Today is a hard day for me i am feeling so low cannot seem to shake the sadness away went out to the doctors today for my flu jab i got it for paul to keep me healthy but now i fell whats the point of all of this i miss him so much andvi think nobody understands why i still feels like this after 5 years but i do i loved my husband very much
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You’re not alone Sass, do what you have been doing, keep your chin up and walk on. Its hard, but is there anything about life that’s easy, if so I’ve not experienced it, losing your soul mate, again is another challenge, but I’m confident after death there is at least a conscious state, maybe we’ll find them there, but only when our time is up, I do believe in that (sorry not religious) but think anything stupid we do, then we don’t. Stay safe and strong as you are Sass X
Hi lisa 1
Thank you for your kind words the are appreciated but i just feel i cannot go on without him and you know when you do stupid things and they are not there to help you what do you do i feel so lost and empty at the moment cannot do anything right anymore
Sarah
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Sassychic
How have you got to 5 years Simon was ripped from me 4 months ago we were soo in love for 30 years spent every day together I know I will be broken until I see him again but how do I go on I am sobbing from morning till night friends and family have gone because I just cry all the time just don’t want to be without him winter is coming how do I get through
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Hi
I was with my husband paul for 44years and we did everything together wedid not like bieng apart so we spent a lot of time together i have never lived on my own i went from my parents home to bieng married and living with paul and we where so in love all my family saw that but pauls family never did it has been 5 years and yes i still miss him and still love him i always will and that is why it hurts so much losing your soulmate is the hardest thing that is ever thrown at you and there is no handbook on your grief nobody ever tells you that it is going to be this hard i miss him everyday and always will my life without him is so much different and i do not want to go on without him
Sarah
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Its the hardest thing i have ever been through
I lost the love of my life 3 weeks ago, been together 30+ years, i never knew a human body could hold so much 
tears. I have being crying none stop.
I find when i wake up in the morning it dosent hit me until about 5 to 10 minuts then BANG, it hits me like a sledgehammer for the rest of the day.
Ron was my everything, the laughs and jokes between us that only us would get, we never ran out of things to chat about,now all thats gone forever like Sassychic i do not want to go on without him, but for the sake of my daughter and pets i will have to find a way…
Gerronomo
I feel your pain i am 20 weeks in from loosing Simon to Cancer the last 2 weeks screaming in pain eventually spent last week in hospice bowel perforation and small bowel blockage watching and laying with him in pain stays with me i cry morning noon night i have tried filling my days but grief comes with you this week decided to isolate and give in to grief not sure anything can fill this void we did everything together we only needed each other my heart still hurts but i have accepted i will hurt until i am with him
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Dear Maxandlala,
I am so very sorry to hear your Simon was in such pain and i know exactly where you are coming from with watching and laying with him, every morning i cried as i looked at Rons back with near the end every bone visible, and his poor legs and feet swollen up from Edema.
I had my first proper dream of Ron last night it was so so vivid even his clothes his smile and his beautiful nature came true in the dream, we were walking hand in hand in the sunshine, when i woke up i was confused as the dream was so real, then i realised it was only a dream, and i cried and still am crying and probably always will be. Oh this pain is like no other!!
My Simons and Rons souls rest in Heavenly peace…
Gerronamo
Bless you I WOULD LIKE A BEAUTIFUL DREAM i think i look at old videos on holiday with kids when they were small god it hurts but sometimes I am desperate to hear his voice I play video in hospice begging him please come back sorry you are hurting through this horrible nightmare they are out of pain ours is long term pain feels like the 3 years of Cancer has been me in pain but this is different sending hugs
Yes you have described it perfectly, it is a living nightmare.
I sat with Ron in the hospic and i watched him die very peacefully they had him on some kind of pump gadget that administered constant medication, he was just breathing loudly but peacefully then his breathing changed and went very quiet, i paniced and ran for the nurse she said its ok his just taking his final breaths, and i looked at her as if to say its ok??. How could it be ok i was just about to lose the love of my life, my everything.
I am usually very scared around death and dead people, but i was able to sit with Ron after he passed kissed his hands and forehead then had to leave him behind forever, thats when my living nightmare began. It consumes your every second. I have his ashes downstairs in a box and its unreal his in there my big Ron, i bout him a beautiful urn and today i promised him i will get him from that box and into the urn and make a memorial space for him in my bedroom.
