Losing my dad

I lost my dad in August 2017 due to him being an alcoholic. I’m struggling to accept he is gone and wish I had the chance to change what happened as I never knew how bad he was as I live with my mum. I lost him when I was 18 and I turned 19 last week, I don’t know anyone who has lost their parent this young. I was with him every single day 12 hours plus on some days for 3 months, and then watched him take his last breath. I just want someone to talk to who has been through something similar and advice on how to cope.

Dear Phoebe I’m so sorry for you loss. I wish I had magic words to make you feel better. I lost my mum on the 16th of December last year. Its the 1st year anniversary next Saturday. My mum was also an alcoholic. I can’t begin to imagine how hard it is for you being so young. I was with my mum when she died which is quite a traumatic experience but how brave of you to be by his side. My 53 year old sister & 42 year old brother couldn’t do it. What an amazing person you are. I hope you take comfort in the fact that you were their for you Dad. My mum had been an alcoholic since I was 10 years old which I later found out after she died. I never knew how long she had struggled for. My dad died 20 years ago when I was 25 he had cancer. The early days are very hard and 1st anniversaries birthdays etc. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of my mum & dad but time is a good healer as they say. The only advice I can give you is be the best you you can be make your dad proud which I’m sure he was anyway. Try not to have regrets & guilt it’s not productive and is emotionally draining. I tortured myself for months it totally conusumed me. I cried every day for my mum and one day it was a light switch moment. I thought I’m no good to anyone like this and my mum would go mad at me. I know she would want me to be ok & be happy in myself. There are days when I think about her and get choked up but I suppose that’s normal. I can talk about her now though without crying. Talk to your Friends, family & try and get some councilling. I’m not going to lie you will have dark days but it’s all part of the grieving process. I joined this forum when I was struggling with Mother’s Day it really does help. Please feel free to message me anytime if you want too. I’m obviously not an expert but I’m here if you need me. Take care & don’t be too hard on yourself.

Love Sara xxx

Hello Sara, thanks for taking time to replying to my message. I’m sorry to hear that you have been through something similar to me as what I’ve gone through has broken my heart so I know you must’ve felt the same at that time. I think it just hurts to know that it could’ve been stopped, addiction is so awlful and I know my dad wanted to stop which he did several times but it just drags you straight back in. It has matured me a lot and made me see life in a different light, I’ve eneve lost anyone close to me so it was a real shock when I found out he was rushed in ICU straight away. The thing that hurts me most is that he won’t be able to experience my life with me like The majority of people in the world get to such as, he can’t do things like walk me down the aisle when I get married, meet my first kid or even just teaching me how to drive like he said he would, it’s difficult to know he is not going to be here to see me grow and develop. I know he is with me by heart but I know it’s going to take time to get used to it, I think counselling will help me so I think I’m going to give it a try, my nan (my dads mum) is struggling and goes to counselling and it helps her so I think I will, I mean I know my dad wouldn’t want me to be down, he would want me to experience life and have a good time which I’m trying to do. Since he passed I have started to donate blood as he has loads of blood transfusions in hospital so I know how much it can help or even save someone’s life, and that does help me knowing I’m doing something good out of it. Even though it had nearly been a year since your mum sadly passed but I know it’ll still hurt in some way but I’m also here for you if you ever need to talk about anything regarding your mum and your dad. Thank you again for replying, listening and your kind words, phoebe xxx

Hi Phoebe,
Sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my dad in September and watched him take his last breath - he had acute heart failure and he decided to die at home with his family around him.
I’m 30 and feel like I’m going to miss out on things like him meeting my children, walking me down the isle etc - it’s heartbreaking.
Still now I get angry and just want to talk to him, I think a daddy/daughter bond is so special.
I have some days better than others, hopefully you do too?
Try counselling and see if that helps - I’ve just started and I’m still a little apprehensive about it all but I figured it can’t make me any worse.
Christmas will be tough too. I’m just staying with my brother and mum and we aren’t having a traditional Christmas. It’s all still raw and we just aren’t ready.
You’re not alone. Always remember that.
Susan x

Hello Susan, thanks for taking time out of your day to reply to my message, I hope you and your family are all well! Im so sorry to hear about your loss! I know it is extremely hard and I do have my good days and bad days too, you just got to remember that he would want you to be happy! Lots of love, phoebe xx

Hi Phoebe,

I do hope your ok and thanks for your message. Your very kind I really appreciate it. I’m absolutely overwhelmed with how mature and level headed you are in the circumstances. Thinking of others at such a terrible time for you is so admirable. I obviously don’t know you but I know in my heart you will go on to have a good and happy life. It’s heartbreaking to even think that now but you will. I do think difficult times test us and shows us what kind of people we are. The old saying what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger cliche I know but I do believe it. I hope your Nan is ok must be so terrible to lose a child can’t even imagine. I do hope you try councilling it really does help. My mum had to have lots of transfusions as well. You have inspired me to donate blood. I didn’t even think of that I’m blown away with your kindness & compassion. It’s still very early days for you yet so if you ever need to talk I’m here for you. Take care and please message me if you need anything.

Lots of love Sara xxx

Thanks again for getting back to me, I hope you are well! You seem very kind hearted and wise. I’m please and overwhelmed that you have said I’ve inspire you to give blood, it’s very easy to do but can make such a difference to other people’s lives. When my dad had blood transfusions it helped him a lot and to think a stranger added a few more days into my dads life really made me do it, to think I could be doing the same for someone else. Doing it always makes it easier as I said before something good has come out of it. My nan is struggling more than anyone which is understandable, but my family see her more than usual to see how she is, she is getting there and counselling is helping her, I really think I’m going to try it. I know it is early days for me and I’ll get better with time just like you will, but it’s just very hard to come to terms with. You just have to take it day by day I guess and just be grateful that we had a parent that loved us as much as they did as some people don’t get that. It’s lovely talking to you, I’ll always be here to talk to you if you need it, phoebe xxx