Hi everyone
Currently in a hospice with my mum who is on end of life care. She hasn’t been “awake” in a few days.
Our relationship has been a hard one. She is an alcoholic and I hadn’t seen her in a few years until a hospital doctor called us last week about how poorly she was.
I keep feeling these awful feelings of guilt.
Has anyone else gone through this?
Thanks
Hello @Subo1,
I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support. In the meantime, I just wanted wanted to share a few resources with you.
You’re not alone. @Margaret123 recently shared her experiences of losing her mother whom she was estranged from. You can read her thread here, if you’d like to connect with her.
Many of our members have sadly lost a loved one with an addiction; if you tap the little magnifying glass, you can search for posts about this or anything else.
NACOA (National Association for Children of Alcoholics) also offer support and advice to both children and adults affected by their parent’s drinking.
And we have a guide on anticipatory grief, which is grieving before the person had died. It may help you to know that whatever you’re feeling is completely valid; there’s no one way to grieve.
Keep reaching out and take good care of yourself,
Seaneen
Thank you for your support 
I am so sorry for the pain that you’re feeling and with the news of your mother’s illness. My mum passed away on 24th November and the first week was really hard non stop crying no sleep not eating and feeling really alone with no closure . You see my mum had NPD and all my life I have suffered the effects of this toxic relationship and held it inside it gave me a general anxiety disorder . A year ago I went no contact with sporadic contact up until two months ago when I tried to hold her accountable by phone but it didn’t work and I ended up saying some very nasty things like the love is dead I hope you die and I hate you then she died 2 months later . I’m not going to lie I was numb when I heard the news and the next day I was in floods of tears. I travelled to Ireland as that is where she was from I’m in the uk . After the funeral last week and saying goodbye I could kiss her while she was at rest and talk to her and apologies was nice I felt some closure and this week I’ve been eating and sleeping better and watching tv and you tube etc things I did before . I also left my job 6 weeks ago so at least I haven’t got to go to work but I have no interest in looking for a job at the moment . The guilt regret and not making up with her is killing me even though I couldn’t for my own mental health. I have a good male friend who is very supportive and I speak to him every evening and see him on weekends I’ve known him for 12 years so it’s just a friend he has helped put things into perspective and helped me to realise it want my fault those thoughts are still there but better. The ruminating and anxiety are the worse but I’m using the silver cloud app to help me centre myself for a couple of minutes a day and that helps get me through the day and it’s something I can use as often as I wish. Christmas is here and I am unable to participate and when I see old people out and about I feel angry that it’s not my mum . You see no matter what went on between us she was my mum I loved her and always will . Not feeling loved is a horrible feeling . Since mum passed I can’t sleep unless l leave the light on as my mum was a very angry person and I think she will come back and haunt me I also think I killed her even though I know that’s wrong . She had other kids she gave away and I have a half sister who was adopted who tried to contact her and she refused to see her a year or two ago . I reached out to her for support and got none but I understand she also suffers from mental health disorders including I think npd I get it . I feel angry at her and myself and these feelings I’m working through including the parts of me i lost including the bad child that is inside me I’m doing that by how I got it repetitive words but nice words about myself and the world is safe i am also trying to work on getting rid of the angry mother inside me by the same way . In a way it is a reset of loving myself unconditionally and losing the fear I have inside . Sorry for the long message but I feel we have something in common addiction is very similar and also damages family addicted people seem to only chase their habit and Lois focus on their Family and children I hear you . Nothing I could of done would of changed the situation she would of still passed away as it was her time. Could you go and see her although she can’t communicate you could talk to he as I Believe they can still hear us would that help you through this?. You have a very tough time ahead but you can do it everyday it does get easier and if you could get the strength to do that while she is still here it might give you some closure before she passes . That’s something I didn’t get as my mum was with my stepdad and she just passed suddenly with no warning . Your thoughts will be the worst but get some counselling call cruse bereavement and Samaritans if your suffering when she eventually passes . Cry as much as you want until you cant cry anymore get it all out as I am sure it will help . At the moment you are in shock at your mothers illness and feel alone and hopeless and to blame . It’s not your fault remember that and go through those emotions and get support you will need it. Forgiveness is something I am trying to do for me and my mum as life Is not easy she had her own struggles with addiction and I had my own troubles with not being able to help her . No one is at fault here we are not experts we just do what we think is right for us everyday. Forgiveness releases me from the pain and guilt I feel and helps the thoughts . I hope you will do what’s best for you and you may not feel like I do everybody is different and reacts differently. I hope you can find a way to cope through your mums short time left on earth and you can find peace . Feel free to message me and do not feel alone as you are not as long as you find the strength to keep on reaching out like you have done . Sorry it’s such a long message and the spelling sending hugs Mandy.
Thank you so much
She passed away earlier this morning. My sibling and I along with her sister and nieces and brother have all been with her this last week since her admission to hospital until the end. We have laughed and cried and I believe we all had closure as we had all had not seen mum for many years. She is at peace now. But I feel awful this morning. Im so tired. I will keep re-reading your comment as I think we have had similar experiences. I hope you are getting better too x x
I’m so sorry for the passing of your mother subo1 . 
I’m sitting here crying for you and me I am sure being there with family and saying goodbye has really helped you and given you some closure . Take it easy today as you process the grief your mum is at peace now no more pain . I know you’re hurting and it will be tough in the coming week with your thoughts etc as it has just happened . Try and keep in close contact with family over the next week as you’re going to need it . Is someone in your family organising funeral etc as my stepdad and other members did that as I was in Birmingham uk . You may find your on autopilot for a while intill that’s all sorted where as I went straight into grieving everyone is different . I’m glad you saw your mum held her hand expressed your love for her . Our mums bought us into this world we carry them inside us for the rest of our lives that saying is so true . Reach out if you need to make sense of what you’re feeling as we all grieve differently and here we are all in the same boat thinking of you today and glad you gave your mum a good send off she would be proud sending hug Mandy .
Feeling awful is expected regardless your feelings are valid just know you and the family have done your best you were there till the end . Today will be a rough day and yes lack of sleep will be bad as you have just lost the most important person in your life your beloved mother . try and reach out to family members and cry as much as you want to . I will be thinking about you today and remember you have done your best for your mother and she would be proud of you .