Losing mum

Losing a parent
1

Been living with mum since I returned from overseas in 2018. I’m 56 single but happy with that and was a good arrangement helping her and she cooked until she got sick in Aug. came home from hospital early sept and slowly deteriorated until passing last night. Mostly it’s been me caring for her with a carer once/day for an hour. So frustrating as nothing majorly wrong with her just old age 89 and she wouldn’t eat or drink enough despite constant efforts and tonnes of wasted food and half sipped cups of tea.

I thought I’d be relieved today as had been upset a week ago when she got a lot worse and was told to expect the end soon. But seeing her empty bedroom and finding the body at 3.30am today has really got to me. Should I have stayed up all night when she was clearly struggling but she’d had an injection from the nurses and I just hoped she’d sleep soon so I went to bed at 1.30. So feel sad she was on her own although I was in room next door.

and now what? I’m on my own again and although I like that sometimes , it’s been 7.5 years back with mum and not sure I’ll ever feel comfortable again.

I wish she had been able to talk more in the last few days it was mostly grunts and I didn’t want to say goodbye.

I just feel sick and want her back, even though I know 89 Is not bad. But that’s now potentially 30+ years to go on my own.

2

I think that when we are single and live with pur parents, the focus is on Mum. I am 53, Mum was almost 94 and fairly independent. She had a fall, ended up in hospital, survived surgery and died suddenly on the day that she was due home, from cardiac surgery. I had complete shock and guilt, like you describe. I think my Mum was ready to go. I think that physically the body does not need food and drink and the appetite goes. Perhaps your Mum was ready. You had to sleep, how were you to know - you thought your Mum would be okay. Guilt is a normal part of grieve. Everyone told me it is early days and raw. The same thought also crossed my mind - if I live to the same age as Mum, I have 40 years ahead of me. I found it too painful to think like that - Mum would want me to live a healthy and happy 40 years. So I am trying my best now to live each day like that now, with my Mum walking beside me.

3

Thank you, I hope I will calm down eventually but it’s been 3 months of worry, and I’m exhausted