Losing my mind with helplessness and grief

My mum is suffering from ESLD. She has a very limited time left - weeks at best I guess. She has been ill for many years but has been suffering greatly over the last 2 months. I am not able to be with her - she is on the other side of the world and all borders are shut, with a two week quarantine to face if they open…

My family here, my husband and children, have watched me retreat into this world where I am only waiting for news from home, or praying or crying. I have been totally selfish, withdrawn and consumed - wondering if today will be the day. I’ve gone from hysterical grief, to coping and now to depression over the last 8 weeks or so and I feel like I’ve gone mad. Covid 19 has stopped me from travelling to my mom and being practical and helping her. With schools shut, my children also have nowhere to escape my sadness and I have little to distract myself with.

I’m trying to keep my mind together but I am failing and feel like I have lost the plot. I don’t want to start any medication, I don’t think that will help in the short term, and this situation is not long term. It’s so hard to know my mom is suffering and I can’t do anything to help her…and my mind is making me neglect my family here. I feel so sad for them too, but I can’t snap out if this grief, that isn’t quite grief yet!?!

Hi Dolly, I can feel for you and the situation you are in, not being able to visit your mum will be tearing you apart and I am sure your family know how hard it is for you. Lockdown has not made anyone’s life easy and travel restrictions have made such an impact. I can understand why you think you are failing but honestly if you are, can anyone blame you, it’s your mum and if she lived just around the corner you would want to be there, as it is you are tearing yourself apart. You are right regarding medication only if there’s no other way would be how I think about it. Don’t close yourself of, talk to you husband and let the children know how you feel, they may surprise you because they love you and that is one big thing you need right now. Big cuddles and hugs goes a long way to making the world seem better. The only other thing I can say is use technology as much as possible because our sons live abroad and without it we would be lost. Even if your mum cannot use it, there will be others around who can help, it’s better than nothing. Keep posting and I hope over the coming days you may feel a little better but don’t blame yourself for how you feel, it’s natural. I will be thinking about you, bless you. S xx