So sorry for the long essay, i haven’t been able to talk face to face with anyone for nearly a month now except the funeral directors.
I wish you a day filled with peace
Take care of yourself x
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I agree with everything you have said once i asked the nurses to get him out of pain and agitation they sedated him and gave us a cuddle bed Simon had 2 drivers for pain relief it wasn’t until sedated he was peaceful yes loud noise but not agitated i loved the 2 nights layed with him as much as it was scary i panicked when the rattle at end but lovely nurse sat with me my head on his heart i felt it stop i said has it gone not yet she said a deep noise a single tear then gone the single tear upset me most he really didn’t want to leave me strange i wanted to run out but i went in a quiet room came back in after they washed him to kiss him goodbye they were lucky to have us until the end my fear now is we won’t have them with us xx
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Oh my gosh that is so lovely yet so sad, rest in hevenly peace Simon…
I was so curious during Ron’s final hours, i remember thinking to myself.I want to make sure that everything is ok with him.And that he is not in any pain, my eyes were fixated on his face, he looked so peaceful almost like a baby sleeping i knew him so well after 30 plus years. I knew he didn’t want to leave me and he tried to hang on for as long as he could Ahe could, one of the things that stays in my mind is how sad his voice sounded the few days before he died, he would just stare at me as he spoke with this sad voice.
He knew he was going to go. He even told me that… when he passed, I looked at his face, and there was tears coming down his eyes, that completely broke my heart, and I actually started screaming, no, no, no. He can’t be gone.
I am usually such a quiet person and my own voice. Almost frightened me. I honestly haven’t stopped thinking of him every second of every day since he passed, it will be a month and Monday, nude, little images and little things, he said in places we went and things. We done together, keep playing on my mind.
I never thought it would be this difficult.
I really hope to meet him again. Some fine day…
New little images****
Bless you I keep saying to people Simon had his faith he told me in heaven their is no time he will blink and I will be with him I just hope everything is as he said I’m afraid I am still angry so hopefully in time these feelings will get better but 5 months in nothing has changed from day one always here if you find everything too much I understand your pain xxx
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Thank you so much thats very kind I’m here for you as well any time.
Today i had plans of moving Rons Ashes from the cardboard box they are in to a lovely urn i bought for him , but unfortunately i am literally stuck to the bed and cant move, earlier i went out to Tescos in the rain with my sunglasses on to hide my red eyes, to get my meal deal and big bar of chocolate thats what i have every single day as cooking for myself is just to 
.
I promised Ron i would get him out of that box and into his so i will have to some how get myself out of this bed and do that, i do not like looking at the ashs at all, to think our beloveds are reduced to that…
Gerronamo
You are not alone i have Simons ashes in a beautiful pearl drop urn but it upsets me to think my beautiful man is in a bloody ornament not sat here but i am getting used to touching and saying goodnight but i find it better talking to his photo i have counselling at hospice she suggested a daily diary writing my thoughts i have turned it into a diary to simon talking yo him have you thought of doing it get your thoughts down anger upset i tell him how much i need him .i have to admit i am eating rubbish not a proper meal x
Simon did all about the cooking he loved looking after me I have a 2 year old dog Simons dog i resented him at first i just wanted to stay in bed but Simon walked him everyday in pain or sick and i promised him i wouldn’t rehome him so i make my self walk him early in morning i quess he is helping me even though it’s hard work xx
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Hi yes i have a little dream book set up now and i am going to write
all my dreams into it.
I got myself up out of bed somehow balling my eyes out as per usual and got on width, setting up Rons little memorial in my bedroom his urn pics of us both a crucifix a candle… Ron was obsessed with gadgets of any kind phones, laptops, cameras anything that needed mending so i added his phones his spectacles( that he was forever losing) lol, his headphones his tablet and favourite writing pen. I cried the whole time as I was putting things together, but now looking at it its very comforting.
I love animals and have a rescued cat and dog, i took on Rons cat now as well.
We didn’t live in the same house but saw each other every day. But my house was his house, and he’s house.My house.
I dont feel any anger whatsoever about him leaving me, I know if he had the choice he would be with me to the very end. We would probably be watching a film. Don’t a crossword.I have any game with scrabble, h now
This feeling of loss is just Awful 
.
My thoughts and prayers are with everyone who is going through this 
, and that will be an awful lot of people…
Good night, and God bless you…
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