I lost my husband on 8th September and sometimes I have bad bad days but if I have a good day with family and laugh, I feel guilty. I loved Sean very much and we were together nearly 38 years, so really all my adult life, and I don’t know how to live alone. I cared for him through a long illness and I don’t know what to do with my free time and i feel really bad if I’m enjoying the freedom to do anything i want…not that im doing anything anyway but im also scared of being alone. The anxiety is like a lead weight in my chest and i miss him so much it hurts. Is this normal and how long will it be this bad please?
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I can’t say how long this unbelievable pain will last. My husband died on September 17th. I can’t stop crying. I can’t believe he is gone. I am so sorry that you have this very sad experience in your life.
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Hi 020962, I am sorry you have had to join us here through losing your husband, sadly, everybody on here are in the same or similar situation and we know exactly what you are going through and everybody will want to support and help you in whatever way they can so please post whatever and whenever you want or need to, people will respond because they know how important it is to you.
It is very early times for you and it is devastating and your whole world has fallen apart not helped by all the things you need to do and get sorted, don’t try and rush through things, don’t be pressurised by others, this is your time and you need to do what you want to do and what you are comfortable with (to be honest, very little will be “comfortable”) but it is your decision, not others. Don’t be afraid of showing grief, you were together for 38 years, grief is because of the love you had for him, don’t hide it away. There is no right or wrong way to grieve for him, many on here will talk of constantly going over things again and again, try not to do this, it will not change anything, if you feel a little happier one day you will feel guilty because you feel you shouldn’t, I am sure your husband would not want you feeling guilty about anything.
All of this and more is normal, sadly no-one can tell you how long you will feel like this, don’t listen to people who do try to tell you " oh you will be fine in a couple of weeks, months, years" or whatever, only you will find your way forward in your own time.
Your grief is not something that can be “healed” it’s not something to “get over” or “come out the other side” these are things said by people who have never experienced this grief, it is the love you have for your husband and like your love, will always be there, at some point, not so painful and you will learn to cope, you will not move on but you will move forward.
For me, I am seven months on from losing my wife, I am only just beginning to believe in what I have written above, for others it may be a shorter time for others - longer, you just cannot put a time on it.
If you read through the many posts, particularly under “losing a partner” you will see everybody deals with it in their own way but we all are trying to achieve the same thing.
Take care, keep posting, don’t beat yourself up and ask the questions.
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I cared for my hubby for a while we were together 31 years,he passed quite quickly,which was a shock for my son and myself,i miss him so much,he was my soulmate and a great dad.I can’t say how long the grief will last,everyone is different, all i can do is send you a hug.Take care x
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Hi 020962, just read through my post in answer to yours, it comes across to me now that I am telling you what to do! lots of don’ts etc, sorry if that is how it appears to you, I certainly didn’t mean to tell you what to do, in my defense, when I was in the early months of my loss, I experienced a lot of information and “advice” that I and most others on here, know not to be right and I was hoping I could forewarn you and put your mind at ease that only what you want to do is right.
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I lost my husband almost 5 months ago. I haven’t suffered overwhelming grief— just sadness mostly with tears occasionally. It was a sudden loss totally unexpected and the doctors said he was simply “unlucky”. I was with him apart from a short time that i went home to change ---- and to remove all my balloons, birthday cards and presents so that when we did come home after he died we wouldn’t have to see how happy we had been. My 70th birthday was the 18th May, my birthday party was the 25th may, he became ill on the morning of the 30th may and unresponsive within an hour of becoming ill. He died in the early hours of 1st June. Three weekends ---- birthday, party, losing him. Three weeks after my Birthday all those that had been celebrating with me came to say goodbye to him. My son and daughter were devastated, my precious grandaughters were almost inconsolable. I do keep going over and over what happened, and it helps me to cope because there was no blame, there were no “what ifs”. It happened, it was spontaneous, it was how he would have wanted it to happen. He would want me to carry on, so i do. Thats not to say i dont miss him, or that i didnt love him — i absolutely did but I also respect his wishes for me. And i will spend the rest of my life carrying out his wishes---- even if i somtimes have a little wobble. Our 46th wedding anniversary is on Monday and i will be on the train coming back from visiting my son, his partner and 2 of my grandchildren, exactly what we would have been doing if he was still here.
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020, Yes, it is normal. Everything you are feeling is normal.
There is a lot of free time now, one month in. Yes, we can come and go as we please without checking out or in, stay as long as we want, and eat what we want. I haven’t visited anyone at their home yet, but friends come around for a chat and give a helping hand. And, we even get a good laugh in.
Laughter is healing, joyous times rejuvenate us. Do not feel guilty about this, you are just recharging your batteries. Your husband would want nothing less than for you to live a full and happy life.
You’re okay.
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