we have been together for 28 years. through all the good and the bad times Lesleys has been my rock, my guide,my strength and my reason to do things and so much more.
She is laying in St Luke’s at the moment sleeping and not in pain. We only discovered the pancreatic cancer in April. it was too late by then and the cancer had spread to her liver and lungs. No treatment was available just good care. She was given six weeks but she has fought hard but alas the cancer has won after nine weeks now she has but a few days left.
I wish she could be awake so I can tell her of my love, hear her voice one last time, she is slipping away. I am devastated. I can fix most things be it a car or a washing machine yet I am powerless over the evil spectre of cancer. I cannot fix her.
I come home the house is empty, Charlie our golden retriever is always looking for her he knew and has not been far from her as I cared for her at home on my own. My daughter is also suffering as I but it is myself that have been her carer these last few weeks of her life and that empty house, the loss I already feel inside me is awful. I feel as if I have lost my reason to be here she was everything to me and the pending loss is overwhelming me. I thought I was strong but I am weak. I had planned on me passing first and Lesley spending her old age in a rose covered cottage watching her grandson grow up. She will miss her daughters wedding in December she will miss so much. I miss her already. The turn from chatty lady to sleeping princess came so quickly.
you have probably gathered I am pretty sad. Just wondering how to cope now I am losing my soul partner. Thanks for reading … sorry if I have waffled on. I have no one to talk to. I need to let these emotion go and cry but I don’t seem to be able to.
what can I do?
@Setch - my friend, we have got you. We have got you here at Sue Ryder. Firstly, she knows you love her. She knows you love her. 100%. She is strong. You are strong. Your bond is tight now and that will never change. We are with you, ok? We understand. My husband died in January and I have found huge support here. Keep posting if you can. If you can’t - as I haven’t been able to do for a while - know that this community is with you. Draw strength from our love. Take a breath. And know that Lesley knows you love her. And she will be with you through this and always, even if she cannot speak to tell you. Hold tight, my friend. I promise you, it will be ok and your connection with Lesley and your love, will endure. We are with you. Hold on. x
just to hear those words. Thank you.I feel dwarfed by the enormity of this wall ,built of grief that is in front of me. She would not thank me for being weak. she would say Pull yourself together and crack on… I smile at the memory of those words.
She never suffered fools well. I am going to hold her hand in St Lukes for an hour or two. Tell her I love her and I am there.
You know this lady of mine was working until just a few weeks ago. Full time a little powerhouse of energy, to see her now is gutting.
Thanks for the love it has touched me and for a brief moment the tears came, they need to come out!
I just remember the day we met for the first time, so long ago but the memory was so clear and she was so beautiful. I will keep that one next to my heart.
Mate I’ve been in your very position almost 6/weeks ago. My wife had 12 months of unrelenting bladder cancer and slipped away at peace 31st May .
We too have a dog , my stepson .Mandy was 51 , my everything, my love , my life. We totally got each other.
In the first week I was an utter mess , you will be but I got on straight away with the help of her sister with the formalities, the practical stuff.It helped me enormously.
You could feel the hurt and pain for a long time yet , everyone is different, I’m coping now , a sudden realisation came over me and I felt she was with me earlier this week , can’t explain, it was like I’d accepted everything and knew I had to start my life again without her wether I liked it or not .
Good days are not crying , I feel guilty I don’t cry as much, it’s all very normal to have these feelings .
Just take it easy , don’t rush into decisions like I did and regretted them straightaway , in fact keep away from making decisions. Keep posting on here , it really helps, get involved, tell us your emotions.
Almost everyone on here is going through similar things . It really does get better if you let it
Your situation sounds so much like what I’ve recently been through. I’m a problem solver but I couldn’t save my wife from cancer, I could only be with her and watch her during the months she spent going down hill and was with her to the end. I envy you, you are fortunate right now that your wife is still alive, even if sleeping or sedated. You can still see her and be with her. Nothing prepares you for the shock when the one you love dies and is gone forever. Getting through the funeral is the first big milestone, after five weeks I feel traumatised, I want her back so much, I would give or do anything but there is no way it can happen.
@Setch I am so sorry you are going through this. I went through the same 2weeks ago when I watched my husband slip away. I had to be brave for him even though I felt I would die with him.
I am at home with my dog and cat but otherwise alone waiting for the funeral on Monday.
The people here are so kind and will support you through this very sad time
My thoughts are with you
Jen
Thank you all so much for your support I wish you all well and I hope we all find a path out of the emotional turmoil we face.
Lesley is slipping away a little a day . I am trying to get things straight in my head. When at home the day before she went into st Luke’s she would have periods of being awake although not quite the proud strong lady she was. But still with us. Now she is hooked up to a syringe driver which pumps relaxing and pain killers into her automatically. She’s not awake at all. Sleeping she looks peaceful but I was not expecting that. I was expecting some time to speak to her and hold her hand and maybe a last game of scrabble ( she usually wins) but she is just laying there now and I think she has just given up now she is in a place where that can care for her and she as she told me is not a burden to me.That was never the case. I would have carried on caring for her at home as long as I could.
I asked a question which has not been answered … Lesley told me if she was not in too much pain she would want to be awake. If she was in lots of pain she would want to be asleep. She was in pain and felt anxious so they gave her the meds and put her to sleep. I was not there at the time. Now I am feeling awful as they now have the pain and anxiousness under control that she cannot be asked how the pain is. Maybe she would want to wake up and have the pain controlled… I don’t know I think it’s me being selfish and not being able to talk to her, her sleep is deep she can hear me I hope but her hand is just limp and unresponsive.
Maybe I just don’t want her to slip away like this. I know it’s the cancer, I know she was given just six weeks I know it’s inevitable that she will pass.
After 28 years I know I have a fear of being alone. I don’t want her to go, Maybe I am just not being rational at the moment … It’s so hard for me. I whispered in her ear and read her a little poem I wrote I have told her it is okay to let go…I just wanted a little response a squeeze of my hand a little smile in her sleep… something to know she heard me.
Bless you all keep coping as best you can and thank you for your comforting words.
One of the most difficult thoughts i have to deal with is that the role of men in a relationship is to protect our partners from everything that life throws at them. Penny died of heart failure, and in hindsight, maybe if I had spotted the signs earlier, she could have been saved. We are good at beating ourselves up, aren’t we?
She hung on a week in hospital, and what i learnt was that there was almost certainly no realistic chance of saving her, despite herculean efforts from the hospital.
After 3 months, i still haven’t fully forgiven myself that I can’t work miracles, but I will in time.