This may sound strange but has anyone lost ‘friends’ after the loss of a partner? Since my husband died a group of married friends (20years standing) have not been in touch, I finally asked one why , she replied that now I was single it was awkward. Bloody awkward honestly, anyone else experienced this?
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I always say that you know who your true frinds are when you are griving. I have lost a few friends in te same way as you, but gained so may undertsnding ones. It’s their loss, not mine. I am not sure why being ‘single’ now makes any difference!! Single, married or whatever you need someone to be concerned.
I had a friend of long standing whose mother worked with my wife. She came to the funeral, not having seen her for months, and was full of suggestions about helping. I have heard nothing since and that was 10 months ago!
People who did not know me or were not previous friends have been kinder than the so called long standing friends. A cousin sent cards and was on the phone the, silence.
Not to worry. Friends like that are best left alone. It used to annoy me but now I couldn’t care less. I have plenty of peoplwe to talk to who are now real friends.
Take care.
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Sorry about the spelling. It jumped to publish again.
Hi Jonathan
I know , almost like being single is catching, stupid people, I’m not bothered as you said my true friends have stepped forward. Some people have nasty minds and that says more about them then it does about me. Since my husband died I have experienced every human emotion and reaction from people, the greed and unkindness of some has surprised me but by the same token the acts of kindness of strangers has amazed me. Take care
Hello Silverlady, I am new to this. I am suffering from the same experience. Friends we have known for years no longer keep in touch. It’s very hurtful and disappointing.
Friends and aqantences don’t see the grieving and readjusting going on when I’m alone.
Gradually I’m making new friends who don’t judge me for being single.
Hi Verity
I am sorry for your loss and I fully understand. My hubby used to call it my show face, when I’m alone and the silence is so loud that’s when I need people. Some people treat a bereavement like you have had a cold…so glad your feeling better now, what they don’t see is that every aspect of your life has changed, even when people make the effort to keep things 'normal ’ it is different. Like you most of our friends are couples it’s good that you’re getting out there, and if like me it is strange because your not part of a couple then they are judging you on you that in it’s self us daunting! Good luck x
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Hi Silverlady
I am upset by how some friends have acted since my Ed passed away. They were so good at the time helping me with practical stuff. And of course the promises of always being there for me. Which they are but only if I make the first move or contact them. This is not always possible when I’m feeling sad or low as motivation is zero. Saying to me “keep in touch” or “ give me a call” is not helpful always. Am I being selfish or self pitying wanting them to text or call me and ask me to come out? It just feels so much nicer to have someone arranging a social outing. Like Ed would do for me. Maybe I’m expecting too much. This week has been a struggle and now it’s the weekend wobbles lol and I’m feeling lonely and depressed at how much my life has changed and I see no future. It’s so unfair. Sorry for moans ! Thanks for listening .
Hi Lizzed your thoughts n feelings are a mirror image of my own! It’s a bank holiday weekend and I’m alone, as you say if I call people would come but I don’t want to impose on them, it’s a catch 22 isn’t it. I’m still dealing with things trying to sort out his things etc and working on his to do list which for the record is so bloody long because he was a lazy bugger ! There is a future for you, you just haven’t or can’t take the first step yet but you will, I have finally accepted (only this week) that life has changed everything around me on the surface is the same but so different underneath (hope that makes sense) until recently I pretended that he was working away without a phone signal but then I had to face it he isn’t and he won’t be coming back. As for these so called friends that have not been in touch I am sure that I will run into them at some point will I make it easy for them will I hell as like but in saying that if this happened to them I would be one if the first to step forward as this kind of loneliness is a killer. Most of the time I’m not lonely but I’m lonely for him. Here if you need. X
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Hi there, had to reply to this one. Friends. Family as well. Most of them useless at a time when you most need them. To be fair some have been wonderful and the others will know this when they read my will.!!!
Brian’s two daughters were invited to come to see me when they eventually decided to call (three days after his death) and although I offered them the chance to be involved they didn’t bother so I did the lot myself. They have never been in touch since although I have written (nice, friendly) letters and phone calls that have never been replied to. No, not a word. Non of his other family either have been in touch although I wrote to some of them letters saying how much I would enjoy hearing from them. Never a cross word and always great friends with all of them for thirty years now not a word!!! I am told that people don’t know what to say to you, well, hard luck, it’s me grieving. The funeral was by invitation only and a good turn out but not one of those ‘friends’ have been in touch since. Wish I hadn’t bothered with the funeral as it was and just had a simple one for me and Brian only. This was what he wanted. I thought he deserved more and his daughters a proper funeral to grieve for their dad. You live and learn.
I hope that we are all learning a lesson from our terrible grief and be able to put out a hand to help others when were ready, then at least our loss won’t have been wasted. It’s a hard lesson but we know what it’s like. We can help others.
I’m not particularly lonely either, there’s only one person I want with me. I have my lovely dogs anyway and they are more than enough, at least their love is genuine.
Take care all of you.
Pat xxx
Silverlady thanks for helping me feel justified in my feelings towards friends who are distant. I often think wait till it’s their turn and see how they cope but that’s just anger at what life has done to me and would never wish this terrible sadness on anyone. Wouldn’t it be lovely if we all lived near one another so we could just meet up and cry and moan then laugh together sharing the same feelings lol !! But talking on here feels like we are close. Keep talking please.
Liz xx
Dear Pat
You have done what you can for everyone and now you have to think of yourself and your four legged companions .I look after my sons dog and he is so sensitive to my emotions. When I cry he immediately comes up on my lap and cuddles in. Animals are more sensitive to our feelings than most humans. I also had a problem with Ed’s son but I am happy that everything I have done is what Ed would have wanted so that’s all that matters. I’m sure you have done the same. All in the name of love.
