Losing my mom to cancer - i miss her so very mucb

Losing a parent
1

Hello,

Mom and I had a very close relationship together. We are only 2 siblings, my brother who is 6 years older is living in another country.

My mom was widowed when she was 35 and my dad passed away when he was only 32 brain hemorrage i was only 3 years old at that time. Since then my relationship with her became very close we shared the same bedroom till the age 18. My mom sacrificed her life bringing us up. She was generous caring and had a big heart. It was not an easy life for her but she tried to make the best out of it. And she did. She was never selfesh. Writing this makes my heart ache even more and cannot stop crying.

After i graduated from high school she was very supportive of me and i had difficult times making a decision. Until after some time i decided to leave home and study in the US. Mom had her life with her friends and i had mine. Later i graduated and worked abroad for total of 9 years incl study.

After that i returned home and in 2007 she had a back surgery which was not up to her expectations and my relationship with her became even stronger ever since

We had our ups and downs since we were very close living under one roof. . But i loved and cared for her alot. She too even more.

Ofcourse she used the wheelchair the last 6 years of her life. And i made sure i am the one who always took care of her l, i bathed her i some times feed her because her hands were shaking a lot.

Until in Nov 20th 2021 everything changed to the worst after having since July previous to this last incident many health turbelances filled with pain which she had to go to the emergency many times but without proper diagnoses poor soul.

So in NOV 20th 2021 at age 85 and am
53 . The pain was soo much she could not bear and they discovered a thrombosis on the liver caused by an underlying tumors in the liver. It was advanced and terminal !!! I was all alone and non of the family was there to support me. So i absorbed the terrible and tormenting news all alone. And my anticipated bereavement started right there. She was admitted to hospital and for the next seventy days the journey of torture and suffering started there i stayed 24/7 with here and my experience in the hospital room and her pains i cant list here because i would need 100 pages to explain.

I feel depressed and guilty and regret for putting her through so much and not making the right decision.

Ever since i cannot get over the fact that i lost her, although her age she had a very active mind and was very witty and smart and had a say about things and was managing her own home. So her place is really empty and its very hard to be here when she is not. I miss her sooo very much. I love her and cannot imagine my life without her.

I have much more to say but i dont have the energy to write even more.

1 Like
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Hello, how dreadful and what a lot both you and your mum have been through. I can’t say how sorry I am because words are not enough. It’s heartbreaking to loss your mum under any conditions and we never know what is to come so we make decision on what we have at the time. Please don’t feel guilty because I am sure your mum won’t want you to feel guilty, she want you to go head and enjoy the rest of your life knowing that she had to go, grieving is personal and everyone feels different. Take life slowly but remember the good memories. Writing about how you feel really does help and we on this site are always there for you. S xx

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Thank you Sue for your supportive words. Bad thoughts seems to always supersedes good thoughts. Her suffering still bothers me. Her kind heart to the family even during her stay in hospital she was sending them from home their favorite dishes. Its just so heart breaking how they treated her including my brother.

I just cant get over many hurtful memories. I could have done better to protect her and give her more comfort during these bad and most difficult and final moments. :cry::cry::cry::cry:

4

I was just reading a ten year old diary of mine where I was taking care of my mom and dad. I thought I had it rough. I wanted to continue to be a reporter in L.A. I was biding my time.

Now, I would give anything to return to those caregiving days, days I considered tedious and sometimes dreary.

I sold the house unable to live there after their passing. Now I would give ANYTHING to go back.

I tell you this because it is human nature. And it can be terrible. You are not alone and I do understand so well. my mom suffered when she died at 93. I was 54 … or so. It was all a blur.

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5

Hello Berit ,

I completely understand. A mothers love can never be replaced.

Finding life without her in it is very hard. Few months prior her death, She had plans to buy new things for the house and renovate i even have the list written in my wallet. So sad she did not get to do them. She loved her house and when she was in the hospital i asked her dont u miss your home. She says i hate and i hate the naiborhuud. . It was soi hurtful to hear this when i knew how cherished her house. But i guess from the pain and hurt she was feeling that way.

I ove her sooo very much and get over the fact that she went through sooo much pain before her death and that she is not around any more. :cry::pleading_face::pensive::cry::pensive:

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I so know it. she said that about the home, you are right, out of anger.

and maybe she did feel that, our feelings colored by perception.

I am so sorry. I find it hard to go on, too.

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after a few years, we must also address our lives though … because as a TED talk pointed out, life changes quickly so better to meet it ---- when we are able.