Hello… I dont know where to start with this… I lost my mum in August last year. She was a strong, fit and independent woman and we expected her to live until she was 100. She had a fall in February and gradually deteriorated. I am absolutely heartbroken and have no idea how to move forward. I live alone, divorced a few years ago. I looked after mum.
The added problem is that I have an older brother, 12 yrs older, who hates me and does everything he can to bully me and make everything nasty.
We are having to do probate for mum and it’s absolute hell.
I can’t grieve for mum because of all the anger and resentment from him and his wife.
I just dont know what to do anymore without my mum.
Hello @Phoebe8 ,
I can see that you’re new to the community, so I wanted to say that I am so sorry for the loss of your Mum that brings you here.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that may help right now.
- Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
- Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
- Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat
- Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through.
Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
Take care,
Alex
Thank you for being kind Alex.
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You’re not alone. I lost dad and then mum just a few weeks after. I have 2 siblings and they resent me and my close relationship with our parents. Even when they we’re alive, they’d argue and accuse them of favouritism, but the truth is that I spent more time with them, and being the youngest (large age gap) I lived with them alone for several years. They loved us all equally, but we had a different relationship, and I never argued with them. Before they died, they spoke with their solicitor to give me power of attorney and to change their will because they knew we wouldn’t get along as executors. Unfortunately dad deteriorated before they made the change and later after dad died, mum had started to make the changes again but she also then died so I’m stuck with them. They are making me pay for it all, ignoring me when I told them of mum’s wishes. She’s buried in a different outfit than she wanted and they picked music she hadn’t listened to for 30 years. They chose the cheapest venue for the wake that mum hated. In fact, mum made predictions of how they’d behave when planning her funeral and got 10 correct. She procrastinated about writing down her wishes which would have made it easier. They’re so fake to other people, I don’t doubt that they are grieving also in their own way and probably feel guilty of how they treated them, but it grates on my nerves that they’re insisted on being in charge because they’re older and they think they know what she’d want. It was easier for dad’s funeral because mum planned that, along with us, but she got me to do the household admin with her. She was scared of them and didn’t tell them about her application for me being power of attorney.
Anyway, items are missing from the house (clothing but also some jewellery) but I can’t prove they’ve taken them, although I have photos to show someone’s been through furniture looking for stuff. At her funeral it all came to a head and I broke down at the grave side in front of everyone. It’s hard to think how I’m going to get through what’s to come, sorting out possessions and completing the probate forms, which the eldest is insisting on doing. I had hoped that we could overcome our differences from the past decade, but I’ve realised that’s not possible. I’ve lost hope and so I’ve lost more than just my parents. I think that once it’s all done and I can distance myself from them, then I’ll be able to grieve and heal. I’m lost without my parents, I gave them my all. It still doesn’t seem real that I won’t see them again.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am really sorry for your loss.
I was beginning to think I was the only one going through this hell.
My brother has a public image where everyone thinks he is wonderful, top bloke etc. The reality to me is threats of violence. We only communicate through emails now because I don’t feel safe anymore.
Losing my mum has been the hardest thing ever, she protected me from him and his wife. She also knew what would come and wrote us a letter about it to stop him. To no avail, sadly.
He is jealous of me. And I think thats where it all comes from.
It won’t change and its going to be another 18 months of it.
I too, when its all done, want nothing else to do with him or her.
I am distraught to think that to get away from him and be safe again my mum has passed away and all the love in her and her house for me has to go.
It’s just me and the cats and Phoebe my dog.
I want the day to come when anyone asks ‘are you ok’ and I can say Yes I am fine. It feels like I am depressing everyone else, and they think I should be over it by now.
Thank you for sharing and please keep in touch if you can x
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Thanks for your message.
I used to be protected by my parents, and then with old age, my siblings became more manipulative and I protected them. It got so bad last summer that I nearly got social services involved for safeguarding protection of my parents.
When mum died, it was unexpected and at home, the police gave us her wedding ring. I went into panic and hysterically cried to my hubby, then I felt terrified of my siblings and how they’d react and be with me.
I felt furious and sickened that they visited mum, and they covered her face with the veil for the last time and told the funeral directors to close her coffin. They pretend that they weren’t vile towards her in those last few months and I just want to scream at them that they have no right.
I feel for you, being threatened with violence from your brother. If you aren’t already, keep evidence of interactions. I’ve started to write a journal to record events and discussions and I’ve even voice recorded an argument we had. I won’t be on my own with them now. They just gang up on me and think there’s a sibling hierarchy as if we still live in Victorian times.
Are you both will executors or is he taking over as next of kin?
I agree that’s it’s a heartbreaking price we have to bear in order to break free from them. Remember that he can’t takeaway your memories of your mum and he’s lost out on having those for himself. Keep looking after yourself.
You’ll have a rainbow after the storm and your healing will begin. Hang in there and keep in touch.
Today is mum’s birthday.
We have had birthday party’s for her for the past few years, with our family and friends. Mum really enjoyed those times and reminded everyone her birthday was coming up, and how she would live to a hundred for her royal telegram.
Last night I sat alone, thinking of the past years when I would be rushing about getting everything ready and me and mum would sit down together, have a cup of tea and look forward to the coming day to celebrate.
My papa and mum are together for her birthday, for the first time in 21 years. For all my sadness I hope they are having a birthday party in heaven.
I miss them both so very much.
My heart goes out to you. I understand.
It was my mums birthday a week ago, she died exactly 1 mth before her birthday. My hubby and I went to the last show of a panto, because that’s what mum wanted us to do when the grandchildren were young and the family hadn’t split into fueding parts. I sat there and tried to join in, but although I was there in body, my spirit and mind were elsewhere. Needless to say, my siblings didn’t join us and had their own get together.
I’m certain that your mum and dad are together happy and at peace.
You’ll get through today xx
Thank you for your kindness and sending you a hug too for your mum and her birthday.
My brother didn’t have anything to do with mums party’s. He waited until I had left and then turned up for half an hour.
Today I have been to the cemetery and put flowers on mum and dads grave and her birthday card.
Needless to say there is nothing from him.
I won’t dwell on him at all today, he isn’t worth it. He is no relation to me anymore. I won’t let grind me down .
We are both better than them. We do our best for our parent’s in death as we did in life.
Take care and hugs sent to you
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Another day I thought was good. Completely ruined by him again. He does it to provoke me to react.
His hatred of me is apparent and has been for many years. He terrifies me with his behaviour. He is selfish beyond words.
Another sleepless night to come.
It’s impossible to grieve for my mum. I miss her so much.
Sorry to hear that. Feel free to share as I know exactly how you feel.
I discovered at the weekend that one of my sisters has searched mum’s wardrobe and found her jewellery box and replaced it near the front behind the door. Thing is, we all went into her wardrobe together a month ago to select her outfit for the funeral directors, and it wasn’t there at that time. I pointed this out, she said but we were only looking at the top. I said I cannot believe we didn’t see it as its so obvious and it would’ve saved us worrying all this time. She brazenly said are you saying one of us found it and put it back. I knew but given that we have so much more to do, I relinquished. Only 1 necklace is missing, the one that mum had told her was to go to me.
I was so beside myself at the weekend, that for a few moments I felt like I didn’t want to carry on living anymore because I can’t take anymore pain. I’ll never do anything because I have my husband and sons to think about.
I feel sorry that she resents me so much that she’d do something so despicable. But I have my memories of so many good times with mum and dad, she hasn’t and she can’t take them away from me.
Hold on, remember that there eventually will be an end to your dealings with him, and you’ll be free.