Losing my mom ten years ago

Hi, I just wanted to post something as it’s coming up to the tenth anniversary of my wonderful mother passing away. She passed an away on May 3rd 2013 and I know this particular anniversary will be really difficult. I’m ok most of the time but this year has been extra hard as I’ve not long had a major operation. Unfortunately I’ve had to deal with all the stress and anxiety that comes with that by myself, as my family aren’t what you’d call supportive. So what with that and the anniversary of my mother’s passing I’ve been feeling really sad and depressed. Also it’s not long since it was the 9th anniversary of my dad passing away, as he died only eight months after my mother. He passed away January 26th 2014 so I’d hardly had time to grieve for my mother, when my dad passed away too. What made it worse was that they both died in the same hospital in almost identical circumstances. I felt like I was in a living nightmare, plus I was going through a couple of serious health issues at the same time, so it was a really tough time. I miss both my parents every day and sometimes if I’ve had a particularly bad day I can just cry and cry for the mom and dad I’ll never see again. I’ve had to become strong and get used to dealing with things with either little or no support, but this tenth anniversary will be an extremely difficult day. I’ve also got the anniversary of her funeral on the 20th May and then six days later it’s my 57th birthday, so May is always a very bittersweet month for me. I’m an only child, so I’ve no one to help me through this difficult time. I shall be thinking about my lovely mom next Wednesday and wishing with all my heart that she was here with me. These last few weeks have been doubly hard, as I’ve had to deal with all the stress of a major operation and oh how I wished my parents had been here. I know everyone’s grief journey is different and I’ve had people tell me I should’ve got over it by now and that makes me feel so angry, because you never ever just get over it, you learn to live with the pain, but you don’t get over something as life changing as losing both parents. Why should I be made to feel guilty for grieving, even after ten years my grief still hits me like a freight train every so often. I know the online community knows what I’m going through and just being able to share my experiences really helps. For anyone who’s lost a parent my heart goes out to you, as the pain is unbearable. Take care everyone.
Jayne 66 Xx

7 Likes

I’m so for such grief you live with. No one really knows until they lose a key person in their life forever. The permanent of it all is what still baffles me. I don’t see how dad can just be gone.

2 Likes

Hello Jayne, ive just joined this forum and have posted my fist post, a not unsimilar post to yours, and wanted to reach out to you and tell you I feel your pain and I understand. It was my mums anniversary on Friday, 14 years since she died. I have been in tears most of the holiday weekend. I lost my dad to cancer when i was 12 and then my sister when i was 24. Then it was me and mum for a long time and we really depended on each other and were very close. Her death was the last straw. I met my husband around that time and got married a few years later. I recently left him as it became so unhappy and it felt like he just didnt want me in his life anymore. I have no one else, a few cousins I never see and who seem not to care about me. It hurts so much and I feel so alone and sad. We couldnt have children and this causes me so much pain as im now in my fifties and that chance is gone. I feel so exhausted and dont know which direction my life is going. I can tell you that I miss my family as much today as I did then and anyone who says you ’ should be over it by now’ doesnt know what theyre talking about. Your life is forever altered and you somehow have to try and find a way of living with this new reality that you did not choose.

2 Likes

Hi Snow,
I’ve just read your post, I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through such pain, I know myself how hard grief is and I just wanted to say, you’re definitely not alone in the way you’re feeling. As I said in my post, everyone’s journey through grief is individual to them, but I think we all share a common bond, in that it’s incredibly painful and difficult to come to terms with. The tenth anniversary of my mothers death was a very difficult day and like you I have a family that’s indifferent towards me, which makes things so much harder to deal with, but I’ve resigned myself to the fact that they’ll never change and so I have to just ‘get on with things’. I’m so sorry that your marriage didn’t work out and that you never had the chance to have children. I unfortunately have never been married and have had to have an hysterectomy operation, which although I didn’t want children, did make me feel sad when it was recommended to me, as I think when you lose that part of you, you feel somehow less feminine. I know that might sound a bit ridiculous, as I’ve been through the menopause, but I still got the feeling that I was less of a woman. I would like to thank you for sharing your feelings with me, I only wish I could offer something more than just words. I’m always here if you need someone to offload onto, as I’ve been through and are still going through my own grief journey, as well as facing some difficult life situations, so please feel free to send me a message whenever you feel the need to. Please take care of yourself.
Lots of love
Jayne xxx

