Losing my dad after having a baby

My dad passed away on Thursday, day after New Year’s Day and I’m absolutely heartbroken, there’s no actual words that describe the pain I’m feeling. He was my world my best friend, there’s not been one day that I haven’t spoke to him, it’s been nearly a week and I feel lost, and empty.
I had a baby boy in November and he was my dads first grandchild and he was absolutely inlove with him.
My dad had liver and kidney failure, he was sick a lot and was on the toilet a lot, over the space of 2 years I’d say, doctors put it down to medication / diabetes / liver damage. It was only the last few weeks he started losing weight rapidly and his stomach and legs bloated and swelled, he didn’t tell me he had kidney failure too which is heartbreaking as he was trying to protect me from worrying. He went to the doctors on the Monday and they admitted him into hospital to get his stomach drained, he went into hostpital on New Year’s Eve and they drained his stomach, me and my brother visited him on New Year’s Day and he looked so so poorly it killed us seeing him the way he was, he just wasn’t our dad, he’d always been a stocky tanned good looking guy, and looking at him then he was like a bag of bones it was heartbreaking. We stayed for a few hours and then kissed him goodbye and told him we’d see him the next day. We got to the hospital the next day and me and my brother walked in on him in his room and he was lying there dead, the nurses never got to us on time to stop us walking in on him. It’s a image I will never get out of my head. They took us quickly into a room and told us he passed away and he did so in his sleep. I went back in and said goodbye and kissed him.
I feel like I’m in a constant nightmare, I feel angry, sad, guilty, I suffer with depression as it is and I don’t know how I’m going to cope, I have a baby that my dad isn’t going to see grow up it’s killing me. We shared everything together I’ve lost my best friend.

I’m sorry this is so long it just helps to let it out

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I lost my Dad when my youngest Son was 6months old , I understand what your going through, Not only are you coping with all the hurt and pain, it’s truly heartbreaking I know. You also have a baby and a family too, which put even more pressure on yourself. I have also seen my Dad and Brothet after they died Suddenly, you will eventually get those thoughts out of your head just try and I know it’s hard to think of the positive memories. My depression also retired after my dad passed due to so much pressure with everything. Please message me back if you need to chat x

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