Losing my 21 year old daughter

LeeLee, I really know your pain, the anger, being obsessed with thoughts about your girl.
I really relate to what you said - you ask yourself why your little girl had to go through this. It’s a thought I often have about mine and I think it’s the most difficult part.
The questions, the thoughts that drive you crazy. I’ve been there when I lost my girl when she was 22.
None of it is fair and it consumes all your energy.
On top of that, you have your son. The young give us energy.
At first all I could do was tell my kids I love them - I could barely drag myself through the day - somehow we got through the worst of it, a bit at a time. Not that I felt I was giving them much.
Some days I just stayed in bed and even wailed like a banshee (I made sure they were all out of the house for that bit !)
It’s all such a shocking experience, but gradually you adapt.
No one knows what to do or say- I hated meeting people and what looked like pity in their eyes.
I’m sorry to say that in my worst moments, I believed people were relieved that it happened to me and not them, like I’d taken one for the team ; I hated it.
It’s been just 4 years since we lost her
I miss her so much, but it softens. Please, please believe me.
You’re not alone. Many people are going through this tonight and tomorrow and tomorrow night…but the pain of missing your own beautiful girl is unbearable.
You’re a wonderful, loving parent. You are doing exactly what you need to do and you are the most important person in the world at this time. Be kind to yourself xx

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Cherish, if only the pain of bereavement could be shared and made lighter. It seems like too much of a burden for one person and people who haven’t experienced it are the people I envy the most.
I am so sorry to hear you lost your friend. I wish you comfort and strength and peace. X

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I feel the same as you. My daughter passed 28 January 2024 we got her back last week and have arranged her funeral for 15th April.
We still have no idea what happened, as there was no cause of death found in her autopsy so further tests are being carried out on her heart and brain. We’ve been told we may have to wait months for answers and have to be prepared that they won’t find a cause. It’s heartbreaking. I am finding it hard to cope. She wasn’t even that ill, she’d had flu and become dehydrated. I took her to a&e they said she’d be fine. She ended up having a cardiac arrest. None of it makes any sense. It’s been 10 weeks today. I have constant panic attacks and all I can think about is wanting to be with her. She was only 19 and my best friend. I hate life without her and I feel I let her down by taking her to hospital.
How do we do this??

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I take it day by day I look for little things that please me I don’t drink as it makes me tearful
Daft as it sounds I like to sing in the morning when I rise it makes me smile
I search my memories for the good times we had together kelly has gone and I had no control of it other than agreeing to turn of the life support so I don’t blame my self I also dote on my grand kids they make me smile and laugh

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I am sincerely saddened to read your stories. I am learning all the time in this strange place I find myself.
I just want my daughter’s future back. I miss her in every way imaginable

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LeeLee40:

So very sorry hear about the loss of your daughter. After losing my son this past September, all I can offer is we have to dig deep inside to find the strength. There will be some dark days, so when that happens to me, I focus on all the joy my son brought to me and his family. A moment by moment.

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You all sound like incredible parents and I’m grateful to receive your words of wisdom and insight. I arranged my Jade’s funeral today and I found that really tough! I know people are trying to be comforting but people that have never lost a child tell me ‘it will be closure’. How can it be closure? I don’t imagine feeling any different after the funeral than I do now! She’s still gone! She’s not slaming the front door everytime she leaves the house. She’s not leaving me voice notes at 4am asking me to listen to her latest guitar rift or song, she’s not cooking tuna pasta at 2 in the morning using every pan and then leaving them for me to wash up in the morning! She’s not rolling the skinniest cigarettes trying to make the tobacco last a while longer and telling me she doesnt smoke in her room when it actually stinks of fags! There will always be the life we had when Jade was here and then the life we have now. I feel guilty just breathing most days as she doesnt have that privilege! I feel so many emotions all at once! I threw away her old used toiletries and make up the other day and I felt like I was betraying her. The bag went in and out of the bin so many times! I’ve never felt so guilty or cried so much over something so old and wothless! I dont think i’ll ever stop grieving for Jade and all the tomorrow’s that have been stolen from her, :broken_heart:

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I fully get how you feel. We had my sons funeral in December and when I visit his headstone I expect to feel him there but all I get is emptiness and a pit in my stomach seeing his name in gold lettering , I put down flowers and I cry, I cry for the life he was denied , I cry because I’ll never hear his voice call me mum again and I have flashbacks to how he must have felt and how scared he was in the dark alone with his killer . I expected that at 6 months I could handle things better and instead I’m a wreck , so much so I now have health issues I didn’t have before . I too threw away his toothbrush and toiletries that were sent to me in a box after his murder , and I put them In The bin , I too felt he would be mad at me , there was still a charge in his electric toothbrush and that set me off again . Friends say they understand but how can they ? My son went on holiday and never returned . I have to carry on for the others but it’s so damn hard

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I can’t even imagine how angry you must feel. It must be all consuming because it was so senseless. Are you receiving counselling? How are you finding it? I start mine today but I’m not sure if it’s the right time to be digesting Jade’s passing. We dont even have her back from the Coroners office. :broken_heart:

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I understand this too well. How do we do this? Having no answers is breaking my heart. I’ve gone back to work to try keep busy but I constantly break down, I have panic attacks throughout the day and night. I feel like I died with my daughter, and a huge part of me actually wishes that I did.
I can’t bring myself to touch any of her things or go in her bedroom. Her funeral is Monday, it will be 11 weeks since she passed. I don’t know how we are supposed to carry on. I went for count they told me I’m too traumatised at the moment for it to help, but they stay on contact. I’ve been referred for a mental health assessment but I’m beginning to think that I’m beyond help. I just don’t feel I can breath without my daughter.

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I will be thinking of you and your family on Monday and send you all my love and strength. I don’t think we will ever be the same people we were before we lost our children, how can we be when we’ve experienced the worst kind of loss imaginable. :broken_heart:

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I lost my daughter to epilepsy. She was 41 years old and had learning disabilities.
I still miss her every day, but I know she was loved and cared for. I am grateful that she came into my life, because she changed me and made me a better person. All that is something to be thankful for, as I know you will feel the same about your own daughter. They are a gift to us, but we know they were loved and still are, even though they are not with us any more. It will get easier, but some days are harder than others. Somehow we get through it.

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