I lost my 21 year old daughter on the 27th February 2024. I still don’t have her back as the cause of death can’t be ascertained. She has to go under even more molecular level autopsy that includes her brain. The thought of my baby girl going through this makes it feel like I’ve had my heart ripped out! I rapid cycle emotions and my poor son who needs me to do better is having to cope with the loss of his sister and a mum whose falling apart. How have any of you found the strengh to go on. I don’t know if I can do it! 
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Welcome to the forum Lee Lee . I’m sorry you have a reason to be here but hope you find some comfort .
I lost my son in September’23 he was murdered whilst on holiday and he also had to have an intensive autopsy . Because it happened on foreign soil we were not consulted about any of it and getting information was horrendous and we still don’t have the answers we need . The shock is intense and I wondered every day how to actually breath properly let alone put one foot in front of the other , but we do and we do it for the memory of our lost one .
I’ve never felt pain like this , so emotional it’s now causing me physical problems too .
I try every day for those who love me , my daughter needs me as do my grandchild and my partner so I keep going .
He’s still my last thought as I go to sleep and my first as I wake up . At first I couldn’t remember his childhood , guess it was a mental block , it’s filtering back now with beautiful memories. One day at a time sweetheart , it’s such early days for you , everyone on here understands, we’ve all gone through so many emotions.
Sending a gentle hug
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I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved son and in such a senseless way! I feel so angry that my daughter is gone so I can’t even imagine how you must be feeling. Have you had any answers or has the person involved been brought to justice? I just want her back and I know all the praying and wishing and hoping is not gonna make a blind bit of difference. It’s hard to think about tomorrows when I know she won’t be in them…
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The man gave himself up when my sons friends became suspicious, he led them to my sons body and they alerted the police, he’s in custody awaiting sentencing , he is a British man my son hadn’t met him previously I think his friends knew him briefly . I only lost my beautiful mum four months before , again tragically as she fell broke her hip and died four weeks later of pneumonia . It comes in waves now , one minute I’m fine then in seconds I can be in floods of tears . I need my mum and I yearn for my son and the life he has senselessly been denied . Homicide victim support asked if I believe In God but at the moment I can’t because a fair and just god would not have let this happen to me. And I go from hating the man’s family to feeling sorry for them having a callous murderer for a son . Everything seems so senseless and life holds no happiness for me at the moment . I know in time I’ll heal and I know I’m coping better now than I was a few months ago. I just had my first birthday without mum and my boy and I coped so there’s still hope for me. It’s early days for you so please be kind to yourself and take one day at a time - sending hugs xx
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There just aren’t any words that would convey how sorry I am that you lost your son in that way and lost your mum as well a few months before. I just want to lock myself away and every time I wake up I feel guilty because it’s a new day that my daughter isnt a part of. Ive been told that she’s being looked after by God but like you I can’t believe in a God thats taken my child from me. She was a good person. She was kind and tolerant and didn’t have a bad word to say to anyone. She didnt care if you were black, white, straight or non binary she took people as she found them. She had worked so hard on her music and had just been signed. She had her whole life in front of her. It’s so cruel. X
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Lee Lee I lost my daughter to a brain tumour when she was 22. I also have thoughts like you describe. How can this happen to my beautiful, perfect girl? Thoughts that won’t stop, not even for a moment.
Maybe it’s too great a shock and trauma for a mother to make sense of in this world.
I don’t have any answers or advice- I am in exactly the same place as you.
My girl passed away 4 years ago and it’s not always so raw and intense now.
I think of bereavement a sort of illness needing self care, patience and kindness. Especially kindness.
It’s all so horrible.
I can’t even look at reminders of my girl, no photos, no visits to places we used to go.
Maybe one day I will- maybe not.
I would be interested to know how you manage day to day. Some people immerse themselves in work. Some take to their beds. You’re not alone xx
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Lee Lee your daughter sounds like a beautiful, kind and talented sweet girl and your love for her is infinite
It does seem so senseless and cruel and unfair to have lost her It seems especially hard to have to wait for results, the added burden of it.
You want to protect her and not let anyone near her. You want the pain to end. You want this not to be happening at all. It’s like a sting in the tail.
I lost my daughter to a brain tumour when she was 22. I also have thoughts as you describe so well - how can this have happened to my beautiful, perfect girl? Why have our lives have been ruined? Will we ever be happy again?
Thoughts that won’t stop, not even for a moment. Sometimes the thoughts are very dark and they’re the worst.
Maybe it’s too great a shock and trauma for a mother to make sense of in this world.
I don’t have any answers or advice- I am in exactly the same place as you.
My girl passed away 4 years ago. These days it’s not always so raw and intense.
I think of bereavement a sort of illness needing self care, patience and kindness. Especially kindness.
It’s all so horrible.
I can’t even look at reminders of my girl, no photos, no visits to places we used to go.
Maybe one day I will- maybe not.
I would be interested to know how you manage day to day. As you say, it hardly seems worth getting out of bed.
