Losing my mum after only 6 weeks.

Coping with bereavement
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I lost my mum a month ago. I’m 25.

She was diagnosed at the end of June with terminal cancer (Liver and esophageal), it seemed to have been discovered quite late and treatments were more about symptom management at that stage. I am part of an extremely close family ( my parents and my two siblings) My mother was 56, she had suffered mobility issues for the last 17 years so although we are used to her being generally unwell and caring for her - this is a totally different situation. I can’t believe that only 6 weeks after we found out - she passed away.

She had a stroke two weeks after her diagnosis, so the last month of her life was spent in hospital and then in a hospice. I am grateful for how wonderful the hospice were and we all managed/were allowed to stay with her 24/7 right until the end. When my mum passed it was 01:40 in the morning and we were all there right by her side, I was holding her hand.

Since then I have had waves of emotions - but often just feel numb and have no enthusiasm for anything. I have had a pain/heaviness in my chest most days like a bad chest infection, sometimes it feels like I can’t breathe so I go outside for some air. But it never really goes away it just varies in intensity- it feels a bit like having lump in your through when you’ve been crying

I was always extremely close to my mum, this is the longest I’d ever gone without talking to her, I lived 300ish miles away and we used to speak on the phone 2-3 times a day and facebook message during the day too… I am so so painfully aware of her absence but it just feels so strange now, I don’t know what I expected it would feel like but I just feel either totally empty or deeply sad.

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Hi missymelissy

I’m So sorry to hear about your Mum. Everything you have said makes complete sense, like you I am feeling very numb and have lost the love for everything. Walking our dog was one of the few things I really got something out of, now it’s just a feeling of something I have to do.
I’m so glad that you are a close family and you have each other no matter how hard it might get.
We are all in the same boat on here and the support we get from each other is a real comfort.

It’s good to hear from you and also brave for putting your story out there. Come in anytime if you need to talk, moan or anything else.

Nick
X

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I do really feel for you I am only just finding my feet again after losing my mom in may just gone ,it’s the hardest thing ever we were very close together all the time was treated with 6 rounds of chemotherapy,that was hard and emotionally draining,then the cancer returned and I stayed with her 24/7 in hospital for 9 days ,it has been very hard ,I’m under the doctor now because I did go into depression,but I have started to feel more in control just lately,my thoughts are with you draw on all the positive things of you and your mom ,I do feel for you and your not alone ,this is a good site xxx

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Dear missmelissy

I lost my mum coming up 5 weeks ago. She was 55. (I’m 26). I am so very sorry for the loss of your mum. I just wanted to say that you’re not alone. I definitely relate to the loss of enthusiasm and motivation to do things. Also the physical pain - in your neck/throat/chest.

I’m at the point where it feels mum has gone somewhere for a while. I’ve not spoken to her for a while, I’ve not seen her face for over a week now. I totally get the “empty” feeling. Someone who is a massive part of your life, suddenly not there to visit or speak or chat to. :frowning:

Thank you for sharing with us. I don’t mean for this to sound insensitive, but it sounds like a lovely way for your mum to pass, surrounded by those she loved the most. Have you any family or friends that have been there for you? I’ve found it of some comfort to talk to other people who can relate to what I’ve experienced. Those who haven’t lose a parent or someone very dear just don’t seem to “get it”.

All I can say, is that I’ve found easier with time, and easier since mum’s funeral. I still feel a bit in limbo but no other option but to keep going and trying to do so with a smile. How are you doing today? Have you read anything that’s been able to bring you any comfort? Take care

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I’m so very sorry for your loss.
I can relate to everything that you say, and I think most people here will also agree. Losing your mum is the worst thing in the world.

My mum went from being fit and healthy to having stage 4 cancer, almost overnight. It was such a huge shock, I was just reeling. I didn’t cope well with it all, and ended up with a stress related illness myself. I couldn’t cope with the thought that I’d lose my mum. Initially we were told mum had only a few weeks, but were lucky that she responded to a miracle drug and we had three months. But her condition deteriorated very quickly at the end, and it was a huge shock to lose her when she had been in a stable condition.

But I think that it is really hard, because I never really had time to come to terms with the diagnosis before I lost my mum. I still find it hard to believe that she is gone. I walk into my parents house and expect to see her. I’ve nearly called/text/messaged her so many times.

There are times that it hurts so much, physically I’m in pain and I can’t stop crying. But I know that all of these reactions are normal. We all have to deal with our grief in our own way.

The only advice I can offer is to acknowledge that you are grieving, and not let people tell you what you should or shouldn’t do or feel.

I try to be thankful that my mum knew how much we all loved her, and that she didn’t suffer. I try to think of the positive things. And when I can’t, I let myself cry and be sad and I don’t beat myself up about it.

