Losing my mum and not coping

Hi, I am new here. I live in Spain and my family live in the UK. In November 2018 I got a message from my sister in law to say my mum was in the hospital, she had a tight pain around here stomach, we all expected her to come home that day. Blood tests and bone marrow were taken. At the time my phone was not working. My mum sent a text to say that she had leukaemia and sepsis. I was going away for Xmas but said that I would cancel so I could come and look after her, but she said no, and to have a good holiday. The hospital was treating her with a low dosage of chemo until they knew the strain of leukaemia. This was on a Saturday when she went into the hospital. On Sunday the doctor said that he wanted to speak with my mum, my mum said that she didn’t want to, and to speak with the family. The doctor told the family that the sepsis was throughout her body, and her organs would start to pack in. My family said that my mum wanted to be resuscitated, the doctor said that he could overrule this, and knowing how ill my mum was, it could cause brain damage, we knew that my mum would not want to live like that. So it was decided that it was palliative care she would receive. They was no way that I could get a flight at such short notice, I live out in the sticks and just to get to the UK, it would take a full day. I told my sister in law if anything happened, no matter what time it was to text me. On Monday, my sister in law got a phone call from the hospital to tell her she needed to be there. We knew what this meant, all the family and my mum’s close friends were with her until she took her last breath. I am so consumed in guilt, I should have been with my mum. Was my mum thinking about me… Did my mum know what was going to happen to her, was she scared. Did she fight to live… I just can’t get all of this out of my head.
I stayed at my mum’s house or the funeral. I walked into my mum’s house, looked at the chair she used to sit in and said, hello mum, finally got here. I spoke to her all the time, saying, I’m just going to the shop, good morning, things like that. I saw my mum at the chapel of rest, I told her how much I loved her, that I was sorry I could not get there sooner, I kissed and held her. I did the eulogy and was determined that I would not cry while reading it out, that came once I sat down. I just miss her so much and have so much guilt about not being there for her last breath. I have mental health problems, depression, bipolar and some others. Some days I don’t get dressed, what’s the point. I was very house proud but not anymore, I just can’t be bothered with anything. Inside me, a part has been taken away, I have pain in my body, I know it’s not medical. I just find everything so hard.

Hi ana1

Many of us on this site completely get where you are coming from having also lost our mums.
My mum went into hospital for a routine operation in june. I took her there and arranged to be back the following day. I took a week off work to ensure she didnt lift a finger while she recovered. 3 hours after I left the hospital I got a call which I thought would be to tell me that mum was ok to say hello to in the ward. Instead the phone call was mums surgeon to tell me that mum had suffered a brain hemorrhage in the recovery room. Mum never woke again.
The shock has been tremendous and I am so lost 8 months down the line.
Please dont feel guilty that you werent with her. When mum was in a coma for 24 hours before she died I just couldnt sit with her. I chose to sit in the relatives room. I just couldnt bear to see my mum who a few hours earlier had been joking about when she could have a glass of wine next, lying in a coma unresponsive. My mum always had the last weird in an argument and she couldnt answer me back now. I asked the hospital to turn off her life support and I walked out and drove home.
I spent ages feeling such guilt over this decision but I now realise that my mum wouldn’t have wanted me to see her like that and more to the point wouldn’t have wanted anyone to see her like that.
I have no idea how I have got through, and how I continue to get through but all I know us, I have got through, I am getting through and you will too x

Word not weird

This must have been a massive shock to you. Its something you don’t expect to happen. Sending love to you

Thanks ana…you too

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I am pretty new here to and was with my mum but feel just as guilty that i must have done something wrong and it would have been better for another sibling to have been there. You just cant win. We work with the knowledge we have and of course if youd known what was going to happen youd have been there . If only we had foresight but we dont. I lost mum the week before xmas. She was on a restricted diet and we had a good xmas dinner planned treats for the special day. My presents lie unopened. I was her sole carer and am now alone in her house with her things. I can hardly get out of bed. Dont want to. I feel done. You didnt do anything wrong. You didnt. God bless youx

I think everyone of us can look back and find something we question. We can’t tear ourselves apart over it… but that doesn’t stop us doing it. I keep going over my mum’s last year wondering if I should have watched her health more closely and pushed her to complain about cancelled appointments, the last month wondering if I should have shouted and been more demanding, the last night if I should have stayed they all night with her (I knew in my heart what was happening - although nothing was confirmed until the following morning). Just writing these things makes my heart break, why couldn’t I help her? Why didn’t I help her? What would have happened if I’d done something differently?

There’s nothing I can say to fix your worries, other than you know your mum, you know what she would’ve wanted, and you tell her every day how much you love her and miss her… I do and although in going to be forever broken it helps

So sorry you are suffering. It’s the worst I know. My mum passed last July and I’ve struggled since Roy anxiety, depression phobias. My mum had a very short illness diagnosed with terminal lung cancer and passed 3 weeks later. Like you I wasnt with mum at the end. The one time I went in a bit later to see her and between the phone call and rushing to her shr had already passed. I will forever feel guilty even though kind meaning friends say its nothing to feel guilty about. So it’s pointless saying to you otherwise. In my head I know my mum wouldn’t have wanted me to feel like that. But because you and I loved our mums I guess we will feel like that. As for feelings of what we could have done differently. I struggle too with that. But I guess everything is great in hindsight. Please be kind to yourself. I try but I know it’s so hard. It’s just such a devastating time losing your mum. I had no idea how bad it would be. My thoughts are with you xxxx

I have so many what if’s. Could I have changed the outcome? It’s terrible.
What can we do. Nothing. We just have to accept that they have gone.
I’m just trying to remember the love.
I’m also get very anxious very quickly. I don’t normally have that problem.

