When I lost my Mum, suddenly, I had to come to terms with the grief and I accepted that I must continue life without her and the void she left will always be present.
I’m aware there are various stages of grief but the stage I feel I’m at I’ve yet to find in any guidance regarding bereavement. This stage is realisation. I don’t mean the realisation of losing someone close but the realities of people who I thought ‘had my back’.
We are aware of the ‘obligatory initial reaction’ some family and friends have when someone dies. I now feel let down by some people. Since my Mum died I feel I’ve become more respectfully open about how I’m feeling generally. This hasn’t been received well by some people who I thought were my friends and who I’ve listened to and tried support in the past when they have faced difficulties. I have also found myself questioning my relationship with certain members of my family.
I have a couple of friends I can speak with but I suppose my mind is still stuck with the ideology that family comes and supports first.
All of this is quite tiring and I sometimes feel I’m going to lose it all. If losing my Mum was the earthquake what is happening now are the tremors/aftershocks.
For me being newly widowed there is so much burden. And the precious relationship, I want to shout Hey all this isn’t about this person and our relationship. It feels awful and distracting. For those of us who must move on, yes it seems to be Big. I did not expect this Ever. I hope you succeed as we all hope to do.
Hello CCAZ, thanks for your response. Sending my condolences. I hope you will navigate through life with success. It is times like these where we find out how strong and resilient we are. Take care.
@GDHynds oh dear this is a hard sad fact as well as the death you’ve had to come to terms with reality of peoples attitudes. It’s certainly a rude awakening to reality. It sounds like you are intuitive and realise what’s best for you in the long run- ie who to stick with and who to avoid I’m sure your instincts are correct. Stick with those who are genuine and care about you. I don’t think it matters whether family or friends you know who’s genuine. I hope you can find the strength to navigate the minefield we all find ourselves in to some degree. I realised some family issues could be explained more easily in David Kessler’s book about the 6th stage of grief ‘finding meaning’ certainly for me he helped me to understand the difference between practical grievers (who may seem as though they don’t care about the deceased, or the emotions of the emotional grievers -like me) maybe you’d get something out of the book too. It’s not the same thing for everyone but I’ve been hurt more since my parents died in these past 12 months than ever in my life, all to do with them passing and family members having a completely different perspective on grief. It’s upset me at least 4 times now in huge ways that cut as deep as the deaths themselves. I hope you find what you need and find the strength to move forward in a healthy way. Sending hugs xx
@MelodyBlue many thanks for your message and for sharing your thoughts and experiences. It is a great help. I’m beginning to realise that family can be a group of people who care for each other, regardless of whether they are ‘blood relations’. Take care.
hiya, i’m not sure when you lost your mother but i ponder this too.
i have found that some friends just dont really get it or think there’s a time limit to grief, and i have distanced myself from this - i think this is ok, and try to look on compassionately when i can, in that they just don’t understand rather than they are malicious.
with family, i had some family members that were the opposite of helpful when my mam was sick, so i have protected myself from them already. i’m cordial but guarded, and don’t invest much energy there.
either way death has made me reconsider all of my relationships - what do i need from them? what can i give with the energy i do have? what do i want my role to be and where do i set my boundaries? i think death changes us and our outlook on life, and that this might be normal… but also exhausting as it raises all of these questions. i am sorry i dont have more advice, but just wanted to share some of what’s happening in my brain too!
Many thanks for your message. I feel as though we have had similar experiences with reevaluating relationships with family and friends.
My Mum died after a very short term illness. It was totally unexpected. Looking back I felt I spent some time in shock while trying to support my Dad with registering my Mum’s death and funeral arrangements. I remember someone saying to me that I looked numb. This would have been a week after my Mum passed away.
My Mum was the ‘glue’ in my small family. She always supported me. That support isn’t there now but I know to honour her memory I need to be determined and accept that these situations can result in reevaluating life choices and in some cases distancing myself from negative people, regardless if they are family.