Hi 
I think I just need to get this off my chest. I don’t expect anyone to reply but thank you if you do.
I very suddenly and tragically lost my mum at 10 years old. She was mid-30’s. My dad then brought me up full time (they co-parented before). I spent my childhood/teens/early 20’s THINKING I was dealing with my grief by not crying in front of anyone and telling everyone I’m fine. I thought I was. I thought that by crying in secret that I was dealing with my loss.
Now I’m 30 in a few months and I’m starting to really grieve mum properly. I think about her most days. I think about the happy memories with her. I miss her so much. I reach out to her by calling out her name and I cry sometimes at songs about losing your mum. “Supermarket flowers- Ed Sheeran”.
I recently to see a genuine medium hoping mum and a grandmother would come through but only grandmother did. Which was amazing too. But I wanted to talk to mum also. Maybe I’m desperate.
Now I think about, I’m also pissed that when I had to transfer schools at 10 years old I got 0 support to help me cope with my learning and dealing with a new environment whilst coping with big and CONFUSING feelings. The school system is shocking for grieving children!!! I always felt like the odd one out in my class right up to sixth form. I felt it was so unfair.
My husband and I are looking into adopting a child and it makes me sad preempting that our potential child will never meet their grandmother. We also are aware that with the adoption process we have to re-open our trauma and discuss this in lots of detail and how we dealt with this.
I think this is delayed grief maybe? Maybe it’s because I’m approaching the age that she died that it’s hitting me more? Maybe I’m more mature emotionally and can comprehend her death better and so I can’t start feeling things I didn’t before. I’m not sure. I’m fine emotionally otherwise it’s just this grief and pain of the loss of mum that I can’t stop thinking about. Don’t get me wrong I think about grandparents/other family members too. But there’s something about losing a parent.
Thank you.