Hi Jayne, thank you for your message. It sounds very hard to deal with. Its not ridiculous at all- I was also offered a hysterectomy and turned it down because I couldnt bear the finality of it. Im going through the menopause and its shocking! I cant have HRT because of health…if id had the hysterectomy i could have it so I have to grit my teeth about that one. Sometimes i wish id just had the operation and be done with it. My friends who are on hrt seem to be having a great time ! I honestly think the menopause is making everything 20 times worse and intensifying the feeling very weepy , tired depressed, irritable and anxious. How are you finding it? X

1 Like

Hi Snow,
I’m so sorry you’re going through such a tough time with the menopause. I had an horrendous time all through the perimenopause and then the menopause and I’m still getting hot flushes now, plus I get mood swings, although I’m not entirely sure the mood swings and anxiety is all down to the menopause, as friends have told me that having major surgery can cause you to be anxious etc, etc. I did ask my consultant about HRT but as I’d been through my menopause about six years ago, he told me that I wouldn’t need it. Unfortunately I had no alternative but to have a hysterectomy, as last year I experienced some post menopausal bleeding and after being referred to my local hospitals gynaecology department, they found out that I’d got various issues, the main one being thickening of the lining of the womb, which if left could’ve turned into cancer. Also in March this year, I had a really bad episode of bleeding which made the operation needed all the more. Although it’s a major operation, I’m so glad I’ve had it done, I was only in hospital for a couple of days and now I’m in the recovery process. My surgeon came and saw me after the operation and said it’d gone really well, and he didn’t find anything that concerned him. That’s my experience and obviously it’s personal to me, but all I can say is, I feel so much better after having it done. I’m still getting hot flushes and some menopausal symptoms, but at least I know that I won’t have to worry about anything turning nasty. I must admit, I was surprised at just how many women have had a hysterectomy, apparently it’s one of the commonest and safest operations you can have. I was so apprehensive about having it, but I’m so glad I did and it wasn’t half as bad as I expected it to be, but as I say that’s my personal experience and I’d never tell anyone to either have it, or not have it done, everyone’s got to make their own choice. My perimenopause lasted over ten years and I went through every possible symptom, bar a very few, that it could throw at me. It was a really miserable and stressful time, especially as it coincided with the death of both parents, so you can imagine the stress I was going through at the time. Thankfully I did manage to get through it, although I’ve absolutely no idea how.:triumph::triumph::triumph: I don’t want to say that because I got through things everyone else can, cause I say again, everyone’s journey is different, but maybe by telling you my experience, it may help you with yours. Please feel free to message me anytime, I’ll always reply, you’re not alone.:slightly_smiling_face:
Lots of love​:sparkling_heart::heartpulse:
Jayne xxxx🙂

1 Like

Hi Jayne thanks for your reply. It soundslike that was the best thing for you. I dont know if they would offer me the operation now as the fibroids i have have shrunk a lot since going through menopause. I still have a cyst on my ovary and the gyn said it probably is there to stay but he wasnt overly concerned about it. But he recommended i dont take hrt because I still have them. Ive been taking vitamin supplements and have just ordered a batch of tablets from Dr. Vegan so hope they do the trick. I honestly feel quite unwell with it sometimes, as well as exhausted, stiffjoints, really irritable at times. I was back at work today and it was lovely to see the children ( im a teacher) but exhausting too! Was nice to talk to colleagues and after work took my wee dog for walk in park. Was lovely sunny evening and that lifted my spirits too :blush: Amazing how these things can change my mood. Id imagine youre still off work after your surgery? You need to rest up after that xx

1 Like

Hi Jayne back at work again today. Could hardly move from my bed this morning. Felt like i was sleepwalking. Came in and shouted at one of the children for something then felt terrible. I cant face the staffroom this morning. Been told to cover classes again this afternoon…happening a lot and means i cant get on with the things i need to do for my job. Very frustrating. I had to hand my wee dog back this morning to my husband before work and i could hardly look at him after he was so cold on Friday. When he’d asked me what was wrong ( i was visibly upset) i said it was mums anniversary and as usual he didnt say anything. I messaged him later in the day and he didnt reply. Im so fed up and hurt being shut out. So i was quite short with him today. Drove off and left them both on the pavement staring after me. Feel like theres no point in anything and very alone again. I miss my family so much and wish more than anything I could drive over to my mums or see my sister. Thank you for your understanding and your sympathy. It means a lot to me. Very few people understand what its like. It sounds like we have very similar symptoms of menopause and health…the hot flushes are the worst. I wish could just tear my clothes off … not very practical. :smile:
Just being able to say what youre really thinking and feeling on here, really helps. Thanks again for being here and i hope you start to recover from your surgery and feel a bit better. Are you able to get out yet, or still in the house? X

1 Like