I hope that reading these posts and writing will help you a little bit, even if it’s just to know that you’re not alone in how you feel.

Sending you lots of love,
Lisa xx

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Hi Melissa

I’m so very sorry for your loss of your precious Mum. I lost my Mum suddenly almost 3 months ago and it’s been the hardest/worst time of my life. I can’t really advise you as I’ve struggled through this time so much too and I’m still crying every single day. I just miss her so much:(

But please know there are people here who know what you’re going through, myself included who you can share your thoughts/rants/anger (because they’ve all happened to us) or anything else with.

Take good care

Sending hugs

Xxxx

Wendy

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It is the hardest thing ever I have all my moms belongings around me they smell of her ,I had my mom with me for 8 years so to my children it was like losing a parent ,they are grieving to especially my 10 yr old girl ,she has just broken down lots crying for nan ,it’s awful so very hard my thoughts are with you all ,it’s good to have a site like this so no one is on their own xx

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Thank you so much everyone for your replies, I am so sorry that we are in this situation, but I am very grateful to you for sharing your experiences. It has been so helpful.

It has been 6 weeks since my mum died- I wish writing that felt less like a lie- but it all still feels like this last 12 weeks since we found out she was ill, has been some sort of a dream. It doesn’t feel real even though I am painfully aware that it is very real.

I’m going to stay with my dad again for 10 days, so I think it will be good to spend some time with family again, we also need to scatter my mums ashes. I had hoped that after the funeral I would feel a bit more like it had sank in a bit but it didn’t- and I am worried that even after scattering I might feel the same as I do now. Just empty and sad.

I am not sure what I expected to feel but I imagined falling totally to pieces, so I have some guilt that circumstances has meant I needed to come back to my flat for a bit and I needed to work, it feels a bit like I’m not doing what I’m " supposed to" - whatever that is, because I don’t actually know. Things have just carried on- which I never imagined, I know that is unrealistic but I guess I feel like I’ve “stopped” in so many ways that I am surprised that other things haven’t.

I’m worried that at some point I’m going to “crash” and I will fall to pieces.

Once again, thank you for your replies- it has meant a lot.

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Hi Missmelly

Bereavement is a really personal journey. Sometimes I worry about how I feel too. Sometimes I feel bad for not crying when I think about mum. I worry that by keeping myself so busy, i’m just distracting myself from the truth/reality that mum has gone. I wonder when it will sink in too, and what it will be like if/when it does. I just feel like I’m “waiting” for it to sink it or feel real, but it never comes.

How are you doing this week? I’m glad that you’re going to spend time with family. I found it really good not to be on my own too much in the early weeks. I feel like I’m ok to be alone now, but I don’t live alone, so I’m never long without company which I’m very thankful for.

The first couple of weeks I tried really hard to keep work going. I then took a week off for mum’s funeral, the next week i didn’t do much, and the week after i went on holiday (!) I’ve come back from all of that feeling a bit more distant from everything but also ready to work again (so, about 6 weeks after mum passed). At first I felt really bad for not working, mum was constantly telling me to go home and study! So i tried to do that, because that was what she wanted me to do. Thing is - It wasn’t what was best for me! I was writing nonsense, I just couldn’t focus on the text I was writing.

I 100% get the “doesn’t feel real” thing and I still find myself saying it now, 6 weeks on. I feel bad/guilty for saying it, and I wonder whether people thing I’m saying it for attention or for show or something, or just as another way to bring her up again… but there’s something about the absence of mum that doesn’t feel final. It doesn’t feel real that I am literally never, ever going to see her again - but that’s actually the reality. I’ve seen her a couple of times in my dreams, which has been a bit weird, and before mum dying I’d have 100% said it’s nonsense, but it just felt too real and now I’m clinging on to my vivid dreams as some sort of evidence that mum can communicate with me … aka, I’m not letting go of her… When i look at pictures of her, it’s initially like, yay, a photo! And then it’s like being hit by a bus, and you realise that looking at photos or videos is the only way you’ll see her again. I feel like I have good days and bad days. I’m fine, unless I come here and talk about mum, and then it gets difficult. Although I talk about mum, and that “mum has died”, I feel like “died” just means, gone away for a while, not permanently.

Does any of this make any sense to anyone else? how are you all doing?

Take care of yourselves. x

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I lost my mum just over 2 months ago and I feel lost she had Alzheimer’s for the last 10 years and what was so upsetting was that after suffering for all those years it wasn’t that that caused her death she fought on and we were losing her bit by bit I was so close to her and can’t believe she’s gone I lost interest in everything life had no meaning I’ve gone back to work this week and even though I work in the hospital that mum died in I’m slowly improving having said that it’s my birthday tomorrow first one since not looking forward to it but it’s the first milestone for me to cross