I lost my older brother, 45 earlier this year. He died from liver failure due to alcohol with pancreatitis and diabetes type 1 as influencing factors. I’m struggling to come to terms with it.
We unfortunately fell out a year prior to his death, we always had a very up and down relationship! My brother had a lot of demons and due to constant drama and trouble brought to my door I made the decision to step back! I never thought deep down that we would never speak again! I will never get the chance to speak to him, to have been with him when he needed me! I feel so sad! That is the only word I keep using constantly, that I just feel so sad!
As soon as my dad rang me and told me he passed, I went down the hospital straight away and sat with him! We wasn’t informed how bad he was, he was always in and out! I saw him in hospital, at the morgue, at chapel of rest 3 times! I planned his funeral, wrote his eulogy and organised all flowers from my family! I tried my hardest to make it right for him! My way of taking the burden off my parents and also wanting to do it for him!
How do I begin to deal with my feelings, of hurt, of guilt, of sadness, of denial??? They come and go all the time and I still feel no different to the day I found out! I almost ignore it so I dnt feel it bt then when I do it hurts again!
Nothing I can do can ever change it! He’s gone and I won’t get to fix it!!!