Hi Pat glad it made you smile beep beeps stops me from being rude lol. Not sleeping well for obvious reasons. Fell asleep today woke up to the dog licking my nose and my hair was sticking up, she obviously thought I needed grooming yuk. Little devil has very quickly gained my love, I do believe that we saved each other, we both have gained so much, walking is good for you I live in a village I know all the dogs names but not the owners lol, take care x
I have the same thinking as you. I realised early on that this grief is mine and although some of my family have been supportive they do have their own life and I do not want to impose on them and I am grateful when they come to see me. I try to be good company as I feel if I am miserable they won’t want to visit. Other family and friends have not been supportive in fact I get more kindness from people that I meet regularly when out walking and allotment members. I do not want to be a burden or needy so I decided early on in my grief that I had no right to make demands on anyone. I am basically on my own even when in a crowd and decided that I wanted to become used to my own company and when I learnt to like myself again I would be better company. At the moment I don’t feel at all confident when with groups of people anymore. The loneliness comes from within, I have to get through that.
How I have come to dislike it when people say “You know where we are if you want us” They might as well add “But don’t make it too often”. I would never bother anyone.
.
The forum has also been mostly where I have run to when feeling lost and alone.
Pat
Hi
I think the loneliness we are experiencing is probably one of the hardest things to understand , my loneliness isn’t for other people it’s for him, I miss him. Like you I am spending time alone because I realised I don’t know me or this version of me at the moment, after so long with hubby, as a mother nailed it as a wife nailed it as a lone woman (all my female friends are married) who am I, I have no idea but what is stepping forward is a strong woman and I realise that I like me!
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Yes, with time, patience and some hard work we will come out of this nightmare stronger. I am still trying to find ‘me’ as I’m not that fond of the present me. I don’t recognise myself sometimes. My children have grown up and gone (and to be honest useless to me). My husband who I devoted my life to has also gone
so who or what is going to appear next. I await the new me with interest.
Pat xxx
it was 15 months ago yesterday since Alan’s funeral , I haven’t seen or heard from one member of his family since, barring one cousin who phoned me 11 months ago for some family information and greeted me with “are you feeling better now? are you over it?” I’m not ill, and ‘over’ what!
my family are no better, hear from my mum of course and one sister, one brother has called me a couple of times and invited me to visit, otherwise not a dickiebird. friends? that’s a laugh, those I’d supported in the past are now far too busy to even pick up the phone so now I don’t bother contacting them. I do have a couple of very good friends and I respect they have their own lives too. yet they always have time to meet for a coffee or some lunch from time to time. I’ve made some new friends, sadly done of these turned out to be wrong choices, and I parted company. you live and learn.
so now, I stay home practically every evening then again when Alan was here that was what we did, we would go out together. during the day I have my 16 month old pug, Ada to keep me company along with our daughter’s 3 year old pug Winston who i.look after whist she’s at work.
I try to stop feeling sorry for myself but sometimes the loneliness and feeling of abandonment overtakes everything. but I.am trying to build a different life now Alan is not here with me any more.
I understand how you all are feeling, and as I’ve been saying a lot lately - we are treated as lepers or aliens, yet we are not aliens it is the world that has become alien towards us.
hope today is an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow is an improvement on today
blessings
Jen ☆
I fear I’m already losing a few, but I have so few - Mum and I both becoming isolated, mistrusting people and it ending up more and more our interacting more with one another than anyone else.
Now she has died, and I’ve never known such absence…!
6 months on I have accepted some people have fallen to the wayside but I have discovered to reach out too, difficult to start but I promised my hubby i would. I think once everything is settled I will try and push myself to join a group etc but decided not to join a widow/widowers group as I just want to feel like me, does that make sense?
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It certainly does make sense. I too am reluctant to be labelled I have held off from wanting to join groups except for one I was invited to join at the local hospice but think my time with that is coming to an end. Something has to interest me and so far nothing has taken my interest. I keep busy and don’t have that much spare time so want to get it right. Don’t think that joining groups for the sake of it is going to help me personally though. I’m not really a group person, however if something comes along I will give it a go.
hi Patti
When I say a group I mean (like you) it has to be a hobby that I like, I don’t mean a group to meet someone but to meet people in my area that I can say catch a movie with or just pass time with. I have many projects going on with work and the house (we had a flood) that is taking up my spare time. Probably going to be a long journey to a group moment but keeping an open mind but will be watching out for lunatics haven’t had the best luck recently!
Hi, I was asked once why I had no hobbies. I did have but it was more a way of life that came to an end. I now enjoy my walking and lucky enough to live in a lovely area for just that. I used to cycle most days but gave that up when Brian became weaker last year. We sold our bikes (then he went and bought an electric one and off he went again, without me). I go to the gym but that’s not a very social thing.
However my main interest all my life was horses. They was my life and took up all my time, I competed, judged, instructed and when that part of my life had to come to an end some years ago (at the time my daughter and I owned nine competitive horses), I was a lost soul. I had nothing else in my life, hence my love of walking materialised. But I had ‘thrown all my eggs into one basket’ so to speak and had nothing else to fall back on, even all my friends were ‘horsey’ and dwindled. Fortunately I then also developed a love of gardening and now have a large allotment. So that’s it. What groups do I join that will interest me. I am a member of the Ramblers. So I keep occupied and busy. Walking, Allotments, Garden, Gym and when I have to, shopping. yuk. Can’t imagine me at a charity shop, so I await my fate with interest.
