I’ve read a lot here but never joined as a bit worried doing it do it’s my first time. like many of you here its been a very hard year losing mum, I was by her side in hospital but it was traumatic death. Unable to breathe and it haunts me. I try but it keeps coming back. The vision, sounds, words, her crying to make it stop. It’s too long a story so won’t go through it all and hospital weren’t great I had to shout to get nurses on an open ward and help as there was so few staff, I’m really looking to know how to make this ending stop in my head. We were so close, I came to live with her and care in her last two years after leaving my job in another part of the country and we had such wonderful time in her late 80s. Mum had a great full life and we have such happy memories but I can’t shake this. It’s getting worse again as I come to her first anniversary of her not here in her house. I know I need to return to work even me being older I need a job and pick up after spending the last year slowly clearing all her things. need to start again and move out and pick up, I thought I was strong and I told her as she passed I’ll be strong but I’m just not getting there.
@ChrissieG ChrissieGHi so sorry for the loss of your dear mother and I had a similar experience when my mum passed just last July and due to hospital neglect she quickly deteriorated.Its a horrible situation you were in and I really do both sympathise and empathise with you.
Just like you images of my mumssuffering lives within my mind and just crushes the soul.Your precious mum ment the world to you and it will be traumatic for a while as you have to navigate everyday living whilst carrying all this pain inside you.
One good thing us that you are on the kind of forum when loosing someone we love is the common thread here and you will find a common ground to share experiences at any level.
My heart does go out to you at this sad time for you 
I lost Mum in October. Although she was 94, we lived together and she was due home from hospital on the day I got the unexpected call. I have struggled with reliving that moment. I do think it is shock and a kind of trauma. I am back at work, functioning but still living in a surreal reality. I also viewed for a while and then started posting. I don’t think it is about ‘moving on’ but when things feel right they happen. I put off returning for work until I felt ready. I find not putting myself under any timeframe or pressure helps me. I will go at my own pace. So everything in my Mum’s room is the same. Have you accessed counselling? It sounds like you could work through your readiness with them. I think it is natural to feel like you do as you are coming up to your mum’s anniversary as it is a trigger. I try to mark special events for Mum.
Chrissieg I hear you. My mum was the same when she passed but the hospital where mum was, was very good could not ask for a better team. Plus we had a room with just mum in. But the memory of her passing stays with you always. I won’t sugar coat it. But you do learn to get past that memory with time. Yes it does surface around mums anniversary but you just need to be kind to yourself. Do whatever you need to do to get through the day. One day at a time. Yes it would help to go back to work. And maybe move out of the house. I very rarely go to mums house. As it’s hard I expect her to be there and mum isn’t. But kind to yourself. God bless x
Hi all.
I’m approaching the 4 year anniversary of my mum and then less than a year ago I had to watch my dad die. So kind of in a grief loop. Up until dad, I was coping better with the loss of mum. Not ok with it by any means. But living. At the beginning I too could not get the images and sounds out of my head. Especially at bedtime. But over time, they have become less vivid and happier memories have replaced them. But those memories do come with a sense of longing at times. For what once was. It’s a hard time. Not something you get over. I remember a close friend saying to me when mum died (he too had lost his mum) and he said it’s never ok, but you learn to sit with it. The loss. And I suppose I could say that’s true. I can sit with this feeling. Living with it is sometimes hard. But I can sit with it. I hope things ease a little for you all. It’s a traumatic and horrible time
Nic x