My mum died just before Christmas. She was ill for a few weeks with cancer (second diagnosis). I cared for her and was with her when she passed.
I still feel like it’s not real a majority of the time. I stay at home a lot now as I don’t want to talk to people or have to deal with daily life (I.e shopping, etc). I avoid conversations with others and want to be alone all day. When I do talk to others I find myself not listening to them or, getting angry inside as all they do is moan about what I feel is irrelevant stuff so I cut the discussion short and don’t contact them. I’m content in sitting in silence all day on my own with no distractions I.e tv, radio.
I have a very supportive other half who I can speak with. My friends don’t really make contact now and haven’t since my mums passing and family text me but not much. I don’t seem to care though. Before my mum became ill I had a very responsible job and always have. I loved chatting and always had time for others.
Is this normal? I don’t know what to expect as there’s only ever been me and my mum. We were very close.
Thanks
AS
Hi AS
I am so sorry your mum has passed. It is very early days for you. You can be proud of yourself for being there with your mum during her illness and and when your mum passed.
I can really identify with feeling it is not real. It is just over a year for me since I lost my mum and I still often dont feel it is real.
If you want to not speak to anyone for the moment, I think you should go along with that for now but if you could get outside even for a quick walk, this may give you a little focus.
Your friends possibly dont know what to say and while that is no excuse for them not to contact you, it may be that you will need to contact them and set the pace as to whether you want to talk with them about your mum. I think not really caring about whether you speak to them or not at present is totally normal as all your thoughts are taken up by your mum, but you may find one or more of your friends offers you support if you reach out to seek out that support. Getting annoyed by trivial things is totally understandable. I think the sitting in silence is because you are trying to process what has happened. Just focus for now on getting through each day xx
I lost my mum in August last year and feel all the things you mentioned. I’m sure it’s all normal. I feel like everyone expects me to carry on as normal but I’m so tired and get so angry if anyone makes any demands on me. Try to be kind to yourself, get plenty of rest and I just decline any social events which I think will be too tiring/stressful. I think most people understand. It’s so hard though, I really feel for you x
Thank you both @JayDee @Joanne67 for replying and your kind words and advice.
I’m sorry to hear about both of you losing your mum. It’s all so surreal isn’t it and I find it so hard to accept that I will never see or hear my mum again. I think the not feeling of this all being real is my minds way of blocking it out. I caught sight the other night of my mums washing basket with her clothes in as I haven’t touched a lot of things and I just sobbed. The glimpse in my mind that she isn’t coming back and that’s all I have left of her are material things was overwhelming.
I sit in silence most of the time. My mind is completely blank a majority of this time too. It’s like being switched off. Went for a walk yesterday with my dog and other half. I was quite happy walking in silence. Just knowing that my other half was there was enough without conversation. Although I did try to engage I haven’t a clue what was said!
Thank you both again. I hope you are both finding your way through your journey the best you can xx
So so sorry for the loss of your Mum xx
I lost my mum December 18th 2017, so just over a year now and unfortunately I’m still feeling all the things you have wrote. It’s just feelings that are so hard to even type out arnt they? It’s so painful but yet I feel so numb at the same time. My mum was diagnosed with brain cancer, I gave birth a few weeks after to my first baby (her first grandchild) so I cared for her then for 8 weeks all day everyday along with my dad until she passed away. It’s so hard having a new born baby plus the heartbrake of losing my mum who I was so close too,she was definitely my bestest friend I miss her so much! I was 28 when I lost her, although I am married and I’m now a mum I need my mum more than ever. Sorry for offloading I just want you to know I understand how you feel xxx
Hi Collette,
Thank you for taking the time to reply. I’m really sorry for the loss of your mum, I was touched by your reply.
You are right it is hard to put these feelings into words. The sadness mixed with numbness is unexplainable isn’t it. I lay in bed sometimes and feel so heavy in my chest from sadness. The thought of not seeing or hearing my mum again is agonising and I can’t believe it’s happened or, any of this is real.
It must be tough having a baby and feeling like this. Although motherhood might be the thing that pulls you through. Have you tried talking to your mum?
They say time heals, I’m not sure. How does time heal a broken heart? Apparently you learn to manage, I don’t know how.
Xxxxxx
Hi AS, I’ve just seen your post and send my love and prayers to you. I too lost my mum nearly 7 years ago. I still think about her so much and miss her even more. She was the best. I talk to her lots. I’ve asked her to help me lots too. In fact, she’s hardly had a break from me. Bless her.
I would try not to worry about your present behaviour. All who endure grief feel or, have felt the way you do. I think perhaps our bodies behave in the way that’s the best for us at times like these. Do what you have to do right now. Remember you joined this forum. You’re talking to those who feel the same way that you do. Everyone is pretty much at a different stage to each other but we all know the path you walk.
You should look at your decision to join this site as a positive step I would say. Maybe you feel as I do and basically want to surround yourself with those who feel as you do because of their own losses, rather than feel you’re talking to people who just don’t get it. How could they if it’s something they’ve not experienced themselves.
Empty your head and your heart on here whenever you feel the need. All of us will always understand and many will respond to you. I doubt very much that you will ever write anything that hasn’t been written before and who knows, your words may attribute to helping someone else.
Take care AS xx
Thank you @cw13.
I’m sorry you lost your mum xx I’m sure your mum is only to happy to help you in any way she can.
I find it hard to put my thoughts and feelings down on paper. Although I can relate to others and their posts here.
It’s hard talking to others I find as I don’t feel they understand so I don’t speak about the way I feel or my thoughts and make small talk instead. I don’t know if it’s that others don’t know what to say or that they don’t want to get into the conversation. I prefer to be alone rather than trying to make others feel comfortable in conversations or listen to them dramatise something I feel is trivial. I can feel myself in my own head thinking I wish that’s all I had to think about and my mum was still here.
I found myself the other day talking in my head that my mum and I could hear her in my head replying, then I spoke back?! At that point I thought maybe I am losing the plot. Or, maybe my brain is playing tricks on me and I’m answering myself with what I think she would say. Who knows.
What I do know is I miss my mum so much and I wish she was still here xx