others who “get me” because of our shared heartbreak and loss are a comfort and give me strength.
Look after yourself and keep on to Social Services to get the help your Mum and you deserves. There are Carers groups out there who may help you.luv and hugs . Xx
Hi
I’m so sorry for the loss of your Dad and the painful feelings you are experiencing now. Believe me you are not the only one that feels like this. Thats why this forum is soo helpful. It makes you realise that we are all members of this crappy club that none of us wanted to join. You truly are not alone. Reach out whenever you.have you had any counselling to talk about losing your Dad and how you are feeling? I would highly recommend Sue Ryder counselling. It’s professional, warm and for me was extremely helpful.
“The living wish the dead peace, and the dead wish the living that too
The living wish the dead life and the dead wish the living too”
Donna Ashworth.
You are different now, of course you are, you don’t undergo the death of your Dad untouched. Hopefully, one day, with help, you too will begin to enjoy life again. Baby steps
Take care of yourself
Xx
Thankyou so much for your lovely reply. I desperately want counselling. Unfortunately, Sue Ryder only offer it outside a certain time of death. I think either 6 months or a year. It’s only been 4 weeks. I will make some calls tomorrow x
Thanks for your kind and empathetic words x
I can’t get anything from Sue Ryder as it’s too early but I’ll make some calls to local organisations tomorrow.
Knowing that I’m not alone helps
Hi @Tomatoe. Thanks for your message. It is very hard to get your head around never seeing your loved person again. My Dad was a very practical hands on person, and everywhere I look I see something he did for me. I have a tree in my garden we planted together. It was just a few branches and now its a lovely tree that I sit under to shade from the sun. I remember choosing it at a garden centre with him, planting it and staking it so it would be straight. I was sat in the garden earlier looking at it and just felt an overwhelming feeling of wanting to see him. If i shut my eyes I can imagine him and hear his voice, but I’m not sure if thats helpful. I was so lucky to have such a good Dad, but it makes the loss harder. My best wishes to everyone on here that are going through this heartache 
xxx
Hi @Missingdad. One of the most difficult things when my Dad was dying was the lack of control. My Dad was in a nursing home due to many factors and I struggled with not being there all the time to see what medication he received. He was on a driver and medication is highly monitored, and at the discretion of the medical staff. Its hard to get the balance right of keeping someone out of pain but able to be aware of people and their sense of self. I don’t think whether at home, in a hospice or similar you can feel completely comfortable about medication, there dont seem to be any really good solutions and thats a lot to do with funding. I know its easier said than done but we do all we can in times that we have probably no experience of, so we must not feel blame or bad for things out of our control. I have in the past cared for people with Alzheimers and it is extremely hard, so my thoughts go out to you and hope you get the support you need. 
xxx