I have been told by many people that addiction is a choice only themself can stop, nothing we can do, we as a mother stay strong for children xx
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@Faye761201 my sons fiancé showed me a video of a lady who lost her husband to alcohol and it talked about how the mothers reaction paves the way for the future behaviours of the children and how important it is to set these standards in our children. Really struck a chord. I understand that only he could of chosen to save himself but I just wish we could have been enough to save him somehow. So very hard to deal with all these emotions on top of the grief. But yes we are mothers first and always and have to remember that we need to show that strength even if we feel like crumbling inside. Sending you some compassion and strength and I’m always near my phone if you want to message me or post on this thread
I get email updates
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Thank you for message and strength, wondering if any group chat we can join to comfort each other? Xx
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Would you mind share with me the link of video that your son’s fiancé shared with you ? Xx
I will try and find it for you xx
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Thank you, that would be very helpful x
Hi, I too have just joined this site and never done anything like this before. However I feel compelled to respond as almost everything you have said sounds familiar to my own experiences. I lost my beautiful beloved partner suddenly of 10 years just 11 weeks ago she too was a functioning alcohol dependent who never drank in front of me. Over the years she tried everything to stop drinking including rehabilitation sometimes lasting months at a time. This year I had to call the emergency services numerous times for her not because of over indulgence of alcohol but lack of it. Because of circumstances sometimes I had to go to my own home alone so the fear I might not come back was so intense she went into “cold turkey”/ withdrawal. She loved me so much and of course the feeling were mutual. Now I cry all the time even though I tried to help as best I could. I still have so much remorse and regrets that I could have done better and no one will change my mind on that. The fact I wasn’t there whenever she suddenly passed away and in her final hour of need was a real killer punch and will haunt me forever. I have been getting professional grieving counselling on this issue however nothing will ever take away the pain and heartache of losing my beloved partner, soulmate, confidant, ally my lover among many other things. Every day is the same I go say my prayers every morning come home to and empty house void of everything and cry. I just wish I could get some kind of inspiration or spiritual message to say she is ok and in heaven. 
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First of all I am very sorry that you have been through this and that you and your children have suffered this loss.
I cannot explain in words how it feels to finally find the voice of someone who has been through what I have, it has been really hard to find support or even just find anyone who understands what I have experienced as being bereaved in this way is so complex.
I lived with my husbands addiction for nearly our whole relationship, we were together for 12 years but with hindsight and since finding his diary entries from rehab post-death I now realise his relationship with alcohol was already a troublesome one before we met. I lost him in September this year (nearly 7 weeks ago) after being separated for 11 months in order to maintain the boundaries I had to put in place to protect myself and my daughter from his toxic behaviour when drunk. He died in hospital from liver and kidney failure and I have never felt so much pain or as broken hearted as I do now. I too feel those regrets and guilt knowing that the man I loved was trapped in his own addiction. It feels like such a waste and understanding how the future looks is impossible to me right now. My heart breaks each time I look at our daughter and see the sadness in her face, she misses him so much. What is hardest is the double loss we have suffered as we lost our husband / father to alcohol long ago but were just trudging on through, numb - like robots, always holding on to the hope that one day he would hit that rock bottom and make a change and that we would one day all be a happy family again. Now this actual physical loss and the trauma of being in the hospital watching him fade away is just too much to bear.
I wonder how you are getting on with more time between your loss. Have you found any useful support out there? I hope that you and your family are beginning to rebuild your lives. Take care of yourself.
Lisa.
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Thank you for sharing, I have also struggled with not being with my partner at the time of death, it is a very difficult thing to come to terms with. I hope that your counselling begins to help. Take care of yourself and remember the Cs of addiction…although they are aimed at children and young people I’ve found it really useful to apply to myself as an adult Understanding the Seven Cs - NACoA
Kindest regards.
Lisa.
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Thank you for sharing Faye, I just lost my husband he was 43 and we have one daughter and I have three older children he took on as his own. How are you getting on? Have you found any useful support out there for people in our situation.
Lisa.
Also sending you love and strength. I wonder about how you are now?
Hi I’m going through the same profound emotional turmoil myself ‘ my wife passed away Christmas Eve last year she was 53’ just under 7 years ago she was admitted to hospital with chronic anemia and had to have a couple of blood transfusions, prior to this she knew her general health was changing (plus being at menopausal age) she’d been having joint pain in her knees and swelling in her legs ankles and feet and was also having a lot of numbness and nerve damage and uncomfortableness in her hands (she described it as like constant pins and needles feeling or just coming out of a pins and needles feeling), as you know with these kind of stories their deep and complex but generally she lost a lot of self confidence and withdrew herself in the years that followed and started drinking heavier and heavier to cope with this, over this long period anxiety and spats of depression we’re starting to dominate her and she was up and down with this but just about functioning, it was a slow drip effect, I pleaded with her every day to try and reduce her intake ( and what’s impossible to take is that I am the one supplying it for her and I can’t get my head around that) she said she’d do it in her own time, we have a 33 year old disabled daughter that she cared for all her life, she did not deserve any of this and it’s tearing me to shreds because I couldn’t help her, it’s literally uncontrollable grief, I was trying to balance work commitments plus helping her with our daughter and I knew all of this was so wrong but just carried on in the hope that things would change, we had just had our first granddaughter as well (from our youngest daughter) I can’t even look at her without thinking of my sweet wife, I don’t actually think I can go on because she was such a good soul and caring person, I don’t know what way to turn and how to cope, like many have said I don’t actually think no one can do anything to help me, I know this has followed up your post from a few months ago but I can see those of us on this journey will reach out in any way we can, this is all uncharted waters for me probably like many of us but this feeling of worthlessness emptiness guiltiness unworthy to be actually on this planet is literally killing me sorry I know I’m going on but God I just want some answers…thank you for reading and listening 
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I’ve not been on here for a while.
It’s heartbreaking reading everyone’s story. But we all have felt the same helplessness about our partners situations. We are not alone.
It is the 3 year anniversary of my fiancé’s death today. It does get easier or maybe you just get used to the loss. It isn’t as raw and traumatic. I did get triggered this week as my dad died and talking to police took me right back to A’s death.
I didn’t think I’d ever start to feel completely the same again but with counselling, God’s help, and acceptance that I did my best with what I knew. I also chose to let go of the ‘what ifs’
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Oooh “Chose” it is so hard to know what we can decide and if we dare. I know what I was gifted and how I can try to work it out and it may be unconventional in the end but it is ours. I like that: choices.
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