Losing my daughter to cancer, aged 28

Losing a child
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Hi all,
Just wanted to introduce myself. I am Nikki and we lost our daughter Tash to cancer in December of last year. People ask me how i am, and i always say "functioning " - both me and my husband went back to full-time work just 3 weeks after she passed (the joys of both of us being self-employed; both of us taking turns to live at the hospital with her in her last 7 months ) but my fear is that if i start the true grieving process i will no longer be able to function. The dam i am building up against the grief is close to being breached, but i just keep fortifying it. I know no other way to cope at the moment

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Hello @Footiechick ,

I can see that you’re new to the community. I hope you find it to be a support to you, but I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter - Tasha that brings you here.

You say you are feeling like you are not allowing yourself to grieve and feel scared of how you will cope if you allow grief in. I wanted to share some sources of support that might help you right now.

  • Child Bereavement UK support families with the loss of a child. They also support bereaved children. You can call their helpline on 0800 02 888 40.

  • The Compassionate Friends support families who have lost a child of any age. You can call them on 0345 123 2304

Sue Ryder also has some resources which can help you cope with grief.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
Take care,

Alex

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Hello Nikki
I lost my daughter to leukaemia in January 2024, she was 23. I have tried to cope by still doing things for her as I always have. I keep very busy in her memory, I won’t let her go. The hospital are guilty of medical manslaughter (she was getting a lot better end of November) but they failed to act and the coroner opens the inquest this week, I am busy telling her story and making sure she still has a voice. I am doing things for her every day. I am sleeping a bit better now, I like seeing her in my dreams and I take time out to be in her room and nurture my memories. I will always be her mum.

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@Footiechick I am sorry for your loss. I hope being on this forum helps you. I think being busy is a natural coping mechanism that many of us turn to. It is better to be occupied than live painful memories. In time I think the memories get happier but we all experience a roller coaster of emotions and there is no right or wrong way to grieve

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@VictoriasMum I love your comments about keeping a loved one alive through being busy and making sure a voice is still heard. That is truly beautiful and inspiring

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Hello footiechick

I hope you find support from this page, I lost my daughter to cancer on 10th December . I was really struggling with anxiety ( absolutely something I’ve never even thought about) as I really didn’t want to talk about her, at age 61 I got my first tattoo on my forearm, it’s quite small but gives me a focal point to concentrate on when I feel things building up. I cope with my grief by ‘allowing’ my tears to flow at the times when I’m alone. However, we all deal with grief in different ways but personally I was getting worse by constantly bottling it up. I also got very p**d off when people would tell me I’m strong, I’m not, I’m just private !!! Wishing you all the best x

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I lost my daughter on 13th December, and my tattoo is booked for bank holiday Monday! In some ways i wish i could just let the tears flow, but my fear is that if i do, i won’t be able to function, which i have been doing up to now. I am fully conscious that i am bottling everything up, but i am acting instinctively at the moment - one step at a time.

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Dear friend, i know just what you are saying. At the time our daughter passed we were still doing bed and breakfast and i was doing a 3 hour journey back from Aberdeen, where she was in hospital, to north of inverness to fulfill bookings i hadn’t been able to cancel in the panic of the first weeks. I was physically and mentally exhausted but after she passed, i came home and just 3 days later was back doing the b n b.
I soon had to stop though as our son in law needed help with their three year old child. We still had 2 holiday lets to look after so i was really busy all the time.
Then only 9 months later covid lockdown hit and, although having our elder daughter up north during lockdown, we couldnt socialise as i am asthmatic and so considered at risk. She stayed in the holiday cottagd just nearby and looked after Brooke when Jamie was at work. I did find comfort seeing thd little one running about the garden although i couldn’t hug her.
I think now that my grief came in floods in the evenings when there was nothing to keep me occupied.
For me, keeping busy is what has got me through. Its 5 years now and i think of her every minute. She had her 31st birthday 15 days before she passed.

Sending love and strength to you.

Kate

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Hi Hollie1988

I am so sorry for your loss. I am going through a similar situation. I lost my son exactly 2 years ago. He was 24 and took his own life at his nearby train station. I am not really living. Just getting by. I feel friends do not like to bring up the subject and I am too embarrassed to fall apart in front of them in case they can’t cope and walk away from our friendship. I have also had a tattoo recently on my forearm with an inspiring quote. Something to look at when I feel like I’m in a black hole. Do you think we will ever love life again? I really hope so. Take care x

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Hi JLT, will we ever love life again? Hmm hard one to be honest, currently I miss her so very much that I even imagine loving life, I do try but my anxiety at making others possibly uncomfortable means I’ve retreated from most social occasions, I’ve always been one to make others comfortable and happy as that in turn made me happy. I feel like my life has been blown apart, I paste a smile on for my 3 other ( adult) children . I hope I will get enjoyment back as my girl loved life and lived it to the full, and I would like to start living for her as she didn’t like people being sad. Oddly enough the tattoo has helped, it helps me to focus my feelings . I saw a quote recently
.’ A person who loses Thier wife or husband is a widow or widower, a person who loses parents is an orphan, there is no word for those who lose a child, this is because it’s an unimaginable event’.
I lost my sister 2 days before Hollie and I honestly am existing . One day my head will clear I hope, this forum really helps as I know I’m not alone. Much love to you