If doctors and the hospital couldnt change the outcome for our mums how could we have done?
I think we just have to accept that they reached the end of their natural lives.
I look at photos and text messages of mum from the days and weeks leading up to her death and I think what the hell?
But the insides of our mums were faring much worse than the outsides.

Thank you, everyone, we are all feeling the same way regarding our mums and its terrible. My mum was a person who went out every day, even if it was just to the paper shop. She had a hysterectomy about 4 years ago, I went to help her for 3 weeks, but I had to come home due to me having many animals. The strange thing about this is that it affected her mobility, we as a family don’t know why. She did try to walk and even got a walking frame, but then it just got to the point where she could not walk at all. While I was with her, we arranged for cares to come in and help her, dressing, using the shower and things. My brother and his wife helped her.
For some reason, my mum started getting nasty with the family and friends. Looking back I think the loss of mobility didn’t help, but I am thinking that she was in pain. My mum was not a person who would say anything unless it was something really painful. The last time I was there, I was helping her do housework, washing, changing her bed, just doing things for her. I had been out one day, when I got to my mum’s house, she was nasty and had a proper go at me. I went to my bedroom and just cried, I needed to get out so went to my friend who lives next door to my mum. She calmed me down and said that she could be like that with her. I suffer from mental health, depression being the main one. That night in my bedroom I thought it would be so easy to end my life, I had all my meds but then thought how could I do that in my mum’s house, it just was not right. The next day she apologised and said that she should not have said all those things to me. I told her apologies accepted, it’s done with now. But i made a vow not to go back to the UK, I was really concerned about my mental health. I did speak to her on the phone, but always felt like I was interrupting her from watching TV, it was always pretty much a one-way conversation.
I have gone over all this in my mind, feeling selfish for not going to see her, putting myself first because of my mental health. I just feel so guilty, and guilty that I was not with her when she took her last breath.

My Mum and I had a big argument in the week before she suddenly passed away. Many families have a cycle arguments and them making up. (We did sort of make up, but the air hung over us.)
I too have terrible regrets, guilt and remorse. However, I know we loved each other dearly. We just had a strange way of showing it sometimes.
Concentrate on the love. Your Mum would tell you that all that mattered was the love.
One day we will feel more settled and we will mostly remember the good times.
Take care.

When my Dad passed away my Mother approached his death logically. “She just said there was nothing that could be done. His body got old.”
I think many of us are dealing with shock and trauma. We must all look after ourselves and allow time to pass until we feel better.

I suppose I dont see 74 as old daffy like our mums were.
I think of mid 80s and older as old. I know I would be dealing with this alot better if mum had been 10 years older. I know the loss would still be enormous but I feel that mum would have had some more years to enjoy life, her new sofa and tv, watch her granddaughter become a young woman etc
Having already lost my dad at 53, I feel j deserved a mum that lived to an old age.
I’m sure you feel the same x

I agree Cheryl
74 is still full of life
85+ is pretty old, after that its just bonus years to me. That said, I dont think we should age so rapidly at all - its too short to get enough time out of. A few hundred years is more in line with our brain size I think. Giant turtles get that long.

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Oh ell
There are plenty of people I don’t think should live for hundreds of years!
But I did fully expect my mum to be at least 85. I could see she was deteriorating rapidly in that last 6 months and I remember thinking that perhaps mum wouldn’t live as long as I had always thought, but I still never considered it would be at 74.
I miss her so so much x


  • yes some decidedly are too mean to live hundreds of years!
    I am watching someone talk about a near death experience on youtube. I know you arent into that stuff. It fascinates me.
    Did u see that our discussion group got closed down? So bummed.
    I need you all. I am certain that I would not have gotten this far without everyone.
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I read somewhere a while back the 85 years old is medically classed as very old age.
EllDubs - it only got closed down because we reached 500 posts. There must be some sort of max capacity per thread. We just need to start a new thread.

I saw that ell, but it said that it had exceeded its maximum of 500 replies?
That doesn’t make sense as there are threads which have several thousand messages.
I agree ell. I’ve had a particularly down day today. Looking at all photos of mum on my phone. She was absolutely radiant until 6 or 7 months before she died and then she started to look so aged and slowed down. She was so tired all the time.
How didnt I notice or worry about this at the time? I was so complacent.
I can’t imagine being without this site x

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Yes daffy I think old age officially begins at 75 although most countries still class this as middle old age.
I know my mum was biologically older than her years.i would love to know why. She has a sister aged 84, another sister aged 85 and a brother aged 87. They are all going strong.