Losing mum unexpectedly

Hi. Just joined. Mum fell ill, after going into hospital to have the batteries replaced in her difibrillator in July 2021, by August she was signed off work but due to go back September 2022.
She was dying the weekend I went away for my Birthday, she text me on the morning of the 30th August 2021 & randomly died the next morning. Five days after seeing her on my birthday
. I’ll feel guilty forever for the fact me and lola walked to the shop but I was making excuses that my mum or brother hadn’t replied to my texts so she must have been asleep and not wanted to be disturbed. She had said a couple of times don’t come round im too tired etc. but I’d usually go. So I don’t understand why I was so selfish that night. Maybe I could have saved her. My brother says she made him
Go out and meet his friends and when he came back around 1 am she was lying in the floor in her own faeces but conscious saying he should just leave her. Nevertheless he bathed her and put her into my old bed in my old bedroom and got in next to her and held her in his arms and when he woke on Monday 31st August she had gone… my heart hurts that I am so selfish for not going.
. I have had dark thoughts at times particularly in the last few months even though it has been a year that I should just take my own life. But I can’t. I have a daughter. So I have Held it together for her and let my brother say he’s feeling suicidal and get the families support. One of the main issues is I spoke to my mum every day Jo matter what time or what the issue. And now I have no one to do that with and very few friends or anyone to burden my worries. I feel bad if I bring it up with my partner. Guilty for feeling sad. I lost my dad at 15 so she has literally been mum and dad for the last 17 years of my life.
We had the cremation and funeral but I can hardly remember it now. I just feel sad but I can’t ever be sad.
. Lately I’ve been off work as I’m a single parent and yes my mum was my most childcare help so tomorrow I have my probation meeting at this new job. Feel so unhappy and uncomfortable thus week Nobody has spoken to me I think I may be getting fired. Already been to another place for an interview and find out Monday. Unsure if I’ll get it either now. Wonder if I do need the doctor’s intervention but can’t afford to live on £96 a week with a mortgage and debt. Life feels very shit , extremely proud of my partner for doing well in his job but don’t think he gets me sometimes or takes me the wrong way. I just want to be loved. . Also got a cough that I’ve had for over three weeks. Can’t go doctors. Mum hated all that. I feel like it’s rubbed off on me now. ? Desperately need a dentist. And constantly feel anxious and alone!
Not done much in last 3 weeks, dozed, watched TV bosses, worried about money, tried to keep in touch with my brother and suggest selling mums house. Maybe selfish again.
Just feel crap. Not sleeping well, having nightmares, keep.forgettijg she’s gone, then remember and it hits me again. Angry at her for dying and I now think being ill and not telling me.
So guilty at not being with her or my brother when she died. Life feels like HELL. Not someone who could kill themself but if I could right now I’d just go to sleep and die. Then I get angry at myself as I know my daughter needs me. Life.


Gosh I don’t know where to start what a awful time your going through but please don’t blame yourself you have nothing to feel guilty about. You loved your mum and did your best for her and she knew that. You should go and see your doctor and see if you can get counselling and help. Please don’t bottle everything up can you talk to your brother ? . We all have regrets and wish we had done things differently but we can’t change the past your mum will be with you in your heart always and wouldn’t ever want you to blame yourself for not being there when she died. X

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