I recently lost my dad a couple of weeks ago but his funeral was only last Thursday.
My dad had suffered with MS all his adult life from being 21 to when he passed at 73. He had the slow progressive type and I have seen him go from being able to walk, to relying on a walking stick, to being in a wheelchair then in the past 6 years being totally bed bound and needing 24/7 care. He was so strong and we are all so proud of how hard he fought in those last 6 years, with having sepsis countless times, psychosis due to MS, dealing with the effects of MS itself, depression and I could go on. I’m the end he was admitted to hospital with pneumonia and died from heart failure. I feel so lost. I feel so guilty that I haven’t cried much although I feel likely want to nothing really comes out. I find it hard to talk about my feelings and feel so alone. Suffering with anxiety and depression myself I am trying to keep on top of my feelings and suppress them. I’m scared of hitting rock bottom again. I have a heavy feeling my chest and my stomach is constantly churning. I feel guilty talking to my mum as she is suffering so badly.
The last few days of his life we were allowed to stay with him in the hospital, we didn’t sleep for 24 hours not wanting to leave his side. I held his had and spoke to him even though he wasn’t awake, we were told he could still hear us. We played his favourite music and all sat round and remembered days from our childhood. The next morning I decided to go home for a shower. I kissed him, told him I loved him and said I would see him later. 5 minutes after I left he passed away 
. I was devastated I wasn’t there. Why didn’t I stay?! I feel so selfish.
Hello Cha cha 1
I lost my wonderful mum 4 weeks ago . She was on end of life care in hospital after suffering a stroke and visiting was 24 hours . I lived at the hospital for the last 48 hours of mums life . Myself and my brother were with her at the end , holding her hand as she took her last breath . The hospital Chaplain told us that some loved ones decide to pass over when family are with them and others decide to pass over when family have left . So please don’t punish yourself about not being there . Your dad knew you were there for him and is feeling proud of all you did for him . Take care , sending you love and hugs xx
Chaca,
The fact that you told him you loved him and stayed by his side for the 24 hours before, were probably all he needed. He probably passed after you’d gone, so that you wouldn’t have to see him go. Hold on to the fact that you were able to talk to him; he will have heard every word and knew he didn’t need to stay any longer. Your last words were that you loved him, that’s the most unselfish thing you can do, is love someone, and he knew that.
I know how you feel, my dad passed away a month ago, and nobody was with him, we’d all spoken to him, but it’s not the same. Your feelings will change over time and you’ll see how much you were able to give him in his last few moments, and all the years before.
If you want to chat, you’re welcome to message me.
JL123.x
@Angie4 thanks for your reply, so sorry to hear about your mum. I’m trying but it’s so hard, take care x
@JL123 thank you for your kind words, it gives me comfort to think that even in his state he will still have been thinking of me. I’m so sorry to hear about your dad, I hope you are doing ok xxx
Hi, when you say that you feel guilty as you haven’t cried much, you will still be in a state of shock and disbelief and it will probably hit you when you don’t expect it to.
And with you saying that you stayed with him for hours upon hours and then went home to have a shower, I know that he will have waited for to you to go so that you didn’t have to see him pass. My dad was the same, I had sat with at the end, every day for 3 days and when I just went to get some lunch, he passed away. The doctor looking after him says that the patients often wait for their loved ones to go so that they don’t have to witness it. Don’t ever feel selfish as he wouldn’t want you to, and you weren’t being selfish. I think he waited for you to go. Protecting you till the end.
Sending hugs xxx