I lost my mum to cancer on 23rd July. I live 300 miles away so didn’t see her all the time but spoke on a daily basis. I was with her at the end with my dad and brother which I will be grateful for forever. She was only 68 and we were told we had a year left with her but 10 days later she was gone. She asked me to be strong when she went and I promised her that I would be and was throughout the funeral as well. I thought that I would start to grieve after the funeral but can’t seem to accept that she’s gone and am getting angry when I can’t talk to her. I know everyone deals differently with loss and grief but I’m wondering if anyone has had the same sort of just numbness and not really accepting it.
Thank you for reading my post
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Hi, I’ve come on here because it’s 02.00am and as usual I can’t sleep!
We have been told my Mum has less than 3 months to live and I feel like I’m going through the mourning process already.
I feel like I’m able to sit with her now without constantly crying so that’s an achievement in its self but I think I will be like you.
I feel very numb and I don’t think I will ever get over this.
In fact I have a tear running down my cheeks whist I write this.
I have spoken to lots of people that have lost their parents and they’ve said Michelle you won’t ever get over it, you just learn to cope with it.
They’ve said you have to take baby steps, each min, each hour, each day and soon you’ll realise you’ve had a week where you haven’t cried.
Then something will hit you and you’ll feel right back in the moment.
I feel like this for me is torture at the moment as 11 years ago my Mum was diagnosed with breast cancer and their was always hope after she had a lumpectomy and she was in remission until 2 years ago when she was complaining of back pain and it was then after months of complaining I eventually rang her gp (who was on holiday) so we spoke with the duty dr and I pushed for them to do a scan which unfortunately revealed it was in my Mums spine. They then went on to do a full body scan and found out it was in her breast and lungs.
After having various types of treatment (the last being Chemotherapy) we said no more!!
She got so poorly and we thought what is the point putting her through this, the cancer is bad enough but chemotherapy was just horrendous (we wanted mum to at least have as much quality life if possible towards the end)
5 weeks ago she was acting strange, very constipated and wanted to go but couldn’t but this was every 20mins so my poor Dad was up and down taking her to the toilet (so exhausting for them both)
After 3 nights of practically no sleep I said I’d sleep if with my Mum so he could get a good nights sleep and it was just after midnight she had a seizure whilst next to me.
I phone for a ambulance which was all very traumatic and she went in and they ran further tests which showed the cancer has now gone to her brain and like I said before we have now on weeks left.
I went on here with the hope that I will get through this as I’m struggling right now and seeing your post fills me with dread as you obviously are finding it hard still.
Although but what you have said it is still very early days.
I have had to get used to not ringing my Mum almost every other day which has been tough, I used to phone her on the way to work without fail! We’d talk for 20ish minutes (which I will treasure) time away from the daily chores and time to just talk about nothing in particular which was always nice as we both like to talk.
Obviously I’m not where you are yet but all I can think right now is I know I will be grateful for what I have had with my Mum.
Some people never get to have a Mum that looks after them and loves them (some have a Mum but she’s not the Mum they would have chosen for themselves)
Let us be thankful we have memories if nothing else.
I hope like me you will have happy thoughts and times where you we laugh and cry about things she did.
Let’s be thankful for that!
I know there will be times I’m bitter people still have their Mum when I don’t, I’m sure of that but I hope I will be happy for them in time (not right now!)
I know I’ve gone on but I too feel I’ve needed to get things off my chest so sorry for the long reply!
Just wanted you also to know where I’m at.
I’m also a hairdresser which I definitely think has helped me as I talk to people every day about their lives and mine to and talking is such a healer!
Don’t ever be afraid to talk and cry (my poor clients! I’ve cried with them, some haven’t cried in years but are crying with me now)
Anyone that has gone through what you are right now will know the pain you feel (well that’s if they are lucky to have had the love like you have)
I really hope the numbness fades for you and you’re able to grieve as it is definitely a way for the body to cope.
Grief will catch you when you least expect it!
Get a favourite flower or plant and put it in your garden so you have a place for just the two of you, I’ve planted a cutting my Mum gave me and I’m going to cherish that!
I will talk to her in my head or out loud and kiss her photo.
She will always be with me, her spirit will always be there just not the vessel she travelled in.
I still feel my Grandads presence to this day, I don’t care if people think I’m barmy it helps me get through my day!
I still kiss a photo of my Grandad and say good morning (I know he watches over me)
We were very close also, it was my Mums Dad ( heart of gold )
Find whatever vice you have to to get through this but don’t ever feel you can do this on your own because that is what other people are there for to help you.
Never go through it on your own!
I’m here if you need to talk any time, be aware I so go on lol!
Sending virtual hugs!!
Hi All. Never apologise for the length or shortness of a message. This site is about unloading and it’s a godsend.
There is no differentiation between any sort of grief whether it be son daughter father mother or any other member of the family. Many grieve for lost friends. We can often love our friends as we do relatives.
Michelle, I went through that. My wife was just getting worse and I could see the end coming. I often wonder how we cope at such times, but all the time they are there and still with us I suppose we still hope.
I agree, they are still with us and often their presence can be felt. And it’s normal to feel angry and often bitter. Why? Why us? There is no answer to that as yet. We need to accept what is happening and not fight or struggle with the emotions.
Acceptance is difficult, but eventually it does help. I know, and I don’t doubt you have been told this hunfderds of times, but it takes time.
The numbness is the initial shock. Our brains are so constructed as to protect us from emotional pain. But eventually it does come out. What you are both going through is a trauama. Of a different sort but just as painful.
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And again it published before I had finished!
I’m so glad you found this site. You will get help here, and maybe later some comfort.
Take care. Blessings.
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Hello I’m sorry you are going through a terrible time. It has taken me a very long time to accept my mum has gone. I went around in a daze and it’s quite normal. I felt like I was watching a film around me and I wasn’t part of it. Nothing felt real. Everyone experiences grief differently. I saw Cruse eventually and was told grief is unique to everyone. There is no set time for grieving; it takes as long as it takes. I found people at work briefly sympathetic but then they expected me to get on with my life. Losing someone you love doesn’t work like that. You may find it helpful to go to a bereavement group when you feel ready or you may feel it is not for you. Sending you my love and best wishes xxx
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Wow I can believe how long it’s been since I last posted on here and I apologise I hadn’t read any of the responses to my post.
To be honest reading back what I wrote feels very bizarre because although I meant every word of what I wrote I don’t actually remember writing all of it.
It is almost like I had an outer body experience and the pain just came out without me realising it, almost a release.
The strange thing is reading what other people write its like the responses could have been from me also, once someone has gone through the pain it’s like you join some sort of club.
People actually get how you feel!
That is so important I think, having someone to talk to that actually gets you.
People that have been there don’t expect you to get over it because they understand it’s not like that and you don’t just get over losing someone you dearly love.
I definitely feel grateful for what I had with my Mum and losing someone you love is obviously the worst but I can honestly say I’m glad I had what I had even if it wasn’t for as long as I would have liked it because in my opinion to have loved and lost is better than to have not loved at all.
Thank you to the people that took the time to reply xx