Losing my grandad

Losing a grandparent
1

Hi,

I suppose I just need a safe place to talk about losing my grandad. I’m 30 this year and class myself as extremely lucky, as I still have a great nan who is 101 this year. However, with having great grandparents and grandparents still at my age, and never knowing loss, the passing of my grandad this Monday has been particularly hard for me.

My grandad was a very gentle man, quite regimented in his ways with a wealth of knowledge. I stayed at my nan and grandad’s as a kid every Friday night, making the most wonderful memories every weekend up until I was about 13 years old. I visited at least every other week once I could drive.

My grandad was a poorly man in later years and has had a triple heart bypass, prostate cancer and sepsis multiple times. It’s sepsis that got him this time, too. We were told to say goodbyes (unfortunately I moved an hour away so would never have made it to hospital) 2 weekends ago now, as he wouldn’t likely make it out of surgery. He did, and he survived a further 2 to remove some of the rotting gut and place a colostomy bag. He woke up, began eating and drinking and then suddenly on Sunday we were told there was nothing more they could do and he was going to pass away. I don’t understand it.

The real bit I’m struggling with is that I’m 9 weeks postpartum. My baby was also born with sepsis (invasive Strep B) and we were told must not meet people for 3 months due to being so poorly. That means my grandad passed away before meeting my baby, and that’s destroying me. I did take her to hospital with me (rightly or wrongly) so I could say my goodbyes the day after we were told he’d pass away the first time, but we kept her with her dad in the corridor due to the bugs and illnesses on the ICU. The only comfort I have is that she was just outside the door to see him. I feel guilt that I wasn’t able to see him more in the past 9 weeks. The last time I saw him was the day before I was being induced.

I’m currently in denial, and some parts of the day I forget it’s real. It then hits and I’m in pieces again. The first birthday, Christmas, anniversaries etc. the first time his name isn’t written in a card, the fact he never got to see me get married, the first time going to their house and him not being there, the way his phone number won’t be his one day. It’s breaking my heart.

He was truly one of the most important people in my life, and stupidly I always felt my grandparents were invincible and even when being told he wouldn’t make it, a huge part of me really believed he’d be okay.

I hope it gets easier.

2

Hello [@ChloeTee,

Thank you for so bravely sharing this with the community. I’m so sorry to hear about your grandad.

I hope you find the community to be a support to you. Many of our members have experienced the death of their grandparent and will understand some of what you’re going through. I’m not sure if you’ve seen our Losing a grandparent category. But there you will find lots of conversations from other members who are coping with their grief. You may find some comfort in knowing you are not alone.

You’ve been coping with a lot with a new baby who was ill very, and feeling the loss of your grandad’s presence and influence in their life, as well as yours. It sounds like you made the right choice to protect your baby, even though it was so hard to.

I’m not sure if this is something you’ve already thought about, but I know that many of our members have found making a memory box helpful. It might be something you can make for your baby to help them connect to your grandad as they grow up; who he was, and what he means to you. We have an article on our Grief Guide which can talk you through it.

Please do keep reaching out and take good care,
Seaneen

3

Thursday will be my grandad’s first “heavenly” birthday. It’s been a very up-and-down few months since he passed away. Some days are more uplifting, and I find myself feeling as positive as I can, with him always being on my mind. Most days are still hard, and I find myself crying at points in the day.

There’s been a few firsts since he passed away, mainly being relatives birthdays or gatherings. I always find myself looking for him to come into the room or walk through the front door, but he never does. To see my nan on her own is very hard, and visiting their house for the first time a few weeks back was overwhelming.

I’m spending the day with my parents and baby, as I don’t feel like being “alone” with my baby for the day. I’m unsure how we’ll celebrate, if we even discuss it or just let it quietly sit there in our thoughts.