Losing my father

Hi all, new user.
So, I lost my father last month and in that time I haven’t been able to talk about how I feel as I have had to be strong for my mother and my sisters.

My mother and father split up around seven years ago and had both happily moved on to new partners.
And it was towards the end of last year that my father lost his mother (my nan) to old age and multitude of illnesses, this broke his heart.

Then the following month in december, his partner was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She passed away Jan 3rd this year.

The heartache was too much for him and on the 6th of january, my father committed suicide by hanging.

I’m 37 years old and had quite an up and down relationship with him… childhood was lovely but teens were tough, despite being a good lad, my dad had a temper and was verbally abusive to a degree and we fell out.

It took time to rebuild the bridges, but eventually I was able to stand tall and tell him I flat out refuse to be spoken down to any longer.

We ended up having a great and close bond until last year when we just drifted apart somewhat.

We only spoke again when I attended my nans funeral and immediately comforted him, knowing his pain.
Again, we seemed on good grounds again and parted on very nice terms.

Now he is gone, i feel completely numb and lost.

Initially I was angry that he could be that ‘selfish’ but soon understood that he must have been in such an awful place to have even considered such drastic measures.

Now, I just can’t seem to get my head around the fact he is gone. Songs he loved break my heart, movies we watched together and would quite lines at to one another hurt just as much.

I’m trying to stay strong as my family is heartbroken and visibly broken by this, and I have my own little family with two young boys that I need to look after.

I’m not sure how to grieve in a positive way or how to even get my head around the concept that he is gone for good.

I have his ashes and 2 bags of his possessions and find myself melancholic over how 62 years can be boiled down to ‘this’.

My heart aches, I feel lost and often drift off thinking about him.

I often struggle with guilt that he couldn’t come to me or that I couldn’t save him.

Being quite an ardent atheist, I can’t even take spiritual solace, I’m not sure what to do or think of late.

Anyways, sorry for the long post but thought it would be good to get it all out.


Oh,what a terrible time for you.
Firstly ,please don’t feel you have to stay strong for others. So many men hide their grief in this way and it doesn’t help anyone.
Secondly, I can fully understand why your father couldn’t face life without his partner. I lost my lifelong partner suddenly and life hasn’t been worth living since, if I’ d known what it was like I would have done the same. I still love my family but it is so very different to the love you have for a partner.
I very much doubt if there was anything you could have done or said that would have made a difference.
SOBS , SURVIVORS OF BEREAVEMENT BY SUICIDE can probably help you more than I can.
I also recommend the excellent After Talk website , especially Dr. NIEMEYER’ S ( his father killed himself ) Q & A.
Wishing you well at thus saddest of times.Sadme

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