Liz x
Hi Patti
I understand your frustration, family can be just as bad at my hubbys wake I was asked for a meeting to discuss his company shares, asked if I was going to be a Merry Widow and to top it all , one b***h said oh I don’t care what they say I believe you married him for love! We were married for 24years! My husbands family didn’t see him once in the 7weeks he was in hospital and husbands brother preferred playing golf when I told him he was dying and had 24hours left. Family or friends my advice would be let the anger go it is only destructive to yourself and believe in karma! X
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Hi Liz
It would be nice, it’s nice talking to people that understand without struggling to find the words for the helplessness that comes from no where or when stupid little things make you weep. Sometimes tears roll down my face without me knowing. After the adrenaline of preparing for the funeral and people around you to suddenly be plonked back into a reality that has changed for you, others can sympathise but it’s not them that us left in the empty bed craving a familiar touch or sound, my god what I wouldn’t give to gave the snoring and farty (sorry) noises back lol. I am trying to find my new reality now and it’s hard isn’t it, I hate shopping for one, what the hell is that about everything is geared for two!
Btw I agree I got a little dog two months ago she’s my world and is very attentive and distracting
Hi Your so right about letting the anger go. At first I was so disappointed with Brian’s daughters and kept apologising to him. I felt I had failed and let him down. The situation was on my mind all the time Then I had a dream and in it Brian appeared and told me not to bother with his daughters he would sort them out and from then on I realised I had done my best and it was their problem now not mine. I sent a final letter telling them that my door would be open to them if ever they changed their minds but to be honest I don’t really want to be bothered with them again. Brian tried to contact them a number of times in the months before he died but they never returned his calls and he wouldn’t let me send for them either (they both live locally). He told me he wanted them to come to see him because they wanted to not because they had been summoned. I told them this in a letter and asked them where they had been when their father needed his family, He was a good, kind man, that would never have made any demands on anyone. I have no anger now, that has all gone. Blow the lot of them. I have now written them out of the will !!!
What insensitive people at your husbands wake, it’s unbelievable.
Yes Karma, that’s what we have to learn.
Pat xx
Hi Liz, When people that you think will be supportive let you down, it can be so hurtful and I was wondering all the time what I had done so wrong, the guilt was terrible. I’m over all that now. I know by cutting them out of the will I am not doing what Brian would have wanted but they have repeatedly ignored my attempts to make contact so I now feel justified in my actions. They made it clear they wanted no contact. I had no intention of being needy but just an occasional phone call would have been nice.
Dogs are wonderful companions and anyone feeling lonely should think about getting one. There are plenty in the rescue centres wanting loving homes. My dogs have given me a reason for living, taking me out for long walks and keeping me occupied and loved. Having to walk them keeps you in contact with the outside world and people and the exercise is good for you. So a win, win, situation. Plus never a lonely house. The greeting I get is wonderful.
Pat
Hi Pat
Friends are bad enough but family hey ho. There’s a line in a song which says ‘don’t put your blame on me’ I often think of that with regards to my own family.like you my actions were true and my conscience is clear, I often think if they can say the same. I do believe in what goes around comes around. Your Brian sounds very much like my hubby a good man who never got the thank you they deserved but they got the wives they deserved lol no bigs heads here lol.
You have done what you can a fly on the wall when they read your will will be interesting! As I said karma lol take care x
My dog is a miniture schnauser a rescue dog they breed from her at 9months beep beeps! Lovely little companion and was a a turning point in my healing. Hubby is not constantly on my mind when she is around, she comes to work with me sleeps under my desk I like to think we resecued each other. Nite x
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Hello Everyone-I have expressed this before, but it bears repeating. Well meaning friends/family will say “Call me any time, if you need anything at all.” However would we “really” ring one of these people in the wee hours of the morning, when we are feeling scared and hopeless and unable to sleep? Weekends are the same. Folks have plans with their families and other friends to spend time with. Would we want to intrude on their day off by spilling our pain onto them? Grief does not follow a clock or calendar. It hits at any hour and on any day with no breaks for holidays, weekends, special events, or even sleep. Although I appreciate any support I can get when it is convenient for others to offer it, I came to understand that I am basically on my own and must learn to cope with my grief when I need the support the most (on those “off hours”) The one exception is this forum. Many a long lonely night I’ve come here, and no matter what the hour, I received a comforting reply . This forum is open 24/7 and has provided a lifeline for so many of us., when there was no where to turn.
People (even family) have their own lives and some believe we should be “over it” by now. I can sense the impatience in people, on the rare instances when I mention my loss , even after only a year
So thank you all for really meaning it, when you say “I am here for you any time,” because I know you will. Take care everyone, and yes I will be here for you too, any time. Xxx Sister2
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How I agree about the dogs healing us. I have heard of this often, they can literally pull people from the brink, they have a unique understanding and very special. Both my dogs are rescue, one from a dog pound and the other I fostered but ended up keeping him. Walking them is part of my social life as I meet up and walk with so many different people. They make me laugh at their antics and yes we have saved each other, I like that thought. Your dog has fallen on her feet now. You made me smile when you put Beep, Beeps as this is my dogs name. It’s mine and Brian’s initials and we had to give her a name quick as we brought her home from the Dog Pound. So that was it Beepa, know as Beep, Beep, most of the time.
OH well out to the rec for their evening walk. Out for four hours this morning so it’s a quickie now.
Love Pat xxx