My mam passed away just over two yrs ago. I’m still finding it very difficult to process and accept it. Everything about it was wrong. Hospital issues/funeral / / things I should’ve done. Virtually everything surrounding it was wrong. People not listening. I cannot get past it all. Too much to go into detail. The overwhelming feeling of loss is with me everyday. Hard to take she was always there.
Sorry to hear things are so bad for you.
I’m trying to let go of the worst memories. But just had the first anniversary, which set me back again.
I feel I didn’t care properly for my mum and she didn’t get what she needed, and suffered too much. Everything after just happened and I felt not in control of it. But I was luckier, with her vicar making the funeral as good as it could be in Covid. But her sister couldn’t be there or my cousins. Her will hasn’t been sorted, I’ve become ill and won’t be able to work. Whenever something happens I go to talk to my mum about it, but she’s not her and she was my closest friend. I just feel so vulnerable without her. It’s like the world has moved on and nobody cares.
It’s so hard to deal with. Most of the time I blank it out completely and just try and get on with jobs/ work and I’ve tried to get more interests.
That overwhelming grief won’t go I just fight it.
I just try to think I’m not alone there’s millions of people the same.
There’s no other way you have to keep positive.
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You have just described my life lately and it’s no consolation probably but it is if some comfort to know I’m not alone feeling like this.
Spread my mums ashes today which was surreal and strangely feel quite calm about it.
Will take one day at a time 
Take care of yourself,
Suzanne