Losing my mum and dad

I’ve never posted before but having read some messages thought i would try.
My mum died very suddenly in December, just before Christmas. I knew she was poorly and has been visiting her and when I called in on Monday she was unconscious so i called an ambulance. Mum had a brain haemorrhage caused by undiagnosed acute myeloid leukaemia and acute covid and died a few hours later in a&e. It was awful and so shocking. One of my brothers lives 300miles away and so didnt get here in time.
I was close to my mum, she was my best friend and i am so bereft without her. I thought the feelings would become more manageable with time but the pain is so much and i miss her constantly.
My dad also died , just 8 weeks later. He had cancer and was unwell but declined rapidly in the new year. Its odd as they divorced years before but mum going seemed to hit him or maybe thats just what i like to think. I find it hard to think about dad as i am so consumed by the loss of my mum. I don’t know how to manage. I keep plugging on, forcing myself to work and making up stupid things to do at weekends. My husband is amazingly supportive but i feel like I dont know who i am anymore. The messages on here do help me to feel like other people understand as i feel so lonely and am isolating from everyone and I know I’m not very nice to be around. Any advice on how to keep going is appreciated


Hello @Vanessa7,

I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your mum and dad, that must have been very hard for you in such a short time. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.

I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,

Hi Vanessa, reading your post made me feel so sad. I am so sorry for the awful time you have had. There is nothing I can say that will help ease this pain for you. It is going to be very difficult for a very long time. This I know because I too lost my mum and dad last year within eight weeks of each other. It has been the worst year of my life. Like you I have a very supportive family network around me with a great husband and two loving sons and my brother and lots of amazing friends. But nothing compares or comes close to your mum and dad and that is what hurts the most. The first few months I think I was in survival mode. It’s only now at the year mark I feel the enormity of my loss. I have had excellent counselling from Sue Ryder and still do. Although nothing or nobody can take your pain away I do feel my sessions are a safe place to talk openly about how sad I am and scared at times of a life without them both. I know I’ll be ok as I’m a resilient strong person, but god it hurts so much . Xx


Thank you so much for your message, it helps to know that others are out there who understand and helps me to feel less alone. I’m sorry for your losses, the pain is so hard to bear.
I will try counselling as i agree having a safe space to talk would help. I did try through a hospice but found the session rather bruising.
I know it will take time, awful things have happened so its no surprise i feel awful but the reality of grief and loneliness and depression is really tough day to day.
Thanks again for getting in touch and knowing we arent alone here helps enormously.


Hi, losing both your parents so close together is a brutal shock. I lost my Mum in January and like you, have tried really hard to fill my time to ease the sorrow. But after realising that actually my heart wasn’t really in it, I decided to just go with the flow and stop. Obviously I am still going to work, but I have stopped planning and going out to activities and trips that I don’t have the motivation to enjoy at the moment. There’s a sense of relief, just being able to live a simple existence and process the emotions from my grief. I’m sure over time this phase will pass but I am no longer putting pressure on myself to fill the gap. Best wishes xx


Thanks for your message and I’m so sorry for your loss. Mums are the best. It is hard to get motivated to do anything. Work is a struggle as mentally and emotionally I am occupied but I think the routine helps. I only make up silly jobs to do to make me leave the house. I’m hoping for things to get easier, I guess time is the only thing that helps xx

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I just read your thread and was wondering what you meant by finding the counselling bruising? I have had counselling a couple of months ago and felt the same I think.

Hello, I’m sorry to hear you had a similar problem. I found it bruising as I am still feeling very sensitive and the counsellor was very direct and lacking in empathy (to tue point that they asked me why I was crying). The counsellor did say that they have reduced the number of sessions offered, so I think they tried to fast forward the session which didn’t work very well for me!

Yeah I didn’t find it that helpful, my counsellor just kept asking how I was feeling and said that’s understandable when I answered. I get the feeling they struggle with how to deal with it as well. How are you getting on at the minute? Have you found anything else that helps?

I am so sorry for your loss. You just described how I feel, so lonely without my mum and dad. I lost my dad in 2021 and then my mum a year later in 2022. On the whole I have coped quite well, I was with my mum when she died and I accepted what was happening and her death. But now a year on I find myself so lonely without my mum to chat to about everything and my dad too, he just got me like no one else can. I just feel like I have no one to talk to anymore (even though I have a very supportive family and friends). I too am trying to take the kids out etc but I am also not a very nice person to be around. I just want to be able to enjoy life again. It’s like I don’t know who I am anymore as I spent so much time trying to help both of them (they lived 250 miles away) and give my family my time. I guess we need to take it slow and look after ourselves as best we can right now and go easy on ourselves.

I’m sorry for your losses, it is so hard to lose our parents, especially when they have been so loving and supportive. It has shaken my foundations and is such a big adjustment. I think it takes time to learn how to live without them. I try to remember that they would want us to be happy and, in time, I hope that I can start to find some enjoyment. I spontaneously started singing to a song on the radio the other day so there is hope (but no for my singing which is terrible!). It is helpful having this community to know that other people understand and thank you for your message and sharing with me xx

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Thank you for your reply, I am hopeful too that sharing within this community will help. I had a lovely day out with my children today and we saw lots of butterflies, which my mum loved. It is so up and down isn’t it. Today was filled with happy memories but the sad part is I would then have shared photos and called my mum to tell her all about it. Xx

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