Losing mum

Hi, I have lost my mum suddenly on 10/10 and can’t stop feeling as if I’m to blame and the Drs too as this was mums 3rd Stroke and tests between the first two took so long I feel more could have been done. My dad also has terminal cancer and only has about 3mths left, my brothers may be homeless as mum was tenant in council house. I don’t feel I can work and am signed off sick as I can’t sleep properly remembering what happened. Just feeling a bit hopeless right now so any advice welcome.

I lost my mum on the 10/10 as well but it was to cancer. I am the youngest of 3 and l could not have asked for better parents. My mum was the boss and the talker my dad would just sit quiet and ro someone that never new him would think he is quiet and moody but he is anything but…he let my mum do all the talking. My mum was 76 but when l say that it seems old but l swear, she never looked over 60. She was so healthy and worked 3 to 4 days a week and loved it. She ate healthy her and my dad would walk all the time and she was out more than me with her friends. Either for dinner or to shows. She started off with a cough that never went. So GP sent her for CT Scan and X-ray. She does not smoke nobody in my family do although she said when she was a teenager she smoked as it was all the thing back then but stopped over 55 years ago.
We all went and when l say all l mean my mum and dad and my husband. In 2015 l was diagnosed with Ostioarthritis and had been of my work a lot because of it. Before that l was fine and worked full time aa a bank manager but after that l needed my hip replaced then l had my other hip done. My mum was so worried about me she used to say you are to young to have this. At this point l was 42. I then went on to have a knee replaced and then my ankle fused. So l has to give up my position and work part time 3 days was all l could do but l was off sick for ages when l found out abt mum having cancer. So my husband and l were there at every appointment.
Anyway her CT Scan came back showing a 2 cm mass and 6 cm mass on the 1 lung. So they needed a biopsy. They tried 3 times without sucess as they could not get enough tissue because of it bleeding. See the mass was sitting next to her main artery and broncial branch.
So long story short they could not take the lung out because of where tumour was. They did a PET scan and ir was definaty cancer but they said to us the good news was it was contained in 1 lung. They said we are going for a cure of 4 weeks of chemotherapy & radiotherapy daily. With weekends off. So l was really needing my last knee replaced but put it out of my head to concentrate on mum. After 4 weeks she was tired as to be expected. But things started getting worse she would cry everyday and was convinced she still had it. She changed…a lot, it was if all she could think about was herself she started getting forgetful and confused. She would not leave the house and had no appietite. She kept saying she had lumps in her kneck and shoulder. Back to hospital for another scan to be told she is fine. But this went on and on so, l put an app on with her GP and again me and my husband went as we though she needed something for anxiety or depression as she had changed from my mum into a diffrent person. Before her family were her life now having cancer was her life even though we were told many times she was cured and it was just scar tissue. But the day after we went to her GP she called us and said can you come up right now…panic but up we went. Her GP said you have a big blood clot in your kneck and need to go to hospital right away so they can out a small umberella in to stop it going to her brain or heart. But then she said your lymth nodes are all swollen and her calcium was to high. She was kept in. So l asked a doctor at hospital what was going on. He said the cancer had spread all over and she had a few weeks at most…WHAT!!! It had went metestatic. She was confused and had no clue what was going on. I wanted her into a hospice for her last days as the hospital was awful… i did everything l could to get her moved. It took a day to get paperwork done and she was moved to a pallative care hospice. Thank god l did as it was 2 weeks we had with her. I have never seen a disease take over someone so quick. And the St Andrews hospice did a great job but she waa to far gone. Some days she was ok other days she was sleeping. But it was so quick and not a nice thing to see your mum go in front of you. We got a call to say she was getting worse and time was nearly up. I just wanted this to be a nighrmare and l was going to wake up. We all went down and it was like she had took a stroke. Her eyes were open but there was a film over them. There was no communication at all. We all cried like it was just about to happen. But day 2 and she stiĺl was with us. So we took turns to visit my brother and wife and my sister and dad and me and my husband. My dad would go home during the day for a sleep. We all would be there during the day at diffrent times for hours. 2nd night we stayed to about 10pm and my dad would just sit on a chair and sleep on and off but this night at 10.45pm she choked. 1 lung had collapsed the other was filled with fluid. So she choked to death. My dad said he is glad none of us was there to see her go as they were trying to put tubes down but it was not happening and she passed away.
I have been in shock and greiving since it happened. Also stuck in the house because l can’t walk because of my knee. I wake up in pain then l remember my mums gone and l just think this is the worst time in my life. I feel my hearts been ripped out and my life is so bad l am parcially disabled. My dad has been so sad . It feels like something missing from all our life. I get my knee replaced on Nov 21st and l am terrified.
I just want my mum l cry all the time. I just don’t seem to be getting better. I was going to see a councilor…l just need something to help.
I am so sorry for the huge message but l has to write it all. I blame the hospital and doctors for not following up right and for them telling us she was fine.
I understand what you are going through its so hard. I am having trouble accepting it. I miss her so much.

Hi Lors, I am so sorry to hear about your mum too, it seems that everyone I speak to there is a tragedy in everyones lives. We too all spent day and night at the hospital with mum but I think its because I was the last to see her before she was as ill as she was, that I can’t help feeling guilty, I am blaming everyone at the moment and hope this will pass. I go to see mum today in the chapel today and have written a letter to her last night which I don’t know if it helped but it made me cry a lot which I haven’t done that much yet.
I guess things will take time and however much it hurts I assume no amount of anything can stop it.
You need to have your op though, your mum when well would have wanted you to get as well as you can and I do believe we have a duty now to live our lives as best we can to do our mums proud and show everyone how well we were brought up.
Love to you and take care, hope speaking here helps but if not please see a doctor x

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