Losing my dad recently

Losing a parent
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I’m new to this group but I’m struggling and I feel I need some kind of support from people who will understand how I’m feeling
My dad passed at the beginnings of January this year after being ill for a few months before
He suffered so much he became a shadow of himself all skin and bone he lost all his dignity and kept falling down on the floor and has no strength to get back up. It broke me every time my mum rang me to help him up. My dad crumpled up on the floor like a child god it must have broken him as it did with me every time it happened. I still cry now when I think about that part of his illness . He lost his voice near the end and we couldn’t understand what he was saying .
He was all skin and bone he suffered so much so why now so I feel so heartbroken that he’s passed as he’s out of pain now .
His funeral was four days ago
I have siblings but two of them are a waste of space and nearly all the funeral arrangements were left to me and I’m in the middle of sorting out his private and financial affairs.
My mum has dementia so she’s now left alone
None of us are in a position to move in with her but she’s not so far ill to be put into a care home which as a family we wouldn’t want to do anyway
She’s managing in some ways and we have put help in place for her but she’s struggling in others
I’m so frightened of losing her as well
I have only just come out of a two year mental health breakdown which pushed me to the depths I would never be able to cope with again
I was in and out of crisis houses and often thought of taking my own life
I’m still on medication for this as the doctors didn’t want me to come off it as my dad was ill and none of us thought it was a good time to stop.
My family and friends think I am coping as I can talk about him without getting upset and because I’ve organised everything they think I am ok
I am now starting to feel some anxiety coming back which I am so scared about as I’m already taking medication for this and would definitely not be able to get anything else from my GP for this
I don’t know what’s happening to me whether it’s hitting me he’s no longer here I don’t know but im scared and I miss him so much
Me and my dad were close and he was so good with me during my breakdown even though because I wasn’t right in the head often acted really bad and didn’t deserve his help
I wish I could just tell him how sorry I am for the way I behaved and how ashamed I am
Please if there is anyone that can just talk to me on here to explain why I feel this way
I don’t feel like im grieving properly yet and it’s scares me that when I do I might have another breakdown.
I live on my own so when I start thinking g about things I did with him I do get upset but because my mum is grieving I can’t burden her and my brothers cope by drinking which adds to the pressure I feel
I recently become a grandma two weeks before my dad died so when I should be happy with my first grandchild I’ve got sympathy cards in my house
Is there anyone else who can relate to how im feeling please

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Hello @Angela8

I can see that you’re new to the community, so I wanted to say that I am so sorry for the loss of your dad that brings you here. It sounds like you have gone through so much in the past few years - thank you for sharing your story with us.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that may help you right now.

You’re feeling scared and wondering if you are grieving properly. Everyone grieves differently, but I wanted to share our How long does grief last? support page with you. It walks you through what kind of things people often experience at different points in their grief journey and it may help to reassure you that what you are going through right now is something that you are not alone in, and that your feelings are normal.

You might also want to look at:

I’m glad you’re getting support for your mental health. If you do feel these suicidal thoughts or feelings return and get too much, you can reach out to one of the following organisations who are always just a call or text away anytime you would like someone to talk to:

  • Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
  • Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything.
  • You can also find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline here.
  • If you’re worried you’re going to hurt yourself, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,
Seaneen

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Hi i am so sorry for your loss must be awful for you, loosing a parent is hard i lost my mum, my bestfriend 6 months ago right inf ront of me, she was talking to me one minute and then she was gone. She had a massive heart attack i am still haunted by the fact i had to do CPR on my own mum, my mum was only 59. I to have deep regret how i treated my mum in the past some of the things i said were awful but i never meant them i was young and stupid i just hope she knew how much she meant to me and how much i loved her. But you cant blame yourself for things you said in the past you were going through a tough period and he would of known that and that shows you he eas an aamzing parent as he stuck by you through the thick and thin. I just hope i measure up, i am a mum to an amazing 19 month old daughter and i just hope i will half as good of a mum as my mum was to me as she was the best mum anyone could ever wish or ask for.

Sending love and support your way, you are not alone xxx

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Hi Angela so sorry for the loss of your dad. I lost mine on 29th November and still unable to cope. You are in very early stages of grief. It’s such a lonely place to be but I hope you find comfort in knowing you are not alone. My family and friends fail to understand why I’m in the state I’m in. But just burst into floods of tears at random times. Sometimes for minutes sometimes for hours. I’m barely functioning and still off work. Like you I saw my dad decline very quickly, mobility went, lost his speech and vision in the last week. I miss the fit healthy, active man he was 11 weeks prior to his death. This has been a good place for me to express myself and listen to others going through the same. I feel abandoned by most of my friends as they no longer know what to say or how to cope with me. My mum is getting very frail too and I sometimes can’t look at her coz I don’t want to see her deteriorating and terrified of losing her too.
Sending love and hugs
Lynne x

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I was sent this by my counsellor
THE HUNDREd FOOT WAVE - it describes my feelings are normal and gives me hope that I will learn to cope & move forward at some point in time x

As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out

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I love this. It describes grief perfectly.

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Thank you Emma I really appreciate your reply to my story
It’s so hard but for you especially with your mum being so young as well
My dad has a DNR in place but being an ex nurse I was so tempted to do CPR myself but I couldn’t
I’m just so deep at the moment in all the paperwork I haven’t grieved yet properly
I hope everything turns out ok for you
It’s nice being able to talk to people on here
I feel like I’m not alone x

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Thanks Lynne
I feel you know what I went through as your dad suffered as well and had the same decline as my dad
I always looked at my dad as a fit and healthy person and it tore me up seeing him reduced to even less than a child
This is a comfort to me coming on here being able to talk to people who have the same feelings
I’m just so scared of my grief making me have a breakdown again
I seem to be able to not get that out of my mind and it was so bad at the time
I shouldn’t really be here now after the way I was
Like you said friends don’t understand properly and although I get messages asking if I’m ok what are you supposed to say
I don’t want to feel like I’m a depressive person all the time

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Hi Angela
Nice to hear from you. I don’t think grief and depression are the same thing tbh. Similar but definitely not the same. I can completely relate with you wanting to jump on his chest. I’m a nurse too and had to hold myself back because I knew my dad would never have wanted to be completely dependant and I couldn’t bear to see him so helpless. In a way I’m glad he didn’t need to suffer that indignity for a prolonged period but still feel as though he was ripped away from us far too soon. He was functioning 3 weeks before he passed. He started staggering and fell 3 times over the weekend then admitted to hospice on the Tuesday. He kept asking me “what’s happening to me?” And I didn’t even have an answer. Deteriorated so quickly I was completely overwhelmed. In all my years of nursing I’ve never witnessed such a rapid decline. He was bed bound, lost his speech and could only see shadows, required assistance with feeding all within a week. Sedated his last few days. He died exactly 2 weeks after admission to hospice. I doubt I can ever go back to my ward, all I see I my poor dad lying helpless in a hospital bed & it’s tearing me apart