You’re not alone and I’ll think of you. I’m not religious- what sort of God? - but I will think of you so that I am not alone either. X
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Kimbie, I’m so sorry that you also lost your daughter. Life just seems so cruel. It’s only 3 weeks for me so I cry alot, I stay in bed alot, I sit in my daughter’s room and talk to her alot and I curse God alot. I’ve been able to listen to the songs she recorded but some days the reminder of the loss is just too much and I can’t listen. I don’t have her back from the coroners yet and I know I should be making arrangements for her funeral but I just don’t feel strong enough for that. X
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Lee Lee , my son was also a musician and I have his music sent into my drop box , I tried to listen but it was too raw , he played bass in a red hot chilli peppers tribute band and the videos are on YouTube . I can’t watch yet but maybe in time they’ll be a source of comfort .
I miss him so much he was also an amazing artist he had so much still to offer to the world I just can’t get my head round why someone would murder him he was the gentlest of souls . I think my heart will forever be broken
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I’m so sorry your son was taken from you in that way. I keep saying ‘what if I hadnt gone out that day’, ‘what if I’d been home sooner’, ‘what if I didn’t stop at my mums to sort out her door’, ‘what if I’d managed to get her a gp appointment that day instead of being fobbed off to 111’ but it’s torture because I did go out and I was gone longer than I’d thought I’d be and I didn’t manage to get her an apointment with the gp… Do these feelings of failing to protect your child the one time they really needed you ever subside?
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He sounds like he was an amazing, kind and talented boy. I hope in time you’ll be in a place where you can watch his video’s and listen to him perform and be comforted knowing that there is still a little piece of him out in the world.
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You know, you don’t have to put yourself through it if it’s too hard.
Someone else could organise the funeral? I know what you mean about not having the strength.
You don’t have to be the one who makes the arrangements - and surely you don’t even need to attend if it’s too overwhelming for you.
I don’t have any idea how my daughter’s funeral was arranged - I just stayed in bed.
On the day I took prescribed meds, made a wobbly last minute appearance.
But somehow it all happened.
Honestly, for what my opinion is worth, you don’t have to go through all that if you can’t face it - only do what you feel able to do. Xx
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Lee Lee- yes, these feelings do subside.
I’m just under 6 months from my loss and I feel in a far better place than I was . I self blame too even though I know there was nothing I could do , what ifs are prob part of the grieving process . What I did was write a journal and now when I read them back , and yes they make me cry , but they also make me realise how far I have come in that short time . We are going through something no mother should have to go through . I started my journal a week after his death I don’t feel the need to write as often as I did . All my anger , sadness , grief and frustration written down helped me unload it if only a little - just take little steps it’s definitely a marathon not a sprint xx
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I think that’s a really good idea. I think I will start keeping a diary myself. My mind is so muddled atm I don’t think I have one lucid thought so at least if I write it down it might make sense further down the line. 
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I read through some of mine last night and actually thought “ did I really write that ?” They all make perfect sense to me now but didn’t when I wrote them . It’s a bit like putting all your feelings away in a tidy cupboard . I give each one a heading with my thought at that time . I’m only 6 months in on this journey and I still cry almost every day but I also know I’ve come a long way too. I accept this is my new life now but I think I know how to deal with it x
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lee I have just had the same thing thing as you it took 8 weeks to lay her to rest , that was part of the closure for me and my family I loved my self away for a while didnt want to get out of bed but I knew what was coming if I see any one I know they always say sorry for you loss which brings it all back people mean well and im glad im out and about now as it gets told to me less frequently take heart pal your not alone any time you want to chat
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I still don’t have her back and every day I feel the loss even more… I just can’t see a way out of these feelings of anger, sadness and loss of my beautiful girl.
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LeeLee, I really know your pain, the anger, it might be impossible for you to think about anything except your girl for a while.
The questions, the thoughts that drive you crazy. I’ve been there when I lost my girl when she was 22.
None of it is fair and it consumes all your energy.
On top of that, you have your son. The young give us energy.
At first all I could do was tell my kids I love them - I could barely drag myself through the day - somehow we got through the worst of it, a bit at a time. Not that I felt I was giving them much.
Some days I just stayed in bed and even wailed like a banshee (I made sure they were all out of the house for that bit !)
It’s all such a shocking experience, but gradually you adapt.
No one knows what to do or say- I hated meeting people and what looked like pity in their eyes.
I’m sorry to say that in my worst moments, I believed people were relieved that it happened to me and not them, like I’d taken one for the team ; I hated it.
It’s been just 4 years since we lost her
I miss her so much, but it softens. Please, please believe me. You’re not alone. Many people are going through this tonight and tomorrow and tomorrow night…
You’re a wonderful mother. You are doing exactly what you need to do. You are the most important person in the world.
I only wish I could take your pain off you. X
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Just found out a long time friend has passed away , got a feeling like a fire pit in my stomach , death seems to be the worst kind of gift that just keeps giving . There really doesn’t seem much to smile about . Sorry for my negativity. Guess I’m just not as strong as I’d like to be
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