Hi I’m new in here. I lost my beloved Paul in Feb 23 and I’m doing all the recommended things ….self care ….keeping active ……seeing people… I have holidays booked …but finding as time goes on it all seems so pointless and just a time filling exercise. I feel I’m missing him more as time passes and feel really low…. It all seems a bit pointless. We were due to retire this year and I feel so sad that we won’t be doing all the things we planned. I have family and good friends but this feels a long hard journey. Thank you for listening
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Anya
I am not as far ahead as you in time my husband dies in October 23. Neither of us were at retirement age . I too think about what’s lost and what won’t now happen.
I to feel the pointless of everything now he’s not alongside me . It’s a draining dark pit the pointless pit isn’t it .
It’s most certainly is a hard lonely journey we walk .
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I’m so sorry for your loss … it’s hard to bear and it feels the only ones that understand are those that are in the same situation.
Hiya. There will always be someone on here who will listen. I could have written your post as it’s precisely how I felt after losing Alan. It was sudden and traumatic and our whole future went with him. It was (is) absolutely brutal. I also have followed all the advice. And sometimes it really does feel pointless but then, what’s the alternative? And, after nearly three months, it is getting better. I decided to try not to say no to anything and, believe me, I have been to some shocking events! And I’ve cried with laughter thinking of myself in those situations. Sometimes, though, when I come back to an empty house, I’ve cried in despair too. But that’s OK. Its all part of building a new normal for yourself. Not the life we wanted but a life worth living. Some things you do will feel pointless and fail miserably but so what. Some will be good though and those are the things to focus on. Trial and error I think! You are not alone in this. And I believe that there is a decent future out there: it’s just sometimes difficult to see. Take care x
Anya
We are also so sensitive around language I know I am I wish I could find an alternative to the “new normal “ .
I find I cant do socialise talk! about mundane stuff it’s like I’ve lost interest .
I don’t want to hear about other peoples husbands partners lives .
Did you find that ?
I was invited in January to a friends house with her partner and another couple . There was talk about how they loved Christmas and I could feel my self wanting to exit.
The final straw was we are going to play some board games and that was my exit. I politely said I didn’t want to play games and bring the mood down and wished them a nice evening and left .
Even a coffee with a friend it doesn’t have meaning . Sound familiar ?
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Hi Wilderness
Yes it does feel very familiar. Going out with girlfriends is fine for me and they have been a great support . I often go out for coffee or a film or theatre I have a couple of friends who are on their own.
Our friendship with our best friends (couple) that we used to holiday with twice a year and spend Christmas with etc has been more tricky to navigate. The husband said he couldn’t do our planned holiday last year as he would miss Paul too much even though we have been away with my friend when she’s been on her own when he’s been away for work!!
I think everything changes and you just have to do what you feel is right to keep yourself safe . I don’t think people mean to be thoughtless or unkind but I feel unless you have experienced the same loss it’s impossible to understand.
A good friend who lost her husband and then her partner of 10 years told me soon after paul died that it doesn’t get easier you just get more used to it. I feel for you your loss is very recent. Take care
Thank you your words were a real comfort. X
Hi hope you dont mind me replying was looking at your conversation . I totally get both of your sides of how you feel. I lost my Alex in September we had been together since I was 16 I was 55 when he died he was only 66. I did the I am not saying not to anything approach for the first few months and most of the time absolutely hated it, like you came home in total despair and loneliness to a empty house except for my dogs and thinking is this now my life. Alex had a short illness just under a year so hard to accept. I hate hearing what other couples are doing as I know it is not their fault but I just want to scream shut up I will never be able to do that again with my Alex. I had my step daughters wedding in the November and I literally wanted to scream at them all between her step dad walking her down the aisle to everyone asking how are you. How the bloody hell did they expect I would feel. Sorry to rant feels as though people dont really think that you have just lost the love of your life and they are getting on with their lives but yours will never be the same. I now dread if any of my friends ask me for lunch or coffee as I feel I need to do that I am fine act so they dont feel embarassed or dont know what to say. I could just scream and tell the world to f off at the minute.
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I lost my husband in October of 2023 too. The grief is really hitting me hard this last few days. I’m so glad for my dogs because I’m not sure I’d still be here if I didn’t have them. This all feels impossible.
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I know exactly how you are feeling I’m only getting up every day because my girls need me in my lighter moments I’m grateful they weathered to keep me sane .how I think is my girls (my dogs) need me and that Letizia me going you sound the same way about your dogs they need you you are they’re everything I think we need to remember that x
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Harposgirl
I know what you mean about your dogs . I don’t think I’d be here without my boy but he is poorly too now and I’m faced with losing him as well. It really does seem impossible at the moment. I hope that you find some comfort . I have only just found this forum and when you feel alone and feel like you’re the only one experiencing this pain and loneliness it helps to know you’re not alone but then makes me feel sad that so many of us are experiencing this pain. Sending hugs 
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Dogs are mentioned a lot I don’t have one.
My house is empty and I feel if I channel my love I can no longer directly give my husband it might helps I’m going to wait some more time but I am thinking a dog to care for, a companion might be what I need …
Make sure it is definitely what you want they are a lifetime responsibility if you’ve never had a dog before why don’t you try fostering a dog short term to see if it is actually for you and more importantly if you can cope with having a dog . I’ve three and love them all the positives way out way the negatives . They are very tiring your life will revolve round them but the love companionship they give is immense . Even at times when I’m sitting breaking my heart they either come up and cover me in kisses or give me one of their toys which is probably them telling me to dry my tears we need you to play mummy . They seem to know when I’m so low and just come over and cuddle me on couch or come up and give me a kiss . I love having another movement in the house definitely makes house feel lived in .
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I feel the same don’t see the point of anything
Keep pushing myself to do things . But without him it’s really hard and I’m always on my own
or that’s what it feels like
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I’m so sorry you feel like that it’s brutal I don’t think any of us will ever feel whole again I certainly can’t .have you thought about maybe going swimming or a walking club just to ge about people but I know sometimes that’s the last thing we need is strangers and having to do the i list my husband conversation.just sending my thoughts and hugs to you o hope today you might have a few moments when you don’t feel as alone x
Pam 14
I agree it is brutal . We walk a lonely path .