Hi everyone, I have been living in the UK for almost a decade now and the last time I went home (Asia) was in 2020 before the pandemic. I didn’t plan on going home anytime soon because I’d been trying to save for our wedding.
I lost my grandma, who I hadn’t seen since then, on Easter Sunday (in April) this year and I went home only for 5 days to attend her funeral. I thought I can always save money again, to recuperate from the cost of the flights. I saw my dad twice then.
Less than 2 months later, I lost my dad in June and went home again to attend his funeral, and I stayed there for about 10 days.
I have been feeling guilt over not going home sooner, of not actually being there before they passed. Sometimes it feels like being there just for the funeral was not enough to show them I love them. I still touched my savings anyway, so I should’ve just gone to visit them while they were still well.
Another thing I have been finding difficult being overseas is being away from my immediate family. I have my partner and my friends here in the UK, but I think being with family would’ve put me in a better situation.
Sometimes I feel alone in my grief. I can’t even physically visit their graves anytime I feel like I need to because I’m so far away.
Guilt is a symptom of grief, it tries to drag you down into the pit of despair, don’t let it, you are not a fortune teller, you could not have known what would happen, you are looking at these things in hindsight, it’s a trick of grief, push it from your mind.
Thank you. It’s difficult because I know thinking this way is not healthy for me but these thoughts still creep in. It’s hard to push them out of my mind.
I am in a similar situation, my story is even worse, so I perfectly understand how you are feeling. I lost my mom whom I have not seen from years because I came oversea for study. So many reasons that prevented me from going to visit along the years so I was eagerly waiting to finish and go back with my family (I also had another baby during my studies). Once I finished and planning to go back to see her, she died. The guilt and shame have been enormous but I am currently speaking to a therapist who has made me realize that we cannot not just foresee what will happen in the future, by so doing, we continue to get busy with life, hoping to catch-up with our loved ones sooner or later. The later may never come but it’s never our faults… I am still in the process of healing and I know you will find your healing too. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Our family knows that we love them, either we are living far from them or close to them. They also want us to be successful, so being oversea is something they would understand too. I wish you all the best in your journey and I am always here to support if you need me.
So sorry to hear of your losses You are not alone trying to bridge the gap between continents My situation is the reverse my husband went back to see his family in Africa While he was there his daughter s husband died, he stayed on longer to attend the funeral give support Unfortunately his medication ran low He became ill and died in an inadequate hospital with poor resources in May We have been together since the 60s I could not attend his funeral in Africa and had no where to focus my grief
Since then I have created a place for our children and me to mourn. I supported my husband s decision to remain abroad but now I wish I d encouraged him to come home
Guilt is a pointless and negative emotion you did your best We can’t change the past forgive yourself I am sure your family know you care Blessings
Thank you so much for your kind words. You’re right and I agree, we cannot foresee what will happen in the future. It’s just difficult to change the thoughts when they start.
Thank you and I’m sorry for your loss too. It is very hard and I can imagine how it was for you. Even after my grandma died, I didn’t decide to go home straight away due to finances. I’m somehow grateful that I received support from my friends and managed to go home. Look after yourselves too.