Pat xx
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I know exactly how you feel. People are ‘there for you’ but leave it to you to get in touch with them. Most of my friends are married so just getting in touch for a cheer up chat feels intrusive. When my friend/cousin lost her husband I rang or text her regularly. I didn’t care if I would get a squeak at the end of the phone because she was too upset to talk or a lengthy text pouring out her feelings. Months later she told me how my calls were so appreciated yet it’s my turn now and after the initial flurry of calls, nothing. I think people are embarrassed or feel awkward if you break down and I have had people avoid me probably in case I got upset. I know everyone grieves differently and others think how it will impact on them but people, ‘it’s not about you’.
Hi 7months on and I can say honestly I knew I would lose some but I would honestly say I have lost 80% of so called ‘friends ‘ and I am sorry if I upset anyone but it is a load of bull about feeling awkward, aquintences feeling awkward granted but true friends would be there for you, I would be and have been. You feel at your lowest when this happens and let’s be honest people suicidal (some not all) the loneliness and lost feeling engulfs you and brings you down that is when true friends would reach out a hand and pull you in not leave you to tread water, I may sound angry I am not I am merely disappointed with the situation and it’s no use asking months later oh I’ve been meaning to get in touch or we worse still I will call you, when you accidentally run into them in the supermarket. Or the friend who invited me to dinner to then ask tell me all the gory details! My true friends have been outstanding to dodgy cooking to snorting on them to them understanding my hiccups rants and wails, to them I say a big thank you and I hope I never have to do the same for you but if I do then I will will love and open arms. X
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Same here! Feeling abandoned by family/friends increases our isolation. ‘Friends’ I have known for many years have not contacted me since John died, yet an old school friend I rarely saw has been on the phone each week, genuinely concerned. Even someone recaning a chair for me offered me a cup of tea and a chat while he was working and invited me to call in again. I’d never met him before. In a way it’s helpful to know we all get the same reaction, however unbelievable it is, and I do believe people feel awkward if we express emotion, but what should they expect? Another expression, ‘I’ve been thinking of you’!!! (but doing nothing!)
Thank you for your posts. It helps to know we’re not alone in this.
Maybe we expect too much, my hubby always used to say to me sweetheart not everyone thinks like you, sadly he was right, I was brought up in an era where we knew our neighbours friends talked to each other supported each other, maybe I have a rose coloured view of friendship…I hope not!
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We used to visit a village in Greece, went there for years and got to know Greek residents. One family lost the father and although we didn’t get there in time for the funeral we did arrive just afterwards. Over the next three weeks that we visited I noticed that the wife was never left alone by neighbours. As one/two left her others would arrive. Nothing much was said they just sat with her and held her hand.
Now I’m not one for having a fuss made of me but would have liked to think that some friends might have been in touch, just a telephone call would have sufficed.
I try to be good company and everyone I have managed to meet up with seem to like having my company but then they just dwindle even if I’ve made an effort to get in touch with them. Now what do I do. Do I start calling them or give them a miss.
I’m fed up of being told that people don’t know what to say to us. Why am I the one having to make the moves. One friend I rang after six months said.
“I’m so pleased you now feel like making contact with people”. We met up, had a nice meeting and since, nothing again, is it up to me to keep making contact… I’ve no intention of seeming needy.
Pat xx
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I know I’m coming to this very late (I was googling about losing friends after a bereavement) but I just wanted to say this is exactly me! You’ve hit the nail on the head. Friends aren’t really there for you “any time”. And my husband’s friends and wives who I did socialise with sometimes as a couple have been silent ever since the funeral in Dec 2020 (apart from one or two). Hope you’re doing OK. I’ve now joined the forum so will dip in here and there!
Rach x
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Yes it’s very strange and I think they don’t know what to say to you. It’s there loss really and you can make new ones. Don’t bother about them as it’s there loss. I Havnt lost friends but there not as frequently available as they were and we used to have set days 4 of us wdnt out. You just make new ones as they don’t know what to say to you xx
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Oh gosh yes! I’ve had this. Bereavement soon sorts out real friends and ‘fair weather’ ones. I couldn’t
believe some women thought I might take
their husbands. As if! I find it insulting actually.
For years I couldn’t even think of another man.
In fact I find the best company on earth is other
Widows. We can truly comfort each other.
Don’t you worry, this behaviour is common enough.
It is they who are at fault. Sadly, they will find out
what it all feels like one day.
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Yes indeed. Here you are among friends.
I lost my mum 7 weeks ago. We were close. Me, mum and my sister. Her absence is the loudest sound I’ve ever heard. Didn’t realise how much I relied on her or how much we used to talk. People know this. My husband left 2 years ago so I’m here on my own with my 2 girls. I always make sure I’m there for other people because I want to help them in their hours of need. For some of my friends I’ve almost had to put my own life on hold to help them through things. So now I’m going through this… where have all my friends gone??? Not a peep. I feel so isolated and alone (even with my 2 girls, bad I know) and I genuinely thought I’d of had a bit more support off my friends. But instead I feel even more abandoned than I already felt with losing my beautiful mum. Sorry. I’m angry… I feel like everyone’s closed the door in my face and thinks if they ignore me I’ll go away. I suppose I will do. I just hope they don’t need me again. Sorry. It has really upset me a lot. I don’t like being alone at the moment at all. But I am so I have to just carry on but feel even more sad and disappointed with people than ever before. My mum used to say to me too that not everyone is like me.
Nic xx
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