Losing my brother to an overdose

Losing a sibling
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On the 9th December 2021 I lost my older brother when he was only 25. I lost him to a drug overdose. The thing about my brother was that we never once knew he was using. He always seemed to be in a great mood before he died. He was found with high levels of ketamine in his system, cocaine in his room too. When it happened I was only 16, now that I’m 18 I realise how much that altered me when I was still developing into a young adult. I wasn’t quite a child but I also weren’t ready to grow up that fast. I had people die in my life before him, but none that were close to me, let alone someone who helped raise me. He would pick me up from primary school and bring me home, we would bicker as siblings do. As he was nearly 10 years older then me we weren’t overly close but we did get on a lot better when I started college/ was leaving secondary. 5 days after he died we went to see him, but he wasn’t who he was when I seen him for the last time. Because his case was quite a rare one given he died away from home, he hadn’t had time to be embalmed or the legal rights for anyone to embalm him. So what we saw was a real life witness of decomposition. His hands were grey, there were scratch-like red marks up his arms where it looked like part of his body was still alive, but like the way he was just fading away it killed me. And his face, didn’t look like his. It looked bruised. And only being 16 years old I didn’t quite understand how to feel about seeing my brother like this. I’ve now celebrated 2 birthdays since and found that adulthood was hard to start because the thought of him no longer being here still resides with me. And granted that he died not long before Christmas I found it hard to celebrate anything. His anniversaries of his death and his funeral feel like hell, christmas, his birthday, my birthday. It feels empty without him here. Through it all I had to keep going with my college and ended up passing my course and succeeding in what I did, but at the end of the day no matter how many “I’m proud of you”s I get it’s never from the person I want to hear it from. Through all of this happening my nan was my rock, she’s the one who took my hand when I seen him when I sobbed and stepped away from his lifeless body strapped to a hospital bed. A few months later my nan was diagnosed with esophageal cancer and didn’t last till the next Christmas, so it was her we were letting go off too. Although because her death wasn’t unexpected I found it easier to become at peace with it, though I still miss her a lot it doesn’t hurt the way it did with his. I went from holding her hand to holding her coffin with no hand to hold (I was one of her grandkids carrying her coffin and one of the two girls) I had always suspected that I had depression from when I first learnt about it. I had always been quite an outgoing kid but also a very sad kid. This had truly changed my life and I feel guilty to say that it made me a better person and that I’m not glad that it happened but I also wouldn’t be who I was if that hadn’t happened to me. Losing him taught me compassion for the people around me, taught me that I should never end things with someone on an argument because we never know who we can lose, taught me responsibility and told me I needed to grow up. But I was still just a kid and I still don’t know how to regulate my emotions since he’s been gone. I tell anyone who asks that in a way I am a lot better than how I was when it first happened. But what I seen still haunts me, I still look for him in every place and mention him whenever I miss him. I still struggle to say his name, even to people who knew him too.I never got to say a real goodbye.

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Hello @Ruexoxo,

I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your brother and your nan. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.

I